Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Charedi Airlines Unveils Details About its New Service to Israel

For immediate release

Charedi Airlines Unveils Details About its New Service to Israel

Yerushalyim, ir haKodesh Dec. 12, 2006 – Charedi Airlines today unveiled initial details about the previously announced mehadrin airline, which has been designed to provide travelers with less comfort, entertainment and privacy on flights to Israel.

“Our charedi customers have told us what would make them more relaxed and comfortable, and we’re using their feedback to shape our new service,” said Chayim Mudka Rubenstein, Charedi's owner, manager, and big boss. “Our goal is to minimize space, amenities and services, so we can squeeze in as many Jews as we can, while also managing to charge as much as possible."

Among the airlines amenities are: [Note: List provided by "Y in T" and reprinted with permission]

* Milchig OR fleishing planes, so that there is no chashash of treife.

* All meals will be glatt kosher lemehadrin, chassidishe shechita only, (alternatively, cholov israel from virgin cows only, on the dairy planes), non-gebroks, pas yisroel, yashan, tevel and shemitta laws strictly observed. All water source will be equipped with filters to catch copepods.

* All seats on plane are to undergo shaatnez testing. Certificate available upon request.

* All fuel used will have ma'aser taken.

* Rows 11-45 will be assigned for men, rows 46-52 for women, to be separated by floor length curtain (a-line, not tight fitting, chas v'shalom).

* Business Class reserved for Askanim, Kannoim and Rabbanim. First Class for Gedolim. [Line supplied by XGH]

* The only movies allowed will be Shofar Organization's Amnon Yitzchak's Teshuva or Gehenom DVDs.

* Mezuzahs to be affixed to all doors and windows of airplanes. P

* Prior to meals, flight attendants will pass around Netilat Yadayim set to all passengers, to be quickly followed by a shiur k'zayit cube of bread, so there is no Hefsek between washing and saying bracha.

* Birchat Hamazon to be recited by the Captain and crew on PA system.

* Pilots to be tested on their knowledge of Shas (the text, not the political party) yearly, with a special emphasis in the proficiency of Hilkhot T'chum Shabbat. Compensation and benefits to commensurate with fluency in Gemarah.

* Laws of aerodynamics and heliocentricity are to be deleted from pilots' manual, as they are contrary to Torah values.

* Female passenger's skirts are to be be at least ankle-length so that nothing inappropriate shows when going up the gangway. No lycra permitted. Not even if folded in the suitcases. Female passengers must wear pantyhose of greater than 40 denier thickness. Girls under the age of 12 months are exempt from wearing tights, but must still cover their legs with knee-highs. No hair is to be showing at any time. Indian hair wigs unacceptable.

* Male passengers are advised (not compulsory) to wear gatkes (long johns). Frequent flyer miles to be awarded for those passengers complying with this suggestion. Further frequent flyer miles to be awarded to passengers wearing T'chelet fringe in their tsitsit.

* Pop-up Succahs to be intalled on outside of all planes. Anti-gravity S'chach to be distributed by flight crew, as needed.

* In-Air Duty Free Shop will now be selling an assortment of quality merchandise, such as red kabbalah strings, hamsas, kameot, leather-bound Tehillim and Artscroll's edition of Tsena U'Rena.

* Jewish Observer, Yated Ne'eman and/or Mishpachah are to be the only reading material allowed on plane.

* The official language of Chareidi Airlines, Ltd. will be Yiddish. Hebrew acceptable, but to be phased out in two years' time.

* Front and back of planes to be converted into flying chapels. Each plane will provide a minimum of 10 shtenders for those wishing to learn Torah. Daily D'var Torah and Hilchot Lashon Harah to be said by flight crew.

* 50% of plane lavatories will be converted into Mikveh Taharah, for the comfort of illustrious rebbes (and child molesters) flying with Chareidi Airlines, Ltd. The balance of plane lavatories to have Halakhic Bidet installed.

* Flight attendants to distribute Bedikah cloths to all married female passengers. Chareidi Airlines, Ltd.'s rabbis will determine niddah status and assign seats accordingly.

Charedi airlines looks forward to flying with you and to reaping the huge financial benefits of the upcoming and completely coincidental boycott of El Al.

Unrelated coincidence: Dag had the same thought

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