Monday, March 09, 2009

A Bloggish Shpiel

by the Bray of Fundie
Disclaimer: It has long been established that I have a tin-ear when it comes to humor. But as I see no fresh Bear meat yet today I figured that "b'mokom she-ain ish is herring oikh fish" and decided to try my hand. I won't mind if you laugh at me rather than with me... Just as long as you laugh.

Bray: (staggers in wedging himself sideways through the front door.)

Mrs. Bear: Welcome! Purim Sameyach. That nutty-professor fat-suit costume is SOOOOOOOO must have set you back a pretty penny!

DB: Err honey...that's no costume.

Bray: (admiring DBs getup) So you really ARE the man in the Golden Bear Suit! Here, I brought you Shalakh monos (hands DB two books tied in a ribbon)

DB: What's this?

Bray: Well shalakh manos need to be two minim and that's what I got for you; Canon and Creativity: Modern Writing and the Authority of Scripture by Robert Alter and God in Search of Man : A Philosophy of Judaism by A.J. Heschel!

DB: Delicious. Thanks.

Female Bearling: Daddy that fat man is wearing a black hat. Didn't you tell us that people like him mistreat children?

DB: You're safe shaifeleh... but hide your brothers...

Bray: Who's the Shaigatz sitting next to you?

DB: Don't tell me you don't recognize BOTH?!

Bray: I didn't recognize him in the Spodik and wooden shoes. I'd like to say some Purim Torah

DB: Why should today be any different?

Bray: (in mah nishtanah sing-song) How is this afternoon different from all the others?

DB: That's Peysakh you idiot!

Bray: I thought you said it was BOTH?! Anyhow (taking up the mah nishtanah sing-song again) because on all other afternoons there is havdala consciousness..

DB: (rudely interrupting) speak for yourself.

Bray:...but on this afternoon of Purim there is havdala obliviousness. עד דלא ידע בין ארור המן לברוך מרדכי the blessed and the cursed...the Jew and the anti-Semite they're all one and the same. Now why do you suppose that is?

Mrs. Bear: Because Purim isn't really a holiday?

Female Bearling: It's just a cover story for getting drunk!

Male Bearling: Because this way girls can dress as boys and vice versa?

DB: (Shouting at Male Bearling) GET BACK IN YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE!

BOTH: I'll email Reb Pinky the question and get back to you.

DB: Oh no you won't... this is a family blog. (turning to Bray) So nuu??? What's the Teretz?

Bray: I can't tell.

DB: Typical Chaim, all sizzle no steak. All empty braying assertion never a shred of evidence or proof.

Bray: speaking of empty what's with the serving platters ? What's for dinner? I think that you guys take Yom K'Purim a bit too literally around here.
first hosafah 1:20 EST

DB: (handing Bray a serving platter of pickled tongue) Here's a gastronomic stimulus package for you.

Bray: (grimacing) hold your tongue Beary. I didn't vote for BHO and the only organ meat I like is hacked liver.

DB: (rolling eyes) well glad to see that McCain had a lock on the moron vote.

Bray: I didn't vote for McCain. I wrote in Mayor Richard Daley the first. And besides, I'm an imbecile..not a moron.

DB: Today it's hard to tell the difference. The first Daley?!? How'd you vote for him...he's been dead for years?!

Bray: So what? When he was alive the dead voted for him, now that he's dead why can't the living vote for him?

DB: Stop flattering yourself.

QWERTY: It's really a halakhic shaila. While Bray still seems to have a heartbeat his brain flat-lined years ago.

Abe: Dead men voting? Finally the evidence of a miracle I've been waiting for. All hail Saint Richard and the Chicago Alder-Angels. Not to mention Bray...the dead fatso walking.

Bray: OK forget the food. This is a mishteh HaYayin. What've you got to drink?

Mrs. Bear: Do you prefer Jack, Johnnie Walker Blue or some fine single malt? Or..if you're a purist we've got a lovely Merlot..

DB: (rudely interrupting) Merlot? With tongue? C'mon sweetheart, you call that a good wine and food pairing? talk about a shidduch crisis!

Bray: That's OK. Kool-Aid is my beverage of choice.

2nd hosafah 2:55 EST

Yoetzet Halakha: I'd advise against inebriation. According to the R"emuh you can fulfill the ahd Da'loh yahdah requirement by napping .

Bray: And I'd advise you to limit your unsolicited advice to better wine-food pairings than Merlot and about Lashon HaRah!!!

Yoetzet Halakha: Why of all the insecure misogynist creeps...

Mrs. Bear: Why of all the boorish ungrateful guests!!!

Bella Abzug: Ladies... if you can't take the heat then get back into the kitchen

DB: See I was right. insecure she-men like Bray are worried about status. Save your fear-mongering whining for the next meeting of chauvinist losers of America.

Bray: You're not right you're left. Besides you are ahd d'lo yahdah bein Yoetzet Halakha l' Av Beit Din U'Moreh Tzedek without drinking even a drop.

Female Bearling: Mr. Bray how can you make fun of girls on Purim? Where would we have been without Esther? One strong Jewish woman did what hundreds of wimpy Jewish men could not.

DB (beaming): ג מִפִּי עוֹלְלִים, וְיֹנְקִים-- יִסַּדְתָּ-עֹז:לְמַעַן צוֹרְרֶיךָ; לְהַשְׁבִּית אוֹיֵב, וּמִתְנַקֵּם. =
3 "Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast Thou founded strength, because of Thine adversaries; that Thou mightest still the enemy and the avenger". Be still Braybee.

Bray: Well maybe if they didn't have proposition 8 in Xerxes' Empire it might've been Hadas instead of Haddasah...

DB: (turning to female bearling) quick...make sure the door on the boys room is locked and bolted.

CA: Esther was a true visionary she understood what even contemporary Ortho fanatics can't...that the salvation of the Jewish people depends on intermarriage, preferably with the upper crust of gentile society.

Yoetzet Halakha: Let the record show that I'd advise against that. Wouldn't do much for the cause of Taharat HaMishpakha.

BOTH: The Jews are G-d's chosen people and the state of Israel is the chosen banana republic of the chosen people. Why in the world would they want to intermarry with say, flying Dutchmen?

Bray: v'nahapoch hu...

(To be edited /discontinued...)

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