Some new Ani Maamins for these trying and spiritually deficient times

Got nothing, so how about a rehash?

Some new Ani Maamins for these trying and spiritually deficient times

Attention all Jews who are meticulously careful to repeat the 13 Ani Maamins each and every day. You are koferim. Heretics. Deficient in belief. Spiritual Pygmies.

Perhaps 13 fundamentals were enough for our ancestors, but we live in more challenging times. Therefore, following the excellent advice acquired here, I firmly suggest that you add the following affirmations to your daily devotions:

- I firmly believe the world in exactly 5767 years old. [*] [1]
- I firmly believe that the sun, moon and planets revolve around the earth. [1]
- I firmly believe that the Mediterranean Sea is the largest body of water (hence it's name "yam hagadol").
- I firmly believe that Eretz Yisroel is higher than all other lands, including Mount Everest [1]
- I firmly believe that there are six planets
- I firmly believe that there are 4 elements [1]
- I firmly believe that lice do not come from eggs [1]
- I firmly believe that the moon generates its own light, and does not merely reflect the sun.
- I firmly believe that there was a flood that covered the entire earth.
up. [1]
- I firmly believe that the moon landing was a fraud, because there is a bible verse which suggests space travel is impossible. [1]
- I firmly believe that no animal species will ever go extinct. [1]
- I firmly believe global warming is a hoax, not because I've studied the science, but because a bible verse suggests the climate won't ever change. [1]
- I firmly believe men are smarter then women, because there's a lone passage in the Talmud attributed to one Sage which seems to make this claim. [1]

Laughing? Stop. These are genuine Haredi beliefs.

[*] Any Rishon who suggested otherwise was a kofer.
[1] I know actual people who believe this.

Already a schism

Talk about your time wasting discussions, and pointless, possibly self-destructive, gestures:

The Religious Women's Forum Kolech decided at their conference last week to choose a Hebrew title for a woman ordained as a rabbi by an Orthodox institution, although no woman in Israel yet holds this position.

The title chosen by a majority of conference participants is "rabba."

In NY, the only ordained Orthodox woman is called "maharat." This strikes me as a perfectly good word. Why are the Israelis trying to fix something that isn't broken? Why are they naming something that's already been named? If they want this woman-rabbi thing to catch on, the thing to do is to go and ordain one. Calling a conference to choose a title, when a title already exists, is like something out of Orwell. It wastes time, deflects attention, saps momentum, and creates internal controversy, confusion and disagreement when what's needed is a unified front.

Less talk, more action Kolech members.

Are You Superstitious?

A Guest Post By E. Fink

Yesterday, the gadget blog Gizmodo ran a post that got the internets buzzing.

The original post headline read: "Orthodox Couple Imprisoned By Superstition Blame Motion Sensing Light Instead". Subsequently, the headline was changed to be a little more PC.

In a nutshell, a regular Frum couple (as per Haddassah Sabo Milner who knows them) has a vacation home in a building. They were promised motion sensing lights would not be installed. Motion sensing lights were installed. They asked if they could pay to have them switched and any difference in monthly cost to the building. The owner of the building did not cooperate. The Frum folks are now filing suit.

Gizmodo writer Jack Lofton says that they are imprisoned by their superstition.

I would say they are trying to follow halacha.

(This post will not investigate the merits of their halachic position. I am giving this a fuller treatment on my blog here.)

For now, I'd just like to know what you think. Is adhering to halacha superstitious?

Update by DovBear: James Dean comments on the halacha: The worst case Melacha scenario is a Davar Sheino Miskaven and a Psik Reisha Dlo Ichpas Lei and therefore since the light is turned on Derech Hilucha there is sufficient reason to be maikel using a Sfeik Sfeika approach on a D'Rabonon of Kilachei Yad instead of causing a Chillul Hashem which is more likely a D'Oraisa.This would be following the Halcha. What we have here is what is more and more the typical Chareidi ignorance of what the Halachah really is.

Sheesh, go learn some Rishonim for Hashem's sake.

Update by E.Fink: Because I want to give an opinion and not leave the post ending with a question: I think following Halacha is superstitious. But that is not a bad thing. It means we believe in something supernatural. Nothing wrong with that!

Update by E.Fink: By the way... The writer apologized.

Search for more information about halacha at 4torah.com.

Terrifying confluence of events alert

Lunatic RW bloggers are certain Obama has already announced and put into motion an evil anti Israel plan that involves the destruction of settlements and the internationalisation of Jerusalem. Their slightly more sane counterparts acknowledge this has not yet happened, but feel somewhat certain an evil anti-Israel Obama Plan will be announced "before the end of July."

This year Tisha B'av is July 30.

Now, the idea that every Jewish catastrophe occurred on Tisha Bav is a myth, as Josh Yuter successfully argued back in 2003. I don't think the day has any special power, and I also think the Obama Plan will be nothing but a retread of previous US peace plans. I doubt it will go beyond Bush Jr's Road Map, and I'm certain it won't include anything like the overt threats Bush Sr made in 1990. Still, I'm intrigued by the potential for a coincidence for the ages.

Play along with me, for a second. What if the terrified RW is correct? What if Obama actually does announce something evil and anti-Israel? And what if the announcement comes on Tisha B'av?

I'll mark it down as a coincidence, of course. But I suppose those who haven't read Yuter's article, and think Tisha B'av is the magic day for tragedy will be oddly reassured.

Moshe's Massacre &c.

Did you catch the massacre Moshe orders toward the end of Matos? A nasty bit of business, no? And the worst part about it, as aptly noted by many, is that it isn't God who tells Moshe to tell Israel to go and rape girl children and murder women and boy children. Per the text, the slaughter is Moshe's own idea:

15 And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?

16 Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD.

17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Reading this, all sorts of important questions about "torah morality" and the nature of Moshe's authority come to mind.

Additional puzzlements:
1) When the Israelites go out to war, Pinchas accompanies them. Rashi gives many reasons why he, and not his father Eliezer, Elazar went out with the troops. What Rashi does not explain is this: why isnt Joshua mentioned as the field commander here as in previous battles?

2) Just what exactly does Rashi think a kumaz is? I mean I know he says its some kind of pendant or clasp that went around the, ahem, female crotch area, but what kind of weird jewelry item is that?

OU and Conspiracy Theories

A guest post by JS:

Can someone verify whether the OU is really involved in this? I'd like to believe the answer is no, but that seems like a naive assumption nowadays.

Search for more information about the OU at 4torah.com.

Media Bias

Media bias is a tricky thing, but when it comes to reporting about Haredi rioters, things can get even stickier. To help Jew haters in the media stay out of trouble, I've prepared a few illustrative examples:

Biased sentence: Haredim protest in Jerusalem and cause massive property damage
Unbiased sentence: A handful of people who may have been Haredim but also could have been hilonim dressed as Haredim for the purpose of making God's favorite people look bad were marching peacefully in the street for very good Torah True reasons when by mistake some people accidently caused some damage to a few things that were already broken and ready to be thrown out.

Biased sentence: Haredim throw diapers at police.
Unbiased sentence: A fine Haredi mother of 10 children who would never dream of divorcing her masmid husband was attempting to heave a diaper into a trash can from a distance of 25 yards, when an evil, provocative, Jew-hating Jewish police man purposely got his head in the way.

Biased sentence: A crowd of angry Jews burned garbage in Tel Aviv.
Unbiased sentence: A handful of fine, wonderful Jews who learn Torah 24/7 and come from families where drugs and divorce are unknown, were a little angry for very good reasons and unintentionally responded to evil police provocations by accidentally by mistake being in the vicinity when some unknown parties set some garbage on fire.

Biased sentence: Jewish protesters threw rocks at cars to protect shabbos desecration
Unbiased sentence: A slightly disturbed young person demonstrated his wonderful and inspiring love for shabbos by unintentionally nudging a small pebble in the general direction of a car windshield which inexplicably broke.

What a world that must be

A guest post by TikunOlam

Ever since I read Haddasah Sabo Milner's post on Single Mothers by Choice, something has been really bugging me. What is bugging me even more, is that it didn't seem to bug anyone else. Haddasah commented, as many in the OJ community probably would, of women who are considering having a child on their own in their thirties and forties:

I also wondered, where is this woman’s emunah, faith, in G-d? Does she not trust that He will send her a husband when He decides it’s the right time? That if G-d decides she should have a child, then He will make it happen the right way?

I wonder how this way of thinking affects those who have not yet found their spouses. Do they believe that suffering through years of dating while watching as their friends get married and have children are being punished by Hashem? Are women who have miscarried or parents who have suffered the death of a child supposed to believe that they have been deemed unworthy by god of seeing this child grow up. Are infertile women really supposed to have emunah that this was Hashem's will?

It seems to me, that living within such a paradigm would be so painful, so invalidating. To have one's emunah questioned because a woman or a man is suffering with frustration or even depression because his/her dreams of having a life partner or becoming a parent have not come to fruition. To have to believe that one should be ashamed that they are suffering from lack of emunah because they are longing for something that they don't have. To then feel embarrassed to express these feeling to others for fear of being viewed as having weak emunah. And then to be told, "you have to have emunah!"

All I can say is, what a world that must be for those who are not fortunate enough to have met their life partner in their twenties. And what a world that must be for couples trying to have children who cannot. And what a world that must be for those who have suffered miscarriage or the death of a child.

Search for more information about having emunah at 4torah.com.

A Sad Commentary On Judaism Today

A Guest Post By E. Fink

Yesterday I was driving down a Monsey road with my wife. We saw a woman walking on the street who was very modeslty dressed. As we got closer we saw she was clearly wearing a burqa or something like a burqa. Her entire face and head was covered save for her eyes.

At the same moment we said to each other "you think she is a Frum Jew?".

Now that is a sad commentary on Judaism today...

UPDATE:

I didn't think I had to spell it out for you...

In case you were wondering, she was a Muslim. This is a commentary on how some Jewish women have begun to dress in "Burqaesque" garb. I never thought that I would see a woman in a Burqa and consider whether she was a Frum Jewish woman with Hijab tendencies...

That is all.

Search for more information about tznius at 4torah.com.

Another Flawed Sales Pitch

A Guest Post By E. Fink

Recently, DovBear (the blog) has seen quite a few posts on the same theme. We had misleading Kashrus, misleading Charity and misleading Sukkah adverts. This post follows the same theme.

Yesterday I read an important column on Vosizneais.com.

The column was a great perpective on Baal Teshuvas and their integration into the Frum community. In particular the column focused on various reactions of the BT (I use the term adoringly) when encountered with other (supposedly) Frum Jews who are not living up to their own standards.

Some BTs "can't handle the truth" and wind up right where they started - wonderful secular people. Other BTs are more adept at maintaining their Frum lifestyle despite the disappointment. The article enumerates some of the great things that BTs have contributed to the Frum lifestyle. Like manners, healthy eating, special education, etc.

While there is room for debate on whether the Frum community can attribute these "innovations" to BTs I am happy to give them the credit.

The article concludes by thanking the Frum community for showing them a way of life they love and appreciate.

I have two main points that I want to make in relation to this article.

1- The fake sales pitch the Frum From Birth Kiruv Rabbis spew.

2- The BTs reaction to the reality check.

I cannot stand the sales pitch that Frum people have no problems and Torah life is free from all social ills. It is simply not accurate. Please don't use it!

In fact, the Torah is a guidebook for flawed people. If people were able to just become perfect then the Torah would give us one time instructions to "fix" our flaws and then we would be good to go! But instead, the Torah gives us instructions to develop our character through Mitzva observance with specific tasks. Some tasks only come around once in a lifetime, or once every 50 years, or once every seven years, or once a year, or once a month, once a week, once a day, and even every second. The clear message is that we need constant work because humans will eventually fall.

The Talmud explicitly states: "Do not believe in yourself (righteousness) until the day you die". The human being is designed to fail without constant work and guidance.

I believe the honest sales pitch (and yes it is a sales pitch and that's okay) is: Humans are flawed, we all need guidance, the Torah provides guidance. Some of it is obvious, some of it is hidden, but we believe that the Torah lifestyle is a guide for life. If you want a guide, you can buy in. We are all trying to use the guide as best as we can and we feel our lives are more enriched by using the guide. Maybe you will too.

Perhaps more important is the reaction of the BT. I sent this email to Judd Magilnick, a Pacific Jewish Center board member and he offered some great insight.

First, many "not yet" BTs back off from greater commitment by rationalizing that they saw a Frum person who lacked derech eretz (common courtesy). Judd says this is the Yetzer Hara talking but Frum folks need to realize that they are being judged and should act accordingly.

I once heard that R' Moshe Feinstein asked why we ask in Ahava Rabba that Hashem give us the ability to understand, listen to and teach Torah. Should the teaching part be reserved for teachers and rabbis? Why does everyone say it? And R' Moshe answers that we are all teachers. We are teaching others about how the Torah wants us to behave every time we act.

Judd's next point was even better. Why should an impious Frum person affect one's opinion of Torah? The analogy is if one sticks his wet finger in a socket he is going to get a shock. That doesn't indicate a flaw in elecricity! And like electricity Torah has the power to do great good and it also has the power to cause ill. It depends on its user.

So (potential) BTs, if you can use Torah for good why would you let it bother you that someone else is abusing it? One has nothing to do with the other!

As a Rabbi in shul of mostly BTs and potential BTs I hear this kind of rhetoric often. "If he's a Frum person he shouldn't do X or Y etc". It is disheartening but I have one response.

I always quote Rabbi Wein: "Don't judge Judaism by its Jews".

Additionally, I don't pitch anything other that learning more Torah and experiencing a Shabbos meal. One should make their personal decisions based on an informed view that can only come from one's own study. The Shabbos meal is just to make it a little more personal and less abstract. That's all.

So, I am looking for insight, do people really judge Torah by its Jews?

Is there an "accurate" (non-cynical) sales pitch?

Anything else in the original column that struck you?

Search for more information about Baalei Teshuva at4torah.com.

Not Again, Please

A guest post by JS:

You have got to be kidding me. Chareidim are rioting in Jerusalem because a mother who starved her child has been arrested. Someone please tell me there's more to the story than what's being reported here.

Search for more information about Chareidim at 4torah.com.

Obama's first pitch

Was it a ball? Was it a strike? Thanks to a clumsy camera angel, it was impossible for the home view to know if President Barak Obama's ceremonial first pitch at the All Star game even reached the plate. Does it matter? Not to me, but those shining intellectuals on the right who've grown tired of the passing around the out-of-context photo of Obama not really leering at someone's rear end, have moved on to claiming that Obama's sinister henchmen interfered with the shot to protect the president's reputation. I mean lord only knows what those baseball loving leaders in Iran or North Korea might try if word gets out that the president throws like a girl.

Meanwhile, FOX staffers not roughed up by presidential goons took matters into their own hands, and presented an alternate reality version of the pitch. As Jon Stewart pointed out last night, Fox's opinion of you, the viewer, is so low, their staff will lie directly to your face about what appears on the screen.

Search for more information about Fox Scoundrels at 4torah.com.

100 DovBear Dollars to the great Miriam Shaviv

One of my original blogging heros was the great Miriam Shaviv who currently blogs for some English newspaper. She confirmed my high opinion of her this morning with a follow-up post about the magical flying sukka.

I phoned the gentleman who owns the company, one Mr Bard, to find out why exactly anyone would want this.

He explained to me that the Gemara says that when Moshiach comes, all shuls will go to Israel. The Kedushas Levi adds that so will all Jewish houses which were filled with Torah. Sukkahs going to Israel as well, however, are Mr Bard's own addition - "if houses that are filled with Torah go, a Sukkah, which is a piece of a mitzvah, must go too."

There's no actual need for a sukkah to be transported to Israel in messianic times

Not only that, but according to Mr. Bard's halachic novella, every sukka will fly to Israel on Air Moshiach, including those purchased from his competitor. This is rather shrewd. Instead of promising some benefit or feature unique to his own product, this Jewish businessman is making a sales case out of something that he believes is true for any sukka.

Search for more information about Sukkot at 4torah.com.

Torah True Marketing Ploy of the Week

100 DovBear dollars to the first reader to supply me with a scan of said "guarantee."

I don't even understand the premise of this absurd offer. Why do I need a guarantee that my sukka will fly to Israel with me (presumably on the wings of one ginourmous eagle)? Can't festival huts be purchased in the Holy Land? And why are we so certain Air Moshiach accepts sukkas as carry-on luggage?

The utter brazenness of this claim brings to mind the famous zinger uttered by the Ramban at Barcelona "He who wises to lie brings witnesses from far away" (or something like that.) What he meant was that a bold, impossible-to-verify claim is the mark of a charlatan (Its zingier in Hebrew, and zingier still, I imagine, in the original medieval Spanish).

Instead of promising their product will outlast wind or rain or provide a "lifetime of happiness" this sukka company has cleverly made a promise it can't even be accused of breaking.

HT: Voldermort's wife

Search for more information about sukkot at 4torah.com.

Chukas HaGoyim?

Browsing around the internets, I came across this interesting recollection in an article by Timothy Noah about how people react to summer camp:

"Some people really, really enjoy camp. I wish I could tell you that these people grow up to be really, really normal, but they don't. You know who I'm talking about. These are the ones who wept uncontrollably when the paper-mache numbers spelling out 1967 were set ablaze on a little raft that a camp counselor, under cover of darkness, towed stealthily to the middle of Lake Weecheewachee on the evening of the last group sing."

Group sing? Every Jewish camp -even the uber-Haredim- does something just like that after Eicha is read. To be honest, I never understood the point -- why burn the year? -- and the discovery that this ritual was copied from the WASP camps doesn't shed any light on it.

PS. At my camp, the numbers (letters actually: This was the hebrew year) were gasoline soaked tampons-- not paper mache.


Search for more information about camp at 4torah.com.

Prayer

A guest post by JS:

Back on DB's post about prayer, Double Harvard indicated he didn't pray because he found the entire process tedious and boring. A valid complaint and one the rabbis were clearly concerned about as is evidenced by their warning not to make one's prayer routine ("keva").

I'd like to know what single prayer do you find most inspiring, uplifting, moving, emotional, etc?

What single prayer do you find the most tedious, boring, monotonous, and dry?

In each case, what makes you feel this way? Is it the words of the prayer, a song or melody attached to it, a special significance it has taken on in your life, or maybe something else?

Search for more information about prayer at 4torah.com.

Single mother by choice

Another Guest Post by Hadassah Sabo Milner

Over Shavuot we had an interesting discussion around the table at a friend’s house. I have heard of some single women in large religious communities who are still unmarried in their mid to late thirties and feeling the tick tick tick of their biological clock, and have spoken to their rabbis about the ethics of having a baby through sperm donation.

I totally get these women – they desperately want a child, and Mister Right has not shown up, (or he has been and gone without them realizing it) and their child bearing years are coming to a close. What to do? In the secular world, many women would not think much more than twice about going to a sperm bank, or even (following a coronation street story line – I watch ‘em all) have a male friend help them out donation wise. Single mothers by choice are not the anomaly they once were. Plus these days we are so part of the NOW generation. I want a baby, I want it now, there is no man on the horizon, nor is there likely to be, I am out of patience, let’s go get me a baby.

(Let me just say that it is another thing if one finds oneself in a situation where one is pregnant and the father walks away from the responsibility. To me this is a totally different kettle of fish)

But this is the religious world I am talking about. There must be so many halachic issues here. So, the baby will have a Jewish mother, that makes it Jewish. It won’t be a “mamzer” because that only applies to the child of a married woman who becomes pregnant by a man other than her husband. The woman isn’t sinning because she is not having premarital sex. Does she have to ensure that the anonymous donor is NOT Jewish? Because if the donor were to be Jewish, then maybe one day the child may meet a sibling, not know it was a sibling, and fall in love.

Then, what would she tell the child? How would the child be treated in its religious school? The “acceptable” Jewish family is mom, dad and kids. Other children can be so mean. Would she be setting up her child for a lifetime of aggravation from his/her community. Would the child be accepted? What about the child’s emotional needs? doesn’t every child have the right to two parents, at least to start off life properly?

I also wondered, where is this woman’s emunah, faith, in G-d? Does she not trust that He will send her a husband when He decides it’s the right time? That if G-d decides she should have a child, then He will make it happen in the right way?

I have so many concerns about this, and am so curious as to what others think about it. Those of you who live in Israel (or other places with a high concentration of Jews) – have you heard of cases like these? What have been the reactions of the community and rabbis?

Please let me know your thoughts – I am sure this is a complicated topic.