Let's say the five front-runners were members of my shul. Which roles would they play?
Clinton would be the Rabbi. Not because she's godly, learned or trustworthy but because she is wonkish, deeply experienced and capable of standing on a stage with gravitas while making platitudes sound fresh.
Marco is the shul president, of course, but bare in mind that a shul president is usually a fresh faced little eager beaver who is fully controlled by the back room oligarchs who actually run things.
Cruz can be the Gabbai, which I realize is deeply unfair to all the excellent gabbais in the world. But a subset of the profession are venal, little Uriah Heeps who weasel their way into everything, leaving behind a thin trace of grease on everything they touch. With deep apologies to the good gabbaim, that's the sort of Gabbai Cruz would be.
Trump leads the kiddush club. He loves to talk, has racist and misogynistic bluster to spare and no respect for anyone. Also, he can be counted on to deliver a good bottle every week.
Bernie is the crank in the back of the shul. Now, back room cranks are my favorite. I love how they toss spitballs at the Rabbi and always have something new to complain about. (when the complaints and spitballs aren't gratuitous trolling, I mean) So maybe that explains my growing affection for Bernie.
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