Tuesday, August 07, 2007

An important Kol Koreh that will change your life

It has come to my attention that there are some Jews who are not aware of the proper and authentic [1] way to sing Lecha Dodi in shul on Friday night. These Jews may imagine themselves to be Torah True, but until they correct this deviltry and rid themselves of error they are theologically the same as those who (r'lz) wear colored shirts, or daven in a Young Israel. Therefore, as a service to the DovBear Olam, I provide the following primer:

Congregation and chazan sing the refrain and each of the stanzas in unison.

Congregation and chazan hum[*] the tune together, stopping as suggested by the tune. During this pause, congregation and chazan say and/or mumble the words of the stanza. When the din dies down, the tune continues. This is repeated for each stanza.

In the name of every shteible, Aguda, basement minyan, and minyan factory in the world [3], I urge and instruct you to embrace this Torah True tradition in imitation of your more authentic brothers. In the merit of your capitulation may we all find something new and equally picayune to criticize each other about, quickly and speedily in our days, and let us say Amen.


[1]I don't mean to hit you over the head with a shovel, but I worry some of the slower members of the audience have missed the irony. Lacha dodi was written, like, last week, and according to the story, it was originally said out in the fields, accompanied by dance and mystics wearing white. In other words, the likelihood that Lecha Dodi was originally sung in the manner prescribed by this bogus kol koreh is precisely zero.

[2] By "hum: I mean you should "tum tum tum" or "oydidee boy" or "bum de de bum" as warranted by the tune chosed by the chazan. God forbid you should actually hum in shul.

[3] Not a joke by the way. This is how all Torah True congregations do Lacha Dodi. The fact that people can get a lot of talking done during the humming is, I am sure, just an incidental benefit.

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