Thursday, March 27, 2008

The GOPJew's Megillah (yeah, I'm late)

The following is an unauthorized adaption of The Politically Correct Megilla by Eric Sommer, which, if you haven't seen it, was tasteless and unfunny. My rebuttal is much worse, I am sure, but at least the politics represented here are somewhat more appealing.

Chapter I

And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh, King of Persia, that the King threw a great party. And it was during that party, that the King became intoxicated and after telling the assembled guests about the greatness of America he called for his wife Vashti. Dutifully, she came to his side, with a tray of cookies in her hand, but they were not exactly the kind the king's ancestors had always served so he ordered her killed. "If word gets out that my wife was less than perfectly responsive to my needs, in fulfilment of her divinely ordained purpose, all the other kings will laugh at me and my daughter might not find a shidduch," he reasoned. The next morning, Achashverosh was quite surprised to discover that most Persians still considered him "soft-on-wife-disobedience" so he swiftly authorized the execution of a mentally-deficient teenager. Problem solved.

Chapter II

It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to find a new wife. He consulted the lobbyists and old school chums who made up his inner circle of advisers and they were unanimous in their advice: "Find yourself a sweet, twenty-something who'll keep her mouth shut and wear the feather costume when you want it," they said. Now it just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly, had been raised in a Jewish home, and so was completely comfortable with the idea that men were in all ways her superior. She was brought to the harem, and following a year of instruction on the finer points of serving and pleasing she was brought to the king, and crowned Queen of Persia.

Following these events, Esther's Uncle Mordecai discovered a plot to assassinate the king. He told Esther, who told the King, who ordered the arrest and execution of Bigson and Theresh, the two people involved in the plot. For good measure, the king additionally authorized the expulsion from Shushan of all persons bearing a passing resemblance to either Bigson or Theresh, along with anyone with a name (first or last) starting with the letter B or T. "Its all for national security," he explained.

Chapter III

After those events King Achashverosh attempt to promote an under-qualified hack who had loyally licked the king's rear end for many years, but after his base protested, the king elevated a man called Haman instead. "I looked the man in the eye. I was able to get a sense of his soul," said the king. "I'm sure he can be trusted."

Haman's elevation was celebrated and praised on the pages of PaganGodCurrents, the leading blog of Shushan. Mordecai did not agree and when his dislike for Haman became known, the editors of PaganGodCurrents and other leading pro-Haman Jews subjected Mordecai to withering abuse. "How dare you," said they. "The evangelical idol-worshipers are our very best friends; moreover, Haman hates homosexuals and heaps upon them fiery contempt. Surely, this is a man Jews should support!" Nonetheless, Mordecai was unswayed: He did not kneel and he did not bow.

Haman's animosity toward gays was soon revealed to be only the tip of the proverbial iceberg: He was also a degenrate anti-Semite. Once Haman managed to eliminate civil protections for homosexuals he went after the kingdom's other vulnerabe minority and asked for permission to kill the Jews, which he got. Haman sent out a proclamation to all the lands in the kingdom outlining his plan. Distressed, the Jews pointed out the genocide was expressly banned by the Constituion of Persia. Haman's lawyer, a man named John Yoo, convinced the court that what the Constitution really meant was that the King could pretty much do whatever he darn well pleased, especially in light of the ongoing people-who-look-like-Bigsan-and Theresh menace. The men and women of Shusan was outraged at this flagrant distortion of the Constitution's intent, until, providentially, Fox News reported a missing white woman had been eaten by a shark. The other cable stations picked up the story, played it 24/7, and the city of Shushan was distracted.

Chapter IV

And Mordecai knew of all that had happened, and he went shopping for shoes as a sign of his distress. And Esther sent a messenger to Mordecai to console him, but he would not be consoled. Mordecai sent word to Esther that she should go the King and ask him to stop the impending murder of all Jews. Esther replied that, genocide was the UN's problem and anyway FEMA was staffed by reliable professionals who could be counted on to manage the crises with skill and intelligence. Mordecai persuaded her as to the urgency of the matter, and she finally agreed. Mordecai suggested calling all the Jews to synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought that it would be better if she took a quick airplane trip over the Jewish neighborhoods while wearing a pout on her face. And it was so.

Chapter V
And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on the feather costume and went to see the King. The King spoke to Esther in a manner that was at once patronizing and condescending, offering to give her an increase in her allowance - up to half the kingdom! - if she'd just leave him alone, but she brushed it off, and insisted that the King and Haman attend a party she was hosting the next day. The King said he would go, but only if Esther served "guy food" and promised to keep the yapping to a minimum. Esther agreed, and the King and Haman shuffled into her party. When the King saw that Esther was serving steak, and that nothing green was on the menu, his heart filled with love, and he offered to buy Esther "something pretty." She replied that she'd much prefer that the King and Haman join her the following day at a second party. After she assured the king that all the food would be well-done to the point of being almost burnt, he agreed. Upon leaving the party, Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai,
which ruined his night. Haman's wife advised Haman to invite Mordecai on a hunting trip and shoot him in the face. Haman thought that was a swell idea, and he arranged the trip.

Chapter VI

That night, the King had trouble sleeping. He called for his servants to bring him the royal archives instead, and there he read that Mordecai had uncovered the politically beneficial Bigthan and Theresh plot. "We should send Mordecai to a foreign country and have him tortured," said the King, "Its possible he and the plotters were in cahoots."

Just then, Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom he wished to honor. Haman suggested a romantic walk among the flowers at the fake ranch in Crawford, and the King approved, with the following slight variation: "Take Mordecai," he said, "and bring him to the fake ranch and put in his hands an ax, or perhaps a machete, and while he is clearing the brush, call in a loud voice 'this is how we persuade red-state yokels that the king is an ordinary guy!'" And so it was. When he was done, Haman walked home, despondent. But no sooner had he returned home than the King's messengers arrived to bring him to Esther's second party.

Chapter VII

And the King and Haman came to drink with Esther. And it was during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews. "Who is that man?" yelled the King. To which Esther replied "Haman!" To which the king replied "Oh... IOKIYAR." The King stormed out in a fit of rage that someone had dared to suggest that one of his loyal advisers was less that perfect. Meanwhile Haman fell on Esther's couch and attempted to beseech her in a manner that appeared as if he was, in fact, molesting her. When the King returned, and saw Haman on top of the Queen he raised his voice in self-righteous indignation and said. "But... but... but Clinton!"

After an awkward silence, Haman agreed to resign, but a few weeks later, after the king and the people had become preoccupied with yet another missing white woman who had been eaten by a shark, Haman announced that his original guilty plea represented a "manifest injustice" and canceled his resignation.

Chapter VIII

That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King that Mordechai was her uncle. And Mordechai asked the King's permission for the Jews to rise up and kill their enemies and the king said, "Sure, why not, but I suggest you do it under the pretense of WMDs. Then, hold a press conference bragging about how you brought them freedom." And it was so.

Chapter IX

And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews were supposed to have been exterminated, the Gedolim issued scores of pashkevils announcing that smiling was illegal, fun was the devil's work, and that pretty much everything bad could be blamed on women and their hemlines. The pashklevils further announced the creation of a new holiday, called Purim, while simultaneously insisting that changing the mesorah was impossible and that anything Jews wore, ate, said or did could be expressly traced to Sinai.

Chapter X

And King Achashverosh shifted the tax burden to the middle class, and granted the wealthy additional subsidies, deductions and incentives in homage to the crackpot idea that lowering taxes increases revenues. When the math caught up with him, he borrowed money from the Chinese, and no-one noticed. And the great deeds of Esther and her uncle Mordechai were duly recorded in the annals of Persia.

No comments: