Thursday, September 12, 2013

Tell us about your Kol Nidrei

Welcome to a new edition of the famous DovBear holiday tradition...

I think I started collecting Kol Nidrei experiences in 2007. Over the years many of you have added your own. My original two posts are first, and the next batch are from your comments. Please feel free to add your own. (Note: Any that way have been added last year are now lost, thanks to our comment-murdering friends at JS/Kit Echo.)

The Big Shul Where I Grew Up and the Yeshivish Minyan I Attend Now (DovBear)

Attendance: 90 percent of the shul is in their seats by the time the pregame starts. 20-50 percent are wearing white kippot (in the childhood shul the number was higher.) Most of the women are wearing something white, too.

Pre-game: Every Torah is taken out of the Aron, and the pillars of the community are honored with the privilege of carrying them. (This is one honor that isn't auctioned to the highest bidder.) The rabbi leads the procession to the shulchan, reciting Ohr Zeruah l'tzadik every few steps. We answer him. When the men reach the shulchan they crowd around the chazan who has been waiting there, pushing in as tightly as possible. All of this began within 30 seconds of the announced start time.

The show: Takes about 10 minutes. The chazan always uses the same tune, the traditional tune that can be heard on any number of cantorial tapes. His voices gets louder each of the three times he recites it. We hum along, and answer thunderously when the time comes to scream: solachti kidvorecha. After the chazan intones the shehechayanu the Torahs are silently returned to their place.

Post game: The children exit, and the Rabbi delivers words of encouragement or rebuke, and in some years, an appeal is also conducted for some worthy charity. (not the bedek habayis fund). Marriv begins afterwards, led by the chazan, who also selects the tunes for the slichos which are sung responsively.

The Hasidic Sfard Shteeble I Used to Attend... (DovBear)

Attendance: About 15 percent of the shul is present at the announced start time which is for Tfillas Zaka, not Kol Nidrei. Aside from their kittels, very few of the men are wearing white, and many have substituted a standard black gartel for the kittel's white belt. A number of the women wear white and many have identical white kerchiefs over their wigs; some wear what look like white aprons.

Pre-game: The congregation gradually enters, and slowly the men take their seats and hunch over Tfillas Zakka, a long semi-silent prayer said in an audible whisper. In a few minutes the drone of conversation is replaced with the hum of prayer. At some point (usually within 5 minutes of the announced start time for Kol Nidrei) a gabbai slaps his hand on a table and the rebbe groans or whines or wails out a kabbalistic prayer called Kum Rebbe [name I forget. Eliezer?]. Those who know it whisper the words together with the rebbe.

The show: The Torahs are taken from the aron, and the men carrying them, also community pillars, gather around the shulchan. After they arrive, the rebbe goes to the amud (about 15 feet from the Torahs) and bleats out Kol Nidrei using a tune that is strange yet powerful in its own right, but only vagualy similar to the traditional tune. The crowd bellows the response lines, and at the end the rebbe's shehechyanu is extended into a wail that soulds like the shofar.

Post-game: When the Torahs are back in their place, Maariv begins immediately, led by the rebbe

Parallel experience of a mother who hasn't made it to Kol Nidre in many many years... (Tesyaa)

6:40 - Light candles with teenage daughters, then watch as husband in kittel and daughters in white shirts covered with sweatshirts make a quick exit. (Shul is apparently over-airconditioned).

6:45 - Scan kitchen and dining room. Thankfully spouse and older children have done an admirable job of clearing table and washing dishes before candlelighting.

7:45 - Breathe sigh of relief that developmentally delayed youngest child loves his bed and is a good sleeper. Put him to bed. (Hopefully no unwelcome surprises here).

8:00-9:00 - Entertain two rambunctious young boys. Remind them that they are not hungry. Remind them that they are fasting at least until breakfast (or later depending on age). Remind them about 40 times not to brush their teeth.

9:00 - Attempt to put boys to bed. Cajole them to be good because "Mommy's fasting". (Hey, whatever works).

9:15 - Dressed in a robe (not a white one), pick up machzor. Read text of kol nidre silently. Daven maariv. Read piyutim of interest silently. Scan text of 13 middos and wish I was davening in shul. Say some tehilim.

9:30 or so - click of front door as spouse & daughters return home. Brief exchange about how the davening went.

That's it. It's been the same for several years. Predictibility is good (I guess).

The Big Shul in Williamsburg... (Yeedle)

I daven in a big shul in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY. Since most people are married and wear kittels (white, of course) and thick wool talisim, the cooling system is turned up so the reg. temp. is a cold 55 degree. Coming with a sweater (or a [white] shawl, for the ladies) is advised.
Another tid-bit: Most women, in honor of the special occasion, don't wear any wig or all. Just a white turban or tichel. And even the few who dare come with their wigs on, make sure it's well covered, with the maximum of two inches showing in the front. (last year, two self-appointed ladies made sure that no one is "showing" too much of her wig.)

The program starts with everyone running to get a dip in the mikvah one more time, and almost everyone reminds themselves to do so a mere 5 minutes before the shkiah. Then, the shul starts getting fuller and fuller, everyone settles down with their machzorim and the rabbi gives a mussar sermon. Most people utilize the time to say tefilas zakai. Some even manage to say "kum rabun shimon" as well. 

When the rabbi finishes the 30 minute sermon, which nobody listened to, the rabbi takes out ONE sefer torah (the rest remain in the ark) and circles the shul (making one hakafa). During the hakafa everyone, but I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE, pushes himself to kiss this sefer torah the rabbi is holding. Every single year kids get "injured", machzorim get lost/pages ripped etc. While making the hakafah, which takes like 10 - 15 minutes, the rabbi stops at random intervals and cries "Ohr zarua latzadik, ulyishrei lev simch".

Then the rabbi returns the sefer torah to the aron, and says a short tefillah. Another 5 minutes pass, and the rabbi, who serves as baal tefillah, starts chanting (the traditional nussach I think) Kol Nidrei and everyone quietly chants along with him. Kol nidrei is repeated 3 times, each time the volume goes up.

From there, the davenen continues as it says in machzor :)

The Israeli experience...(Micheal)

Pre game - walk to shul in Kittel and Talit, but try not to get bowled over by kids (and adults) who are getting an early start on their bikes (depending on where you live, the streets will be full of bikes and noise for the entire 25 hours of Yom Kippur - even 3 am you can hear bicycle bells and shreiks from kids enjoying the car-free environment)

I don't remember ever seeing "Tfilla Zaka" on the menu, but many people try to arrive early for shul to say it before kickoff. Every year I try to get there on time for Tfillat Zaka, every your I fail (maybe I'll be more successful tonight)

Shul itself is more likely to be school hallway or kindergarten. Very few Cathedral-like shuls in Israel that can accommodate big crowds (biggest shul here in Modi'in seats about 300, but most shuls are much smaller than that - my shul can squeeze in about 250 plastic chairs)

Don't remeber ever seeing more than 2 Sifrei Torah taken out for Kol Nidrei, but many minyanim (particularly those in a Gan or school) will only have one or 2 sfarim, so by default all sfarim are removed for Kol Nidrei.

In the shul I daven, most men are wearing a white Kipa Sruga, but that is the case on a regular Shabbat as well

No Yom Kippur Appeal, but if we're lucky we'll get a drasha of some sort.

Reform Shul....  (Susan)

Eat a big dinner because I know it's my last meal for over 24 hours. Debate with myself about how much water to drink. I don't want to be too thirsty tomorrow, but I don't want to have to get up to use the restroom during serives either.

Arrive about an hour before services start. Put some canned food in the barrels outside for the annual food drive. Chat with the spouses of the choir members, who also arrive early.

Stand on the front steps and greet people as they arrive. The senior rabbi (a woman) and Cantor (a man), as well as the choir, are wearing white robes. The two other rabbis, who are married to each other, are both wearing a kittel. Some of those who regularly come to shul, such as myself, are wearing white and no leather. The number of people wearing white is increasing slowly over the years. Most others are in regular business suits and dresses, with leather shoes and belts. Almost nobody has a head covering of any kind, however many men pick up a white kippah provided inside.

Services start within 10 minutes of the scheduled start time (which is late for us, since services usually start within a few minutes of the scheduled time). Cello plays Kol Nidre, then Cantor sings it. Is it done a third time? I can't remember.

People continue to drift in as the service continues. Eventually, the entire 2,000-seat auditorium is full. The senior rabbi delivers a sermon to a rapt crowd. She's an excellent and passionate speaker. After the sermon, upward of 100 people get up and leave as the services continue.

Services are over less than two hours after they started.

Stand at the door saying goodnight to people as they leave.

Spanish And Portuguese Version (Fear From Love)

* Majority of Shul is full ten minutes before advertised start time, everyone wears a tallit, white stripes, black stripes, blue stripes..... two guys wore kittels, one of them wasnt sefardi

Shema Koli ten minutes after fast starts. No Tefillat Zakah, No Kum Rabbi Shimon, no Kol Nidrei, yet....

* Kol Nidrei starts ten minutes later after another Piyyut. The Sifrei Torah are held by The Rav, The President and the Two Chattanim. A different person says Kol Nidrei each time, sefardic tune.

*No appeal but a sermon before Arvit

* Arvit begins, and every word is sung until the end of tefillah, either the whole congregation joins in and says the whole paragraph together with the shaliach tzibbur or there is a system of the shaliach tzibbur saying the beginning of a sentence and the congragation saying the last two words.

*finish 3 hours after we start, beautiful.

The Reconstructionist Shul... (Tziporah)

Attendance: Yes, most everyone is seated by the time we start; the people still walking around chatting are either service big-wigs, showing off that they're part of running this thing, or people who come only once/year and have a lot of people to say "hi" to that they haven't seen in a while. Moms are trying to round up the kids and get them settled into the childcare before it gets quiet, stopped repeatedly by the old people who want to talk about "how big" everyone is getting.

Pre-game: I think one of the rabbis or somebody usally says something or does a reading or whatever to make everyone shut up. Then both Torahs are taken out, and the rabbis carry them around the shul in different directions, singing "Ohr Zeruah" along with the congregation, trailed by Board members, etc. It takes FOR-fricking-EVER. Everyone wants to touch the Torahs and the rows are too long for everyone to reach it, so some scuffling ensues. (Very genteel scuffling, of course).

The show: For the last several years, the first rendition of Kol Nidrei has been done with a cello and some other instrument. Several of us are horrified by this; some refuse to attend b/c of it; others find it nice and "contemplative." Phhbt. With a Bad Cohen on the ritual committee, they're lucky it's not worse. Anyway, then it's usually the rabbi and one of our lay leaders with a great voice, and the third time is a chorus that always includes the old ladies with the horribly wobbly voices that make you wince. Thank G-d it's over.

Post-game: Torahs get put away, then there's a neverending procession of readings, speeches, prayers, whatever, all the way through to the Amidah/kaddish, and finally the feature event of the evening: the rabbi's sermon. This is what most of us are looking forward to, since it's the junior rabbi who actually has a formaleducation and can link HH Days themes to something relevant and make it interesing.

After the sermon, there's a vast rustle and buzz as people try to exit before the President/Vice President get up and beg for money and more volunteers. It's not pretty.

The Yeckish Shul... (Mar Gavriel)

"Talles" is scheduled for some time around sunset, or slightly afterward. People start to shuffle in at least 10-15 minutes earlier, but there are always people running in at the last moment. All married men (after Shono Rishôno) wear kittels (as they do on RH, as well). We use the terms "kittel" and "sargenes" interchangeably. Virtually all the women wear white.

"Talles" is when the one rabbi, the other rabbi, and finally the chazzen for KN/ma'ariv sing the berocho over the talles, with great pomp and circumstance, before donning it. After the chazzen is done, each man (married or not) dons his talles. All who are wearing kittels wear all-white talleisim, whereas bachelors and men in Shono Rishôno wear their ordinary black-striped talleisim

At this point, the chazzen puts his talles over his head and entire body, and hunches over the shtender, to silently whisper a personal prayer -- I assume הנני העני ממעש, or one of the other ones printed in the book. When he is done, he removes the talles from his head, and the rabbi, who is standing next to him, proclaims: "בישיבה של מעלה ובישיבה של מטה, על דעת המקום ועל דעת הקהל, אנו מתירין להתפלל עם העבריינים."

Then, the chazzen, in a quiet voice, begins "Kol Nidrei", in the old tune. The congregation hums along for some parts. This is then repeated in a louder voice, and finally in an even louder voice.

When this is done, we say the line
ונסלח לעל עדת בני ישראל ולגר הגר בתוכם כי לכל העם בשגגה
a single time, and then Shehecheyonu. The congregation responds a rousing "Omein!" to the chazzen's Shehecheyonu, and then the chazzen sits down.

The rabbi then gives his YK sermon, the only time that he speaks over the whole 25 hours. Usually, this lasts until nightfall, at which point we begin Borachu. In years when there has been persecution of Jews somewhere in the world, or violence in Israel, the sermon has been curtailed, in order to have time to recite some Psalms before Borachu.

The whole procedure is beautiful in its simplicity.

No Torah-scrolls, no Tefillo Zakko, no Kom Rebbi Shim'ôn, no appeal for money.

UK Orthodox Experience.(SM)

Everyone to be sat in seat before Yomtov. 50% are. The rest arrive - in their cars - after.

Tefillas Zaka, what's that? Oh you mean the thing that meshugana SM says when he won't respond to everyone's greetings. Kum Rebbe Shimon - ?

Kittel - I wear one. So does the Rabbi, the Chazzan and perhaps 5 other people.

Bigwigs take Sefer Torah out of ark and parade them to Bimah. Chazan makes meal of Kol Nidre - must still be hungry. It is the standard tune but by the time he's done it and the choir has helped it doesn't feel like it.

Appeal for UJIA (Israel). Sermon.

Ma'ariv. The songs are well known so people stop talking when they are being sung - more or less. Otherwise there is a steady hum throughout. This is better than on RH when you cannot hear the Chazzan or yourself.

3 hours later - home.

(Which is why, although I have no affinity for their beliefs, I go to Chabad for Neilah, daven for the Old Age home shacharit and mincha and teach the rest of the time, fitting in my davenning wherever I am and in the quietest place I can find.) 

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Win – Win – Lose x Infinity

A GUEST POST BY JEWISH INSURGENT

I spent a great deal of time in Shul this weekend davening. But there was something that kept repeating in my head over and over again. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. All I could think about was the fact that Blaise Pascal must have been a terrible mathematician. Sure, Pascal’s triangle is a cool doodle during a boring class, Pascal’s Law is great for shooting water through your nose, and his contribution to Euclidean geometry has its points of interest. However, his ability to make a wager lacks a complete understanding of the variants involved, at best.

For those who are unfamiliar, Pascal’s Wager is the idea that you may as well be religious, because if you are right, you’ll enjoy immortality on a beautiful cloud in heaven and if you are wrong, at least you’ve lived a decent life. This is a great way of hedging your bets. Or it would be, if it weren’t for the fact that all available possibilities are not nearly all that binary. You see, Pascal assumes that the two possibilities for someone who follows religion are that you either:


  1. Follow religion, which makes God happy. You die, go to heaven, and spend the rest of eternity enjoying grapes on a barca-cloud; or
  2. Follow religion, which does nothing incorporeal because there is no such thing as God, do tons of good things, and die knowing you lived as a really awesome person.

The corollary of this of course is a non-religious person has two possibilities as well:

  1. Not follow religion, spend eternity condemned to hell, which I can only imagine is something like a DMV which nobody notices is on fire; or
  2. Not follow religion, which does nothing incorporeal because there is no such thing as God, party a bit, and die having accomplished nothing and being a good for nothing jerk.

Ah, but any good statistician knows that true binary logic, in the real world, is actually somewhat rare. You see, beyond a flip of a coin, there are usually multiple scenarios and potential outcomes. In fact, possibilities on a cosmic level are rarely ever practically finite. But Pascal’s Wager is about religion and how we choose to live our lives, so let’s stick with that discussion. Let’s say I choose to keep religion based on Pascal’s Wager. I can’t go wrong because either I get into heaven or I live a decent life. It’s a win-win, really. Except it isn’t.

You see, there are infinite possibilities, so let’s try a thought exercise and discuss the most likely possibilities I can come up with:

  1. There is a God, he loves what you are doing with that life of yours, thinks it is absolutely spectacular, and when you die, you will get the red carpet treatment in heaven.
  2. There is no God, you really enjoy chulent, and everyone will think you are wonderful when you die, so at least there is that. Oh yeah, then there are the other possibilities…
  3. There is a God, you got everything entirely wrong, and that REALLY pissed Him off! Oh boy, should have tried atheism.
  4. There is a God, but He is scratching his head, wondering why the heck you thought that building a hut outside your house is a good idea. Don’t you know some kids in Africa could use that hut?! And really?! You are going to gorge yourself for three days straight?! Have you considered maybe having a sandwich and then sending the rest of the money you spent on that brisket to Haiti? Lucky for you, God is a decent Guy and will likely forgive you for misunderstanding your role in the world.
  5. There is no God, and gosh, you could have had a blast in your life. Too bad you are not going to get to experience all that awesome stuff. You were too busy worrying about paying to ensure your children’s belief in that God that doesn’t exist.
  6. There is no God, you wasted your Saturdays eating animals killed for your pleasure, praying to a God that doesn’t exists and taking naps while children starved. You could have been helping those starving children, but there are no Shuls in South Sudan and you need that money to pay your Synagogue dues. Also, there is probably something immoral you are doing that history will look negatively upon you for. After all, during Pascal’s time they had slavery and that is generally frowned upon today, so you may be a terrible person and not even know it. Some decent life you are living!
  7. There is a God, Maimonides’ 13 principles are right, but you were hedging your bets, so you didn’t have perfect faith. You just gave up your right to immortality and an afterlife. So much for your plan, you infidel!

These are only a few possibilities. There are many more, but these are enough to give you the idea that hedging your bets doesn’t work. Your religion could really be getting God angry. That should be enough of a reason to worry. But even worse, if you are wrong, your religion could be making you a bad person and you may not even realize it. You could be spending your time on one of your two days off in Synagogue talking to yourself, gorging yourself on food, and sleeping when you could be doing something good with your time, like seeing the world or helping people. You could be spending your money to feed the hungry instead of on Yeshiva education and Synagogue dues. You might be anti-gay because the Torah says so and all you are doing is making someone else’s life miserable with no payoff for you, or you could simply be looking past the truth because you are too busy dealing with the thing you think might be right.

The myth of Arab incitement


Show a (certain kind of) Charedi that there are rishonim who believed in an old universe, or disbelieved in magic, or who said verses were added to the Torah after Moshe, and you can expect him to question your motives and to respond with some combination of anger and indignation before he runs away to tell everyone what a jerk you are.

Zionists, I've discovered, are the same. Show a (certain kind of) Zionist anything --anything at all -- that discredits the received wisdom about Israel's general excellence and overall nobility and you'll get the exact, same sort of reaction. Like the Haredim, these kinds of Zionists have their own set of inaccurate facts and any attempt to correct the record is viewed as villainy.

**Interpolation **

Yes, I am sure that I do this, too, to some degree on some topics. But not religious ones.

** End **

I was treated to such a reaction earlier today when I tried to correct the claim, often repeated, that Arab leaders incited Arab followers to leave their homes in 1948. This is a myth, a comforting and convenient myth to be sure, but one that has been entirely debunked.

I'll allow the late Christopher Hitchens to summarize the evidence:
... [Elie Weisel] asserts that in 1948, “incited by their leaders, 600,000 Palestinians left the country convinced that, once Israel was vanquished, they would be able to return home.” 
This claim is a cheap lie and is known by Wiesel to be a lie. It is furthermore an utterly discredited lie, and one that Israeli officialdom no longer cares to repeat. Israeli and Jewish historians have exposed it time and again: Every Arab broadcasting station in the region, in 1947 as well as 1948, was monitored and recorded and transcribed by the BBC, and every Arab newspaper has been scoured, and not one instance of such “incitement”, in direct speech or reported speech, has ever come to light. The late historian and diplomat Erskine Childers issued an open challenge on the point as far back as the 1950s that was never taken up and never will be.  
Eliminate the myth of incitement, and we're left with no neat explanation for the displacement of over half a million Arabs during Israel's War of Independence, which was not a fight for independence but a fight for existence first and land second. Eliminate the myth of incitement,and we're forced to face the messy truth: Some Arabs left out of fear of the war, while others, as historians have documented, were forcibly expelled.

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We take it for granted here, that men don't work


Click to enlarge
Is it just assumed that Lakewood men don't work? In the letter reproduced above, you are asked to reach into your pocket and help the local poor, an endeavor this blog, of course, supports. What we do not support is the assumption, casually put forward in the section highlighted in grey, that every benei torah sponges off his inlaws or parents or allows his wife to bring home the family income.

Does this organization refuse to support families with male breadwinners that have fallen on hard times, or do they merely deny the existence of such families?

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Too sexy for Yom Kippur


 A guest post by Y. Bloch

Sixteen forbidden sexual relationships (arayot) are hardly what one would expect at the climax of Judaism's holiest day, but that's what we read from the Torah on the afternoon of Yom Kippur: Leviticus 18, the final chapter of the portion of Acharei Mot.

Now, the first chapter of Acharei Mot, Leviticus 16, describes the special service of Yom Kippur, including the scapegoat, so we can understand why the Talmud (Megilla 31a) tells us to read that on the morning of the Day of Atonement, but why conclude with a laundry list of forbidden sex (with a dollop of Moloch)?

The medieval commentators offer a number of explanations. Maimonides (Laws of Prayer 13:11) explains that "anyone who has violated one of these sins will remember, become embarrassed, and repent;" similarly, Rashi (ad loc.) writes that "the arayot are a common sin, because a person lusts after them and his passion compels him." The idea seems to be that it takes all of Yom Kippur to work up the courage and determination to repent for these sins.

However, Tosafot ha-Rosh point to a different source, an intriguing passage in the Talmudic tractate which deals with Yom Kippur, Yoma (19b):
Some of the worthiest of Jerusalem did not go to sleep all the night in order that the high priest might hear the reverberating noise, so that sleep should not overcome him suddenly. It has been taught: Abba Saul said: Also in the country they used to do so in memory of the Temple, but they used to commit sin. Abaye, or, as some say, R. Nahman b. Isaac, interpreted that to refer to Nehardea. For Elijah said to Rab Judah, the brother of R. Sila the Pious: Did you ask me why the Messiah has not come? Now today is the Day of Atonement, and yet how many virgins have been deflowered in Nehardea!
Day of Atonement, Sabbath of Sabbaths, Fast of the Tenth and... Deflowering Day? Now, we mentioned the special service of Yom Kippur, which had to be performed by the Kohen Gadol (usually translated "high priest," although "great minister" is a better rendering). Not only did he spend the whole day of Yom Kippur running around (of course, while fasting), he was not allowed to sleep the night before (Yoma 1:6-7). Jerusalem's nightlife assisted in this endeavor, and this was a custom which spread far and wide after the Second Temple's destruction. However, as Abba Saul testifies (one generation later), the holy origins of this custom were soon forgotten, especially by the young people who had never seen the Temple. Yom Kippur in Nehardea, then the capital of Diaspora Jewry in Babylonia, started looking like a Vegas bachelor party.

Perhaps this explains the custom described in the end of Taanit by Rabban Simeon ben Gamaliel, two generations after the Destruction, that on Tu beAv and Yom Kippur "the maidens of Jerusalem used to go out dressed in white garments... and danced in the vineyards, saying: Young men, look and observe well whom you are about to choose…" We discussed the origins of Tu beAv earlier this summer, but why would Yom Kippur be an appropriate time to do this? Considering the Nehardean alternative, we can understand why this might be a more positive way to channel the sexual energies of the youth. For our issue, we can understand why it is at this time that we read the passage of the arayot.

Regardless of which explanation we choose, what is clear is that this reading represents Judaism's mandate to confront the realities of human existence. We don't endorse celibacy; we don't condemn divorce; we don't refer to those born out of wedlock as bastards. Sex is a part of human life, a powerful force for good and evil, and even on the day when we most try to emulate the angels (Pirkei de-R. Eliezer 45), we recognize that we are inescapably human.

That is why it so disturbed me today to learn that state religious (dati) schools in Israel are planning to essentially eliminate human reproduction from the curriculum. (You can see the full story here.)

Let's look at one of the shockingly prurient illustrations which the religious authorities are trying to eliminate (please send any children out of the room):
1660286475

Gracious me, I feel the vapors coming on. It's almost as bad as that clip with the Emergency Coaching Hologram.

Is this really the path we want to head down? Remember, these are the supposedly moderate and modern religious schools. Will eliminating these subjects make male-female contact more unlikely? In America, the states which employ abstinence-only educational methods tend to have the highest rates of teen pregnancies. True, Halakha has strict standards for contact between the sexes, but that did not help the virgins of Nehardea.

More importantly, what of the "good" kids? Do we want them heading into marriage with an understanding of sex gleaned from the Internet and pop culture, rather than hard science? Even from a Torah-education point of view, a basic understanding of reproductive biology is necessary for understanding huge swaths of Talmudic literature.

If we can read about the arayot on Yom Kippur in our synagogues, surely we need not fear reading about the beauty, majesty and holiness of human reproduction in our schools. Is this truly the subject we want to leave to independent study?


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Monday, September 09, 2013

And they all got it wrong


As a keen observer of all things Jewish, I made it my business on the first night of the holiday to listen carefully to the greetings well-wishers extended each other at the close of services.

Many people opted for a brief, altogether inoffensive Kesivah V'chasimah Tova - though I did catch at least two Chasiva V'chasimah tovahs.  (Chasiva? Doesn't the first letter carry a dot?)

One old guy, wearing a satin kippah and the expression of an outsider, bid everyone a "l'shanah tovah." This was also a common Facebook greeting. I think this is wrong, strictly speaking. Here, the "l" at the front means "for." When you're saying l'shanah tovah tikosev v'sechasem / for a good year may you be written and inscribed that makes sense. Without the last part? Not so sure.

Meanwhile, every single person I encountered got the official, formal greeting wrong. As I say above, it is correctly pronounced l'shanah tovah tikosev v'sechasem. Alas, many of our coreligionists are afraid of the letter taf, and insist on converting it into a saf at every opportunity. So they all said, l'shanah tovah sikosev v'sechasem or - horrors - l'shanah sovah sikosev v'sechasem. The dikduk nerds can give you the reason, but as my machzor confirmed, the first letter of the third word is definitely a taf and Tovah is spelled with a tet, which always makes a T sound.  Please make a note for next year.

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Sunday, September 08, 2013

Wiener wins


Anthony Wiener wins this exchange with an Orthodox Jewish heckler, but did far less damage to him than he could have (and should have) done. I would have ripped the guy to shreds for presuming to make declarations on behalf of humanity about what constitutes "normal" or "deviant" behavior.




You can hear Mr. Self-Righteous starting the fight by @3:47 by attacking Wiener for "marrying an Arab." And naturally other scolds criticized the would-be-mayor for getting involved in a fight right before Rosh Hashana. With straight faces, too.


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Saturday, September 07, 2013

Happy 5940!


A guest post by Y. Bloch


As the first Sabbath of the new Jewish year has just concluded, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy, good and sweet 5940!

Oh, wait, your calendar probably says 5774. Let me explain.

Ancient Hebrews counted years the way their Near Eastern neighbors did, by the year of the ruling monarch, the kings of Judea, Israel, Babylonia or Persia, as the case might be. However, as the age of kingdoms gave way to the age of empires, Jews worldwide, especially in the far-flung Diaspora, needed a universal system. They turned to minyan shtarot; this does not refer to the minimum number of documents you must have in a synagogue, but rather a dating system, Anno Graecorum, year 1 of which was 311 BCE.

However, as the age of empires gave way to the age of faiths, worldwide Jewry was increasingly split between the realms of two younger monotheistic religions, Christianity and Islam, each of which used its own faith-based dating system. Minyan shtarot was largely irrelevant (though in some lands, including Yemen, it persisted until recently), so a new chronology was needed. What better, then, than counting from the beginning, i.e., "In the beginning," Genesis 1:1?

Now, it was easy to tally the years since the Greek era, as that count had been maintained uninterrupted for a millennium and a half. However, the period before that was somewhat murky, so they turned to Seder Olam Rabba by R. Jose b. Halafta. This 2nd-century Mishnaic sage used biblical text and oral traditions to create a consistent historical record.

The problem, of course, is that neither the Bible nor the Talmud are history books, especially when they converge, as in the Persia Era. R. Jose takes literally the rabbinic statement cited in the Talmud (Rosh Hashana 3a): "Cyrus is Darius is Artaxerxes," conflating numerous kings of Persia and cutting the multiple centuries of Persian rule down to a handful of decades. (But don't take the historians' word for it: Rabbi Zerahiah of Lunel, the 12th-century sage known as the Baal HaMaor, also concludes that this rabbinic statement is not to be taken literally.) That's why Seder Olam gives the equivalent of 420 BCE  as the date of the destruction of the First Temple, rather than the historical date of 586 BCE. That's a difference of 166 years, and if we add them back in, this year would be 5940.

But Rosh Hashana is still the anniversary of Creation, right? Well, bear in mind that:
  1. The only time the term rosh ha-shana is used in Scripture is to refer, apparently, to Yom Kippur (Ezekiel 40:1).
  2. The question of whether the world was created in the spring or autumn is a matter of dispute between Rabbi Joshua and Rabbi Eliezer, and the Talmud endorses the view of the former as a matter of fact (Rosh Hashana 12a).
  3. Even following Rabbi Eliezer's opinion, there are different views as to which day of Creation Rosh Hashana was: the first (ibid. 11a), the sixth (Lev. Rabba 29a) or the seventh (Pesikta Rabbati 46).
So where does that leave us? After all, our liturgy talks about Rosh Hashana (to be more precise, Yom HaZikaron) as the day of creation, and we date halakhic documents--those of marriage, divorce, etc.--by the Seder Olam count. Are we wrong to do so?
Well, let us be precise. Our documents read: "On day X of month Y of year Z to the creation of the world, according to the count which we reckon here..." How significant is this? Consider the ruling of the Shulhan Arukh (HM 43:2, EH 127:10):
If the scribe omitted "to the creation of the world," it is kosher.
The Levush, R. Mordecai Yoffe (EH 127:11), explains:
Even if he left out the thousands and hundreds and wrote only the small numbers, e.g. "Year 59 according to the count which we reckon here," and even if he did not write "to the creation of the world" either, it is kosher.
In other words, 5774 is not sacrosanct because of how much time has elapsed since "the creation of the world;" it is holy because it is our reckoning, the universal count which ties all of Jewry together. Indeed, this is true of Rosh Hashana itself: it is not holy because of what was created on that date, but because we sanctify it and celebrate it as the commemoration of divine sovereignty, recognizing God as sole Creator and King.

Indeed, this is how the Jerusalem Talmud (Rosh Hashana 1:3) describes the role of the human court (bet din) in the calendar:
If the bet din says, "Today is Rosh Hashana," the Holy One, Blessed be He, says to the angels: "Set up the stand, summon the prosecutors, summon the defenders -- for my children have declared that today is Rosh Hashana." If the court decides to declare a leap month and make Rosh Hashana the next day,  the Holy One, Blessed be He says to the angels: "Remove the stand, remove the prosecutors, remove  the  defenders, for my children have decided to put it off till tomorrow." What is the reason? "For it is a rule for Israel, a judgment of the God of Jacob" (Psalms 81:5) -- If Israel does not rule, the God of Jacob does not judge.

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And no one died...


A note in the Koren machzor compliments 13th century Jews for making a smart change to the liturgy:

In a brilliant stroke, without changing a word of the usual  Shabbat and festival prayers at this point, the overarching theme of Rosh HaShana – God’s kingship – is signaled by the emphasis placed on this one  word, HaMelekh, “the King,” often by the main shaliaĥ tzibbur taking over at this point, sometimes singing the word as he ascends the bima, and by the music itself which begins softly in a minor key and rises to a triumphant major. This practice dates back to Rabbi Meir of Rothenburg in the thirteenth century

No mention is made of the Rabbis who protested, of the communities who refused to embrace the innovation, or of the polemics published by Jewish newspaper men who opposed it.

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Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Selichos

@azigra

Posted on Facebook by "NewAge Hasid":


מי שענה לעם ישראל בחורבן בית השני הוא יעננו

מי שענה לעשרה הרוגי מלכות הוא יעננו


מי שענה לבר כוכבא ומאות אלפי ישראל שנהרגו בנפילת ביתר הוא יעננו

מי שענה להנביא זכריה בן יהוידע הכהן בירושלים הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לגדליהו בן אחיקם בירושלים הוא יעננו.

מי שענה ליהודי שפירא, וורמייזא ומגנצא בגזירות תתנ"ו הוא יעננו.

מי שענה ליהודי פולין ואוקראינה בגזירות ת"ח-ת"ט הוא יעננו.

מי שענה להרוגי הצלבנים באירופה הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לקדושי פס במרוקו הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לרבי יהוסף בן שמואל הלוי הנגיד עם קהילתו הקדושים

 בגרנדה הוא יעננ    

מי שענה לקדושי יארק ונורוויץ באנגליה הוא יעננו.

מי שענה להאנוסים בספרד בשנות האינקוויזיציה הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לקדושי צרפת במשך כל שנות הטבח הוא יעננו.

מי שענה ליהודי גרמניה בשעת גזירתיו של מרטין לותר הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לכל היהודים שנהרגו בגלל עלילת דם הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לכל היהודים שנהרגו בפוגרום'ס ברוסיא הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לכל היהודים שנשלחו להגולאג'ס הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לכל היהודים שנרצחו בחברון תרפט הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לאבותני בליל קריסטאלנאכט הוא יעננו.

מי שענה להקדושים שנרצחו בבאבי יאר ואודסה הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לשש מיליון יהודי אירופה במלחמות עולם השני הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לכל האמהות שמתו בשעת לידה הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לכל התינוקות של בית רבן שמתו או שנרצחו הוא יעננו.

מי שענה לכל הצדיקים והחסידים והתמימים והישרים שנרצחו על

 קידוש השם בכל דור ודור הוא יעננו.


You can sing it in shul to this beautiful tune:

 





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Notice Re Shidduch Resumes

In light of the recent revelation that some men have not been properly circumcised (see here) the Vaad HaShiduchim of Lakewood will now require photographs of penises with all dating resumes. While girls are required to submit pictures of their heads, boys will ONLY be required to submit pictures of their penises. Again, boys will NOT have to provide pictures of their face.

We are sorry for the inconvenience, but בנות ישראל קדושים הן , our Jewish daughters are holy, and they will not know what the male member is supposed to look like on their wedding night.

Please be assured that ONLY the shadchan and prospective fathers in law will be shown the pictures. 

May all of out tefilos be answered this Yom Hadin.


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We won't comment before we're sure this is real



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The politicization of performing mitzvos

Attention all women: Please be advised that your attempt to fulfill the voluntary mitzvah of hearing the shofar will, in the current environment, likely be construed as a feminist attempt to usurp a commandment traditionally associated with men. It is also possible that Yaakov Menken of Cross Currents will accuse you of attempting to turn Israel into a Reform state. You have been warned.

Meanwhile, the great Fred McDowell reports:
Today I was walking behind a rosh yeshiva and was noticing how one corner of the kapote, on the slit, was rounded, so he wouldn't have to put tzitzis on it. I thought, how strange. Here is a beged that actually is mechuyav in tzitzis, and with the aid of a scissor and thread a loophole lets it go tzitzis-free. But I'm pretty sure, I'll bet, he was wearing a tallis kotton - a garment that isn't exactly a real garment - just so he can have a begged with tzitzis on it.
Yes, its strange but only because you're thinking about it. If you forget about things like Jewish law and the endless exhortations to fulfill as many mitzvos as possible as punctiliously as possible, the behavior of this RY makes perfect sense. Attaching tzitzis to your kaopte isn't the done thing. It looks dorky. The other Roshey Yeshivot would laugh and point. So of course nullifying the tzitzis obligation by altering the clothing is the way to go.  Or to summarize:

Tefillin for women: Voluntary Mitzvah  + Not in Style  = Don't do it
Shofar for women: Voluntary Mitzvah  + In Style  = Move heaven and earth to get it done.
Tzitzis on an external  four corned garment:  Mandatory Mitzvah + Not in style = Nullify the requirment


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Sunday, September 01, 2013

No Teshuva in the Forecast

A GUEST POST BY BEREL SHAIN

Last night, like most of my Orthodox brethren, I spent the hours that transformed Saturday into Sunday deep in introspectional prayer. When I awoke this morning I was eager to see what, if any, divine reaction there might be to the kickoff of the week of Rosh Hashana. And Hashem did not disappoint. He sent us a message that was loud, clear and unmistakable to all of my Flatbush neighbors: no change is necessary, just keep doing what you’re doing.

How was this message transmitted? By means of the weather. Allow me to elaborate. Slightly less than a year ago, Hurricane Sandy wrought havoc on our shores. In its immediate aftermath, many different versions of the divine message were offered (including one by this author - http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2012/11/why-did-sandy-happen-definitive-answer.html). Regardless of the specifics, all seemed to agree that the Lord was distressed about something. Sandy was a message to us that we must change our ways and repent. Today, the weather was perfect here in Flatbush, the sgan ihr hatorah v’hatznius. No storms, no floods not even a drop of rain. Clearly, we do not need to look inwards right now. There is nothing that each of us must correct either personally or on a communal scale. Hashem has no complaints, no requests, no message and feels we need no wakeup calls or reminders. We are ready for judgment day and clearly, whatever was upsetting Hashem last year is no longer an issue.


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Anat retentive: A Selihot special


A guest post by Y. Bloch

I wish to speak to you today about a disorder which has been prevalent in Israel and the worldwide Jewish community for some time, but has really hit epidemic proportions in the last six months.
It's called Anat retentiveness. It's serious, but there is a cure.

What is Anat retentiveness? Well, Sigmund Freud coined the term "anal retentiveness" for those who, to their detriment, are so obsessed with picayune details that it annoys others. Freud thought it was ultimately about baby poop, but that's been largely discarded, except of course for making diaper bombs to toss at women who come, with ritual objects usually monopolized by men, to pray at the Kotel, the Western Wall.

This brings us to the similarly-named Anat retentiveness. In this condition, one is overly obsessed, to one's own detriment and the annoyance of others, with the picayune details of one person, namely Anat Hoffman, whose day job is executive director of the Israel Religious Action Center, "the public and legal advocacy arm of the Israel Movement for Progressive Judaism." Progressive, here in Israel, equals Reform. Don't get me started on how confusing the term "Masorati" is.

However, for our purposes, what is more important is her role as chairwoman of Women of the Wall, which will shortly celebrate its 25th anniversary. It is WOW, who are a) a group of women who seek to b) pray at the Western Wall (who'da thunk it?), who have grabbed headlines over the summer since a Jerusalem District Court ruling allowed them to pray as they want at their monthly prayers, namely with Torah scrolls, phylacteries (tefillin) and tallitot (that's an English word now, look it up). Thousands have mobilized to block them from doing exactly that in person, and WOW's detractors on the Internet are legion. And far too many of them are Anat retentive.

How do you know if your loved one suffers from this condition? Here are some telltale signs:
  1. Does your loved one clutch a yellowed clipping from the South Florida Sun Sentinel (Broward County's news follower!) to his or her bosom, murmuring about Anat Hoffman's "plan" to limit men's-only access to the Kotel?
  2. Does your loved one obsessively watch 8 seconds of videotape from an Israeli news show in which Anat Hoffman speaks of a future vision of the Wall without a mehitza (partition) between the sexes?
  3. Does your loved one give the title "Anat Hoffman is No X" to the response to a post about WOW which never mentions Anat?
  4. Does your loved one speak patronizingly about "relat[ing] to the struggles of the individuals who participate and support Women of the Wall’s (WoW‘s) prayer protests"? Or caption a photo of WOW saying Shema as "protest at the Western Wall"?
  5. Does your loved one express puzzlement that the Conservative accept a mixed-prayer area at the Kotel-proximate Robinson's Arch, but Anat Hoffman, as WOW's chairwoman, has rejected it?
  6. Does your loved one stay up all night watching a BBC interview in which Anat Hoffman admits that she is <gasp> REFORM?
Now, of course Anat is Reform, and she works for a Reform organization, IRAC. But as chairwoman of WOW, she represents a nondenominational volunteer group which has Reform, Conservative and Orthodox members, some of whom arrive at the Kotel in tallit and/ or tefillin, some of whom do not. Anat retentive sufferers have referred to her as the elected president of WOW, which is both wrong and ludicrous, but assume that she were: are Americans now 50% black because their elected president is?
The idea that nondenominational groups must be represented by nondenominational Jews hits close to home for me because my father is an Orthodox rabbi, with his own synagogue, whose day job is at the nondenominational Board of Jewish Education (now called the Jewish Education Project). When he gives a sermon or lecture or interview, is he expressing the views of the BJE or its parent, UJA-Federation? No; nor is Anat Hoffman doing so for WOW when she speaks as a Reform Jew, nor is Religious Services Minister Naftali Bennett (who happens to be Orthodox) expressing a "plan" to toss Muslims from the Temple Mount when he prays for the Temple to be rebuilt. One who thinks so is sadly suffering from Anat retentiveness.

Do not lose hope. There is a remedy, manufactured by God Himself. (Biggest Pharma?) The Talmud records (Kiddushin 30b), "I have created the Torah as an antidote." Study what Halakha has to say about women reading from a Torah scroll, laying tefillin, putting on a tallit. You'll be surprised.
Most importantly, let's turn to the dean of Jewish physicians, Dr. Moses Maimonides. He believes that such a malady can only truly be cured when one finds oneself in the exact same situation and refuses to repeat the error (Laws of Repentance 2:1).

So now is the time for Anat retentiveness sufferers! You can break the cycle. Women of the Wall will be holding a Selihot service tonight (Sunday). You can take this opportunity to get over it. Let those who come to pray at the gathering-place for all Jewry do so in peace.

As for me, I have to get to Selihot. Not at the Kotel, unfortunately, but I am heartened by the thought that those who will be there, including Women of the Wall, will be praying for all of us. Shavua tov!



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