By Cousin Oliver
When I was born, my parents were imbued with a tiny bit of prophecy from the heavens. I know because they named me Cousin Oliver. The heavens, through them, foresaw that I would become someone's cousin (my first name is Cousin!) and that I will also have the ability to perform something called an olive on a girl. (Oliver, my second name, is a conjunction of the words Olive and Her).
And thus my name, Cousin Oliver, has captured my essence perfectly.
But hmmmm: One of my grandparents is named Cousin and the other is Oliver. I awlays thought that I was named after them. Hmm. I am confused now. If I was named after some other people, how could my name capture my essence? Wouldn’t it be their essence? And I am sure that my grandparents probably got it from their grandparents. So is it my great-great-great-great grandparents essence that my name has capture?
Wait. I know how to resolve this. I am going to open the holy Torah and search for a pasuk that starts with an C (from C-ousin) and ends with an R (from olive-R). The pasuk will truly show my essence.
For this to work, I guess I need to convert C to a Kof and the R to a Reish. Artscroll siddur makes this search easy for me (look in the back). (Although I am not sure why I need to use THOSE pesukim.) Anyway, artscroll failed to have my full name so I was forced to break it into two. Kuf Nun for CousiN and Alef Reish for OliveR.
Kuf Nun - I poured out my complaint before him; I showed before him my trouble.
Alef Reish - They are brought down and fallen: but we are risen, and stand upright.
So my first reaction is- What. The. Hell. Does. This. Mean. At. All. So I try to string it together. The pasuk for Cousin must mean that I complain a lot and the pasuk for Oliver must mean that I am better then everyone else. Yea, that sounds just like me! I complain and am better then everyone else!
But wait. My grandfather never complained and was extremely humble. He had this name. Was it his essence too? This is all so confusing. Is my essence his essence or do I have his essence because we have the same essence and is both of our essences the same and everyone else in the world who shares my name has the same essence that I do… Take dovbear. He isn't the only dovbear. Are all dovbears like him?
…ITS ALL CRAP. GET A GRIP FOOLS.