Monday, April 30, 2012

Asifa Schedule as told over to @azigra

Proceedings to Commence 3:30pm Sunday, May 20, 2012

Recital of Tehillim, led by a Leading Gadol HaDor

Audio-Visual Presentation In Color Accompanied By Sound And Appearing On A Screen:
Divrei Brocha from HaGoan Maran R’ Chaim Kulesky Shlita*
Maran will lend his support to the Ichud Hakehilos L’maan Kedushas Hamachane while confirming that he’s never actually seen an internet and wouldn’t be able to recognize one in the street if he saw one. Everyone will be encouraged to take the messages they hear to heart

Mincha, followed by a siyum, with dancing

Address by HaMashgiach R’ Manis Lox
The Mashgiach shlita will explain the interworking of the internet and how just a small series of pipes can bring all of the world into your home. The Masgiach will also insult the hundreds of thousands of people who have previously sat in Citi Field by speaking about how those in attendance have been Mekadesh the field for a holy purpose. He, Shlita, will also address the dangers of unfiltered access to all sorts of information and how it can ruin our holy and special Yiddish children. Several likley fabricated stories will be told for the purpose of scaring those in attendance into compliance.

Select cantorial pieces by Chazzan Yitzchok Helfgot

Joint singing of heartfelt nigunim led by Rabbi Abish Brodt

Address by HaRav Wacksteain
HaRav Wackstein shlita will loudly, passionately and with the spraying of copious saliva, describe the heartache and misery and destruction internet access has brought to the world. Select stories will be shared including a poignant one about, our old friend, the good boy from a good family and a good yeshiva who now lives in Iran with his eyeballs glued to a TV screen (literally) leading to his parent's divorce and all his sisters marrying gentile men with strong Aryan features.

M’sheberach L’Cholim, including all the good boys and good girls from good families and good schools now living in sin thanks, entirely, to Facebook and possibly Twitter.

Address by HaRav Colter
HaGaon Rav Melech Colter Shlita, a leading Rosh Yeshiva, will explain how all sicknesses and diseases and car crashes that have plagued Am Yisroel in recent times could be avoided were it not for the Internet

Ma’ariv
B’rov Am Hadras Melech, followed by Kabalus Ol Malchus Shamayim

 Reading of Letter from A Leading Gadol Hador in Eretz Yisroel
HaGaon Rav Avrom Schocheter shlita will read a letter addressed to the Asifa by a leading Gadol HaDor. The letter will discuss how it takes Yidden to turn a filthy Roman stadium frequently attended by people who use smart phones into "a real Kiddush Hashem"

Books, tapes, audio-visual programs, will be available for purchase in parking lot.

(*all names have been changed upon request of our fair editor DovBear out of his immense respect and honor for our great Gedolim shlita and the honor of our holy Torah)

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