Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Great Moments in Charedi Living

by azigra

Without a central point (other than increasing your blood pressure), here are some charedei miscellanei (sic):

1) Members of the Royal Family of Lakewood, New Jersey intend to drive up the Garden State Parkway, cross over the RFK Bridge, get off at exit 19, and "give chizuk" to the poor souls living in the Five Towns on Sabbos, February 11th. They couldn't be coming soon enough, in the 6 months since they've been here last 78 local families have converted to atheism and 136 yeshiva boys took gentile girlfriends (58 of those boys also stopped wearing hats). In what is now expected from Yeshiva heads they will lead the community in singing songs over chulent with local mini celebrities planning to be in attendance. The one shuir mentioned on the whole schedule is listed as being for "Chavrei Kollel Avrechem" so if you are already a Ben Torah then the shuir is for you and if you ever held a job in your life the extent of your interest in this religion is songs and chulent. I will not be in attendance.

2) The secretary in my office was called for Jury Duty several weeks ago and they informed her she would be serving on a Grand Jury which would keep her away from work for four weeks. About a week in she stopped by the office to ask me if guys mind girls who are taller than them and whether she should wear flats or high heals on her date that night. Today, with a week left to Jury Duty she came to inform everyone that she got engaged last night. So there it is, choosing your life partner goes quicker than Jury Duty.

3) A friend of mine told me about her meeting recently with a friend of hers who just got back from seminary in Israel. Prior to her pilgrimage to the candy shops of Geulah this girl was apparently a very "bubbly, outgoing, vibrant girl, with a great personality and a great sense of style." Said style involved a "gorgeous pair of brown leather knee high boots with a fur trim on top." The girl who showed up to this reunion was a shell of her former self. Besides the mid-neck-high black shirt, the ankle length black skirt with black stockings, her every utterance was monotone, with most questions answered by mumbling "baruch hashem." If she had gone to the Far East and joined a cult you would recognize it for what it is, but since she was in Israel and now she's frummer, you don't recognize it for what it is.

4) HRH Princess Catherine The Duchess of Cambridge has been parading around England lately in a winter coat inspired by the Hassidic Bekesha. On a trip to Israel several years ago, the coat's designer bought and fell in love with a black satin coat meant for young Hassidic boys and styled the future queens coat based on its shape and cut. The story was carried by The Daily Mail last week along with pictures of The Duchess (who was supposed to have married me if everything went as planned) and pictures of some Hassidc boys standing on a fence. What the Daily Mail does not know is that Catherine's coat actually gets its inspiration from coats worn by 18th Century polish people.

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