Book IX
The home-stretch, or the post in which I mercifully end it all.
The Book of Esther
Perek Tet
The Jews went out and killed just like they were told, except for the Hasidim who hired illegal immigrants to do the killing on their behalf. The Meggilah says no Jew touched any of the spoils of war. Instead, they took new, fresh stuff only (spoiled stuff, like rodeo, and paying retail, is for the goyim.)
The Jews further decided that it wasn’t fair that non-Jews had Halloween while all they had were a bunch of fasting and praying "holidays," so they decreed a new day of celebration in which everyone got to dress up and act like an Irishman.
At the last moment, the Pashkez Snack Corporation sent Mordichai and Esther a large cash gift; as a result the giving of gift baskets was also worked into the holiday, even though, when you think about it, there's no real, organic connection between being saved from genocide, and distributing junk food around the neighborhood.
In any event, they sent:
Home Baked Cake................................and
Inexpensive Fruit............................... and
Kedem Grape Juice............................ and
Chocolate Wafers from Pashgez....... and
Peanut Chews..................................... and
Super Snacks...................................... and
Kugel.................................................... and
Leiber’s Potato Chips........................ and
Cheap Beer......................................... and
Peanuts............................................... the
ten most common items in the packages.
As time went by, Jews being Jews, tried to outdo each other, all the while giving pious lip service to how non-materialistic Jews are. As the rivalry increased, and the gift baskets became more and more elaborate, both in quantity and quality, everyone forgot the true reason for the celebration, ie: that the Jews were free again to buy irresponsible gas-guzzling cars.
(Only among the Ultra Orthodox is this recalled. This is why, ad hayom hazeh, Ultra Orthodox yeshivot make a point of dressing their students in big bunny rabbit costumes and sending them around town in oversized cars.)
The downside is all this gift distribution ties up traffic causing the non-Jews to wish Haman had succeeded.
But, too bad on them: By now, Mudcha was head Muckity-Muck so the non-Jews had to eat it, or move to the suburbs.
Book X
Perek Yud
Ach taxed everyone to death, exept for the richest one percent, while Mudcha (dressed in fabulous purple robes, wink, wink) lived happily ever after listening to the Miami "Boys" Choir squeal Besiyata Dishmaya over, and over and over again.
The End
