Book II
The Book of Esther
Perek Bays:
Old king Ach was a very shrewd king and a very shrewd king was he. He had a black Secretary of State and an Hispanic Attorney General / Grand Inquisitor; now, with the position of Queen open, Ach saw a golden opportunity for pandering to yet another minority.
He put an ad in the Jewish Press: "Hot Jewish Woman Wanted to Serve as Helpmeet for Studly Christian Leader of Free World. Frequent love-making and occasional cookie-baking required."
As you might have expected, the ad was ignored, though some say Daniel Lapin sent a polite letter of inquiry. Rashi says the ad was ignored because the Jewish Press had religious scruples and refused to publish it. The Rashbam says, and I quote, "Scruples? Don't be naive. So long as the King paid in advance the Jewish Press was glad to have the business. The bad response was because the copy-editor misspelled every third word."
Undeterred by the poor response to his ad, Ach went to plan "B" and put up posters on all the shteeble walls announcing that the king was giving away free copies of Lazer Brody's new book and/or free copies of the Miami Boys Choir's Besiyata Dishmaya album. This worked. Soon hordes of squealing seminary girls were pounding on the palace door.
It so happened that a big, fat guy of Hasidic descent who had gone into exile when the Boro Park housing market exploded lived in Shushan at this time. His name was Mudcha and he was a little light in the loafers, as they say. Mudcha loved reading Lazer Brody and listening to the Miami Boys Choir while sitting in a tub of lavender bubble bath, so he sent his niece to the palace for the freebies. His niece’s name was Haddasah, but Mudcha didn’t want anyone to know that she was Jewish, so he gave her another Jewish name ie: Ester. Mudcha was a low-watt bulb.
Mudcha further instructed Ester never to tell anyone that she was Jewish, even though she always double parked in front of Pick & Pay and spoke with that horrible Flatbush accent. Plus she clicked her tounge when she got impatiant, so who did Mudcha think they were fooling anyhow?
Ester arrived at the palace, and to her surprise she was immediately escorted over to the palace beauty shop and given a full Jenny Jones style makeover. When Ester asked why she needed a makeover to pick up a book and some audio cassettes the attendants giggled and explained that there was a little something she needed to do before they could give her the valuable parting gifts.
That night, Ester was led into a dimly lit bedroom with a leopard-skin pattern bedspread, candles, and Luther Vandross playing on the stereo. Ach came into the room, wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos. Ester, who like any good Jewish girl had never been told about marital relations, was unfazed. The night passed and the next morning Ach chose Ester, who was somewhat shell-shocked, as his new queen.
Some time later Mudcha, who performed mime and worked a three-card-monte table outside the palace gates, overheard two palace guards, Bigsan and Teresh, bad-mouthing Mudcha's favorite hockey team. Mudcha grew more and more furious the more they talked, especially since his team hadn’t made the playoffs in four seasons. So, Mudcha went to Ester and told her that the two guards were planning on killing the king. Ester reported the matter on Mudcha's behalf, and the two men were apprehended and sent to the prison at Guantanamo Bay, where they were never formally accused of any crime and denied access to their lawyers.
Later, under a Geroge W. Bush supported-practice known as "extraordinary rendition," Bigsan and Teresh were sent for questioning in Syria or perhaps Pakistan. Though Bigson and Tersh had previously insisted on their inocence, they "got with the program" the moment the Syrian, or perhaps Pakistani, agents attached the electrical wires to their genitals. In between howls of pain, B & T confessed their plan to kill the king, and for good measure they even admitted to being part of a world-wide terror organization. Rashi adds that B & T were even ready to confess to the Kennedy assassination "if that would make the pain go away."
Overjoyed with the confessions, Ach had the men returned to Shushan where, following a three and a half-minute trial, they were convicted and hanged in the name of freedom.
Mudcha, who snickered gleefully at the execution, was recorded as the King's savior in the official records.
To be continued...
From the writings of A.P Kores* Writen by A.P Kores Edited by DovBear
