A guest post by TikunOlam
I have a year until I make my first Bar Mitzvah. And I have been stressing over it for years already. And it isn't about the planning. Because I affiliate CJ and our families are OJ on both sides, we have some big decisions to make. We can either hold the Bar Mitzvah on the shabbos of my son's actual birthday and risk losing relatives or we can hold it on a Monday of a nearby holiday weekend and lose some of our close friends, who have become like family of choice, because this holiday weekend is a very popular time of year to go on vacation. We decided that since it is my son's Bar Mitzvah, he can make the choice. He has many Bat Mitzvahs to go to this year and after a few months he will know what he wants to do. It is a no win situation really, so I want to make sure it is about him, not our family (who for the most part can't even bare to have a conversation with us about religion) and it is not about our friends.
Recently I got into a conversation regarding trusting kashrut with an OJ friend. I have no idea how it turned into a conversation about kashrut at the Bar Mitzvah. The friend mentioned how s/he hates being the one who gets the different kosher meal while others eat the meals that are served. I explained that our shul only serves kosher food and we have a halachic rabbi who also happens to be one the biggest menches I know. S/he said that it is uncomfortable to be the one wearing obvious OJ gear and eat the meal served. I explained that in my shul everyone is also dressed in shul attire, kippot for the men, skirts for the women. S/he wouldn't stand out as being different in any way.
To which I got, Tik, come on, you know how the game is played. And paraphrasing here, it was explained to me that what s/he eats would depend on the "situation."
Before people jump on me and say, "well you left, you have to accept the way the OJ world works." I will turn it right back on you and say, "don't you live a life on the exterior that reflects what you believe inside?" That is all I do. And if you don't, that's not my problem and I just hope that you are happy with your choices.
Our family has bent over backwards to be respectful to our OJ relatives. We would never dream of even asking if we could come just for one day of Yom Tov. We dress to OJ standards in their shuls, buy Glatt kosher food and eat on paper when we host them at our home(though my kitchen is kosher, but they don't trust it). The males of my family wear kippot in their presence, we wish them good shabbos all the time, even though we are not shabbos observers.
But the way the game is played? What does that mean? If a grown person calls it a game and raised their kids to "play the game" what does it accomplish exactly? A bunch of game playing OJs who can't eat at a kosher CJ Bar Mitzvah because of appearances and it is not what OJs do? And because of this "game" I am really going to have to buy Meal Mart airplane food for my OJ guests just because they can't trust us, our rabbi or the kosher caterer?
Honestly, I hate the games. They are divisive and political. They have no basis in Torah or Halacha. My rabbi is a Shomer Shabbat Jew. His kashrut standards can be trusted. And if you accept that and believe that but you have me order a Meal Mart meal just to keep up appearances and make sure everyone knows that you are not one of "us," well, I think I have a right to have a reaction to that. I'll supply the Meal Mart meals of course and not do it with any fuss. But I will resent that it is about politics, not halacha and that exhibiting a separateness from my world by playing games is more important than finding out the facts, being that the food is kosher, that the Shomer Shabbos rabbi of our shul ensures that it is so, and it is simply appearances that would keep an OJ from eating the food.
Honestly, I am currently annoyed at the messenger. I don't even really feel like talking to him/her right now. I am tired of all of this and it makes me wonder what I am setting myself and my children up for, by allowing them to be surrounded by people in our lives that can't even bare to talk about our choices and why we made them, and specifically be contrary just to prove that somehow they are "more religious" than our rabbi. We have always been the black sheep of the family and yes, it was our "choice." But I don't accept that politics and appearances should be the deciding factor with regards to decisions that OJs make.
Search for more information about kashrut politics at 4torah.com.
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