RIP Allan Gould

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A Guest Eulogy/Plug by G.A.

As a child, I was enthralled by my copy of The Unorthodox Book of Jewish Records & Lists by Allan Gould and Danny Siegel. For those who are not familiar with this book, or who are unwilling to fork out the $0.01 plus shipping it currently sells for, it is a spoof containing such items as “The Greatest One-Liner Guilt Trips Laid on a Jewish Child by his Mother,” “The Largest Matza Ball in History,” and “Famous Jewish Mountain Climbers” (Answer: None—A man could get killed!). I was too young to articulate what satire or parody was, or to situate this work in the canon of Jewish humor  but it was crystal clear to me that this dog-eared book (signed by Mr. Gould, no less!) was a work of utter genius. So many of the mechanics that make funny funny—recurring jokes, inside humor  send-ups, irreverence—were being executed with subject matter that belonged to me, and I slept with this book next to my bed.

Years passed, the book was misplaced, and I recently spotted a copy on my wife’s parents’ bookshelf. This one was signed by the other author, and I took this as a sign that I should immediately steal the book, which I did. In the intervening years, I had become a fan and amateur practitioner of humour (i.e. too shy to talk to girls), read Israel Davidson’s Parody in Jewish Literature (1907) cover to cover, and passed by Allan Gould’s house about a hundred times, wanting to knock on the door, express my appreciation, and have him marvel at my wit and collaborate with me on a series of screenplays that would take us to the Academy Awards, where we would leave a trail of laughter and admiration down the red carpet (he lives on my walk to Shul; I am not a stalker).

I never knocked on that door, and Allan passed away suddenly of a brain aneurysm at 68. In tribute to him, I dedicate my twitter feed (twitter.com/orthodiction), reproduced below. People sometimes characterize rain at funerals as the heavens crying, but any inclement weather on February 22nd was no doubt the result of the belly-laughs of a thousand angels.

ASKAN [ass-can] (n): Community activist tasked with ensuring that Rabbinical leaders meet annual ban quotas.

GET (n): Divorce document purchased by wife’s parents from husband following dissolution of marriage.

HECHSHER (n): Rabbinic certification that a bottle of spring water is Kosher, Parve, and may be consumed on Passover.

HISHTADLUS (n): Effort, esp. in the context of earning a living. Includes tax fraud, but not post-secondary education. See PARSHAS HAMAN.

KEFIRA (n): Position taken by Orthodox sect other than one's own.

KEZAYIS (n): Unit of measurement ranging in size from a large olive (when consuming Karpas) to a small watermelon (when consuming Matza).

MEKUBAL (n): Kabbalist; Mystic. Capable of foreseeing/influencing the future, yet mysteriously unable to use such gift to self-finance.

MIDRASH (n): Non-literal genre of Biblical exegesis which employs parable and metaphor for homiletic effect; cf. MEDRISH.

MEDRISH (n): Series of miraculous but true tales passed down through an unbroken chain of 2nd grade Rebbis and Parsha sheet illustrators.

PIDYON SHVUYIM (n): The utilization of scarce community resources for the purpose of keeping Orthodox felons on the streets.

PRITZUS (n): Lit. immodesty; One of the primary causes of natural disasters, most cancers, and other assorted misfortune. See also TOEVAH.

REB (n): Orthodox Jewish male above the age of nine.

SHEITEL (n): $3000 strawberry blonde hairpiece employed by Orthodox women to preserve short matted hair for their husbands' sole viewing.

TEHILIM (n): Compilation of Jewish techno and pop lyrics circa 930 BCE.

YESHUA (n): On-demand divine intervention granted in exchange for charitable donation in multiple of 18. See KUPAT HAIR.
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Here's Gershom Gorenberg destroying David Brooks

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Hogan's Heroes was a straightforward,
accurate depiction of life in
German POW camps

Well, first, of course, Avi Shfran has read David Brook's propaganda tour of Orthodox Jewish Brooklyn and pronounced it good, saying: 

All in all, [it is] a straightforward, accurate depiction of the community and its values

Uh huh. And Hogan's Heroes was a straightforward, accurate depiction of life in German POW camps.

We'll let Gershom Gorenberg deal with this: (if this sounds familiar, its because I made some of the same points, only in less elegant, less professional language)

A self-absorbed DovBear discussion about the new pope and what it means to him

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So, the Catholics have a new pope. The first thing I'd like to understand is why do I care? Why did we glue ourselves to the Twitter and the Facebook and the CNN Live Feed waiting to see which elderly, white, possibly closeted homosexual, would appear on the balcony? Did we have a rooting interest or something? Makes no sense.

The second thing I'd like to understand is why the Catholics are trying to ruin this blog. What am I supposed to carp about now that they have elected a nonEuropean pope who is using a brand new Papal name, a name that references a guy who was not especially evil. I mean I had a great "I can't believe he's calling himself Pius" post all written in my head and everything. Also, unlike Ratzinger who looked like Palpatine's more evil twin, this fellow has a somewhat genial expression so good luck finding funny photos. Hashmark grumble. 

Aside: Wonkette has dubbed Ratzinger "quitterPope" which, because God is awesome, will totally catch on.  

Double Aside: Thanks to the new guy being from Beunos Aeres I suppose we could do something on the ratline and how the Vatican did more to save Nazis and Wannabe Nazis then it did to save Jews, but Pontiff Frank was like eight years old when that was going on. Blaming him for that would be like blaming the Weathermen on Barak Obama and we are not Sarah Palin or Tea Party whackjobs here.

Finally, the third thing I'd like to know is when did the Catholics go all communist? Here's something the new guy said, as per Wonkette who ripped it off from the National Catholic Reporter:

“We live in the most unequal part of the world, which has grown the most yet reduced misery the least,” Bergoglio said during a gathering of Latin American bishops in 2007. “The unjust distribution of goods persists, creating a situation of social sin that cries out to Heaven and limits the possibilities of a fuller life for so many of our brothers.”

Also, Rabbi Fink deposited the following quote on our FB:

"In our ecclesiastical region there are priests who don't baptize the children of single mothers because they weren't conceived in the sanctity of marriage," Bergoglio told his priests. "These are today's hypocrites. Those who clericalize the Church. Those who separate the people of God from salvation. And this poor girl who, rather than returning the child to sender, had the courage to carry it into the world, must wander from parish to parish so that it's baptized!" 

Bergoglio compared this concept of Catholicism to the Pharisees of Christ's time: people who congratulate themselves while condemning others.

OK, using Pharisee as a pejorative isn't exactly music to a Jew's ears but the other stuff is fine. (Unless you are a Right Winger who hates poor people in which case: suck it)

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Habemus Papam!

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Hope its a black guy. Seeing RW heads explode makes me giggle.

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What was your Emperor's New Clothes moment?

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But he has nothing on...

For some, Avi Shafran's new blog might be considered an Emperor's New Clothes moment. After all, he had been the Jewish world's chief demonizer of blogs and bloggers and now he's become one himself. So much for the complaints and teeth gnashing.  Like the cheers of the spectators who admired their stark naked leader in the Hans Christian Anderson tale, Avi's anti-blog grumbling seems to have been rooted in something other than reality. When he next goes to war against someone or something, will we be able to trust him?

"Sneering cynicism. Self-glorification in the guise of advocacy. Ostentatious observance cloaking rank jealousy. “Democracy” in the pursuit of evil ends. Haughtiness pretending to the selfless pursuit of justice and truth. What do all those things bring to mind?... Much of the “Orthodox Jewish” blogosphere. - Korach@ blogspot.com by Avi Shafran, June 26, 2012

For others, the Orthodox Union's Pesach ban on quinoa, a Peruvian berry, might have been an ENC moment. Silly us for thinking kashrus is determined by the consistant application of clear rules. Silly us for thinking (because that's what we were told) that kitniyus is a non-grain item that once upon a time was routinely mixed with grains. Now it turns out that kitniyus is whatever the man with the kosher stamp says it is. And try not to laugh too loudly at the alleged reason* as you shop this year for Pesach approved noodles, crackers and cookies.

* “[we] can’t certify quinoa because it looks like a grain and people might get confused" - the OU as reported by @azigra

My first ENC moment came several years ago when the leadership pronounced its ban on Natan Slifkin. Nothing in his books was new. All of it was based on, or copied from (with proper cites) our Rishonim. The fact that they banned him anyway suggested the leadership didn't know this or, more likely, didn't care. Matters were made worse when we found out that the Rabbis who signed the ban hadn't even read his books, and that the ban itself had been engineered by a pair of common criminals. Like the crowds in the Anderson story, I'd previously clapped and cheered and even sought to justify whatever our emperors said and did. After Slifkin, they no longer had my trust when it came to matters of policy because I could no longer be certain of their motives or of their process.

Want to hear irony? I've been among RNS's #1 supporters, and his no holds barred, smash the shiboleths approach to rabinincs has been a model for some of my own blogging. Yet, as per the blog scuttlebutt, he capital "H" hates me.* No good deed goes unpunished and choose your intellectual exemplars carefully, I guess. 

* We misspoke. He does not hate me, and has written to tell me this. Apologies.

Ok, enough about me. What was your ENC moment?


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Great Moments in Wig Marketing

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From the current Mishpacha

This is a wonderful development, by the way. For ages, scolds have complained that certain wigs make Jewish women look like hookers.*

* In fact, as Tesyaa reminds us, back in 2007 someone was selling a wig called The Pretty Woman that s/he claimed was "inspired by the motion picture" which was, of course, the story of a prostitute.

Well, those days are over. With a Madam on her head,  she can look like she runs the brothel instead.

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Let's send Ratzinger off in style

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Quite by accident I stumbled across a post from 2006 (AKA back when no one read this blog) in which I put my finger directly on the modern church's greatest sin: Holocaust usurpation.

Here's what Ratzinger said at Auschwitz-Birkenau on May 28, 2006

"By destroying Israel, by the Shoah, they ultimately wanted to tear up the taproot of the Christian faith and to replace it with a faith of their own invention: faith in the rule of man, the rule of the powerful"

So in case you were unsure, the Holocaust was all about them. To drive home this point,. the Pope greeted 32 Auschwitz survivors after his speech. 31 of them were Polish Catholics. Also: Remember Edith Stein


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Quinoa on Pesach 2.0

By @azigra 

Two years ago I wrote about and predicted the inevitable future of quinoa as a non kosher for Passover food item:

.................Quinoa becomes a popular food in the 1970s as people look for healthy foods -> Jews question the halachic status of Quinoa on Pesach as kitniyos -> R. Moshe Feinstein permits the consumption of Quinoa on Pesach -> The Eida HaCharedis prohibits the consumption of Quinoa on Pesach -> Jews remain divided on Quinoa’s halachic status -> Rabbis place bans on quinoa in Jewish weekly’s stating that quinoa production has changed since the Igros Moshe was published -> Hotels advertise their kitchen as glatt kosher and quinoa free -> Jews choose hotels based on the shechita and quinoa use of the caterer -> Non-Haimish Jews who stay home for Pesach burn their Quinoa -> Shidduchim are broken based on gebrochts and quinoa -> Most Jews do not consume Quinoa on Pesach, it is only the more modern elements that still pretend it’s permissible -> It is assur gamur to consume Quinoa on Pesach -> Jews who eat Quinoa on Pesach are chayiv Kares and are basically seeking to destroy Judaism as it has been know since the times of the Tanaim, Amoraim, and Achronim, who all knew that quinoa was assur and didn’t eat it on Pesach  

see original post here for additional notes.

When I wrote this, only the Eida HaCharedis, a fanatical Hasidic faction,  prohibited this item, however, today the Forward reports that as of this year the Orthodox Union will no longer certify quinoa as kosher for Passover:

The Orthodox Union announced last year that it would not certify quinoa as kosher for Passover out of concern that quinoa falls into the category of kitniyot, a group of legumes forbidden because they look similar to grains proscribed on the holiday.

However: 

Star-K, a rival kosher certification company based in Baltimore, has been certifying quinoa as Passover-friendly for years and dismisses what it sees as an outlandish prohibition.

As of now the reason provided by the OU is that  “[they] can’t certify quinoa because it looks like a grain and people might get confused” otherwise known as Ma'aris Ayin, the same reason why many people dont serve non dairy ice cream at meat centric meals. 

This of course means that any hotel that is under the OU will not be serving quinoa this year. A new generation of Jews will grow up under this prohibition, confusing fact with fiction. As Orthodoxy moves to the right, the Star-K will be forced to prohibit quinoa as well or risk losing their validity as a legitimate kashrut organization in the face of an ever right moving world.  

In several generations there will be no working memory of a time when people did eat quinoa.

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Another RW unicorn spotted!! Evil Barry and his State Department are mean to a Muslim (who totally deserved it)

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We get to tick off lots of boxes with this little story, so pay attention:

Samira Ibrahim was scheduled to receive an award yesterday from First Lady Michelle Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry honoring her as one of the "International Women of Courage". But that was before the State Department became aware of a number of tweets that Ibrahim had sent out endorsing Hitler quotes and celebrating the deaths of Israeli tourists. Now her award has been "delayed" as State Department officials look into the source of the tweets (which Ibrahim had been claiming weren't hers). 

Ibrahim, an activist on behalf of Palestinians, was to receive the award for her work in Egypt speaking out against gender-based violence. Her State Department biography identifies her as one of the seven women subjected to "virginity tests" during the protests in Tahrir Square that eventually lead to the ousting of President Hosni Mubarak. 

Originally Ibrahim said the tweets were not hers and that her twitter had been hacked. After an attack on Israeli tourists in Bulgaria, Ibrahim tweeted, "Oh Wowwww this eases off the day today very nice very nice news." She also tweeted that the Saudi royal family was "dirtier than the Jews." 

She seems to have backed off her claims that her Twitter account was hacked. In response to the delay of her honor, Ibrahim tweeted, "I refused to apologize to the Zionist lobby in America on the previous statements hostile to Zionism under pressure from the American government, so the prize was withdrawn."

So what do we got here?

• Obama and his state department opposing antisemitism? Check!
• Obama and his state department opposing Arab. Muslim, Palestinian antisemitism? Check!
• The mainstream media reporting on Obama and his state department opposing Arab. Muslim, Palestinian antisemitism? Check!

It's not so often we see so many things the GOP Jews claim "never happen" get crammed into one, single story.

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Burn your challah at the gas station for double extra mitzvah points

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I think I am going to set up a bunch of bird nests in my backyard and charge stupid people for the privilege for chasing away the mother birds "under the supervision" of some big rabbi. Or maybe I will locate an authentic Egyptian or Edomite and let the dummies pay me for the chance to not abhor them. And of course, I'll pass all the profits on to tzedaka, so no one criticizes me (Sending my son to yeshiva is a tzedaka, btw. Look it up)

Two new ads in the local Orthodox birdcage liner suggest there is a real market for this sort of thing:

Let's document the atrocities...  (Vocabulary first: Here challah is the portion of dough that the Torah tells us to give to a priest, not the braided loaf nor the witch with the braids who, likely, gave the braided loaf its name. Nowadays, instead of giving the dough to a priest we dispose of it, usually via burning)

(1) You can burn challah right in your very own oven. Our wives and mothers have been doing this for centuries. It's pretty simple: You just say a blessing and set it on fire. Nothing else.
Pro tip: If you don't want to set it on fire, you can also double wrap the challah, and toss it in the trash. That's perfectly okay.

(2) The ads seem silent on this point, but many home bakers never need to separate challah. The ritual isn't performed at all unless you're using at least 2.6 POUNDS of flour (enough for almost three loafs) No blessing is said unless you are using almost 5 POUNDS of flour (five huge loafs) (Chabadniks say the blessing when they use more than 3.6 POUNDS)

(3) Scare Tactics! If you make any mistakes with challah your kids will "stray from the ways of Torah" The second ad pretty much promises this is true! And what's the source? Check out the cite: "as stated in text". Which text? Never mind! Challah bakers shouldn't be studying Torah anyway! (We're kidding: Obviously, the ads author is referring to the text he reproduced in the ad; however its mistranslated. The text in the ad says your kids will go bad if you fail to correctly burn the challah, and it gets eaten by a non-kosher animal)

Unfortunately if this catches on, we'll have a new way to exclude perfectly pious and God fearing Jews:  "What? You don't burn your challah at the gas station? You do it yourself, in your house? I don't think our kids should be friends, plus I am not no longer confident in your kashrus."

Don't roll your eyes, either. This happens.


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Advisory: Reading this post may cost you some brain cells

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@azigra showed us this fun excerpt on the Twitter. It comes from All I Need to Know I Learned In Yeshiva, by Yaakov Wolfson. According to @azigra the whole book is like this.

But the very fact that the generations before us did a particular thing is sufficient proof that there is a just and valid reason or our doing so. 

[Insert exploding head here]

I will award 1,000 DovBear dollars to the author of the best rebuttal to this bit of idiocy. (And 10,000 DovBear dollars to the one who can successfully defend it.)

Standard boiler plate rebuttal. I do not hate Jews and Judaism. Quite the contrary: I love Jews and Judaism which is why I am so eager to root out the idiocy, superstition, bad arguments, and dumb doctrines. If I hated Judaism I'd ignore or encourage this nonsense instead of dedicating a whole blog post to undermining it.

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Comment of the Day: Marksofla replies to me and to New York Times Op Ed Writer David Brooks

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Marksofla writes:

While I think the article/oped is rather lacking and is way too superficial, I have a few comments (as well as a few criticisms of your criticism).

David Brooks has Published a Terrible and Deceptive Article about Brooklyn Orthodox Jews

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I'm not the brightest guy, so I tend to rely on paid smarties like New York Times Op Ed Columnist David Brooks to explain things. Unfortunately, his new column on the Orthodox Jews of Faltbush has me reconsidering the wisdom of that approach. There are school children better equipted to write for the New York Times about Orthodox Judaism. If Brooks is as much of a lightweight on other subjects as he is on this one, we who read the Times and have trusted his reporting, may have grounds for a malpractice suit.

Fisking after the jump:

George's trip to Israel

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Blast from the past... During his (only) trip to Israel which took place at the tail end of his failed presidency George "Best Friend of Israel" called on Israel to "end the occupation" after making a negative remark about checkpoints during a visit to Rammalah. Remember?

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/22587081/#.UTkiVaKPCtM

Bush calls for end of ‘occupation’ of Arab lands

www.nbcnews.com

President Bush called for a halt to Israel's military occupation of land the Palestinians claim for a state and an end to the terrorist threat over the Jewish homeland.

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Great moments in hasbarah

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Let's have a round of diaspora applause for the supporters of  Beitar Jerusalem, the popular Israel soccer team! Their wonderful hasbrah efforts continue to impress! Here's the latest success story:

DeadSpin: Bigoted Israeli Soccer Fans Walk Out After Muslim Player Scores For Their Team

These soccer fans, of course, are the same darlings featured last year on an ESPN report that included footage of Beitar fans screaming racist insults at Arab players and using "Death to Arabs" as a celebration chant.   

On the ESPN report, some of the Beitar fans try to justify their behavior. They say that they have every right to hate Arabs. Arabs are at war with Israel. Arabs blow up buses. They've earned our animosity. (Some of my Facebook frenimies take the same position) 

OK, but pay attention: The guy who scored the goal that sent Beitar fans scurrying from the stadium is not an Arab. Remember? And the Arab players they terrorize with insults and attacks aren't at war with anyone. They are co-citizens, trying to earn a living. In most cases, they have zero in common with the diabolical, war-mongering Arabs. So why should they be subjected to your abuse? Why should they be lumped together with the worst representatives of their community?  And how can anyone claim that abusing innocent people on the basis on their ethnicity isn't racism?

More importantly, why don't the non-crazy Israelis recognize this for what it is, ie, blatant racism. Why don't the non-crazies boycott Beitar and their sponsors? Why haven't the vocal racists (you can see them on ESPN. They aren't hiding.) suffered any social consequences? Why does Israel put up with this crap?

And why do my Israeli frenemies keep acting so hurt and surprised whenever we say that Israel, too often, disappoints us? 

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Thanks, Avi, for the counter-example

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This week's Avi is a warm and tender tribute to Yosef Friedenson, an Agudath Israel employee who, we learn from Avi's article, was responsible for an Aggudah publication called Dos Yiddishe Vort. It's quite a nice piece. When he's not writing about Reform rabbis or pilot heroes, or bloggers,  Avi can be thoughtful, gentle and complimentary.

One of Avi's main beefs about bloggers is that they are often anonymous, and that anonymity breeds discord, nastiness, and opportunities to articulate ideas that haven't been pre-approved by Ingsoc. But guess what? R' Friedenson himself was an anono blogger (sort of/not really but keep reading):

During his final years, Reb Yosef did much of the writing for Dos Yiddishe Vort himself, often under pseudonyms that were transparent to most everyone who read the publication. (No one cared; his own recollections and writings were deeply appreciated by readers.)

First off, thanks, Avi, for the counter-example!! Apparently you can write important things absent your real name without also being a menace to society! Good to know!  But, still, what a strange set of sentences! If the pseudonyms were "transparent" why bother with them. And catch that parenthetical: "No one cared?" (a) how does he know; and (b) why is the baseline assumption that someone would care?  

If I check an author's name, its for one of two reasons and two reasons only: (a) I'm lazy or short on time and I want to see if the article or book is by someone I know before I commit to it; or (b) I like what I've read, and I'd like to know who gets the credit for entertaining or educating me. 

I can think of no other reason to care about a writer's real identity, but then I don't work for Big Brother.

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Update on the non-racist, totally desegregated Arab-only buses

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Though some of you wanted us to believe that the Palestinians were overjoyed at the chance to ride to work on Arab-only buses, some Palestinians apparently saw the matter differently. Yesterday, two of the buses were set on fire during the morning commute. 

Now, I am going to say again that I reject this act of violence and property destruction. The arsonists were wrong. They should be arrested and prosecuted. Please read and re-read and read again.

But here comes the "however." Are you ready?

HOWEVER, the new bus lines are racist. Here's why: (1)  Palestinians are discouraged from riding on the mixed lines with Israelis (see here PP#2); and (2) because they were originally set up after Jewish settlers made a racist complaint, on the order of "riding with Arabs creates a security risk" (see it here PP#5); and (3) because the existence of separate lines encourages intolerance by reinforcing the idea that Arabs are dangerous and/or that Arabs and Israelis can't get along and shouldn't do things together.

The non racist way to address a real or perceived security risk is to put more security personal on buses or to employ metal detectors, dogs, and so on. Solving the problem by imposing rules and restrictions on every single Arab is the very definition of racism, because you're judging an entire community on the basis of its worst members. No two ways about it.

Now, the right way to fight racism is through education and non-violent protest. The bus burners were wrong. They must be arrested and tried. Instead of arson, they should have organized boycotts of the Arab buses or sit-ins on the Israeli buses. But from day one  the Palestinians have always, always, always gotten this wrong. With them, its always been too much Malcolm and not nearly enough Martin.

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