Stewart

The olam is advised that TDS was much the funny last night.

Note to Ezzie and CWY: I'll advise you both to skip this one. You won't find it funny, and your subsequent complaints will just make us feel sorry for you.

How many died during darkness?

Lots of people quote as inarguable fact the Midrash which says that 20 80 percent of the Jewish people were killed during the plauge of darkness. The Ibn Ezra has something important to say to them:

This is a lone opinion, which is debated, and is not at all a received tradition [which would be binding]. We already have been given enough grief by the Moslem scholars, who say: "How is it possible that fifty-five men who went down to Egypt [with Yaakov] could be the ancestors, over 210 years, of 600,000 men over the age of twenty?"...In [every] plague that consumed Egypt, the Jews were spared. Most of the Egyptians' cattle died during dever (the plague of cattle-disease), while not one of the Jews' cattle died (Shemot 9:6). In the Plague of the Firstborn, not a single Jew died. In the Plague of Darkness, it says, "There was light for all the Jews" (Shemot 10:23). In the plagues in which Egyptians died, Jews did not die. So in a plague (darkness) in which no Egyptian died, how could Jews die? [Besides, that would mean] the Jews did not have light in their homes, but the darkness of disease and the pitch-black of death! Since only a tiny part was left from a huge nation, this would not have been redemption for the Jews but a sick evil! That's the opposite of the text. The whole thing is a derash; don't rely on it. Maybe the one who said it at the outset had a hidden reason.

And now you see why the Ibn Ezra is no longer taught in most Yeshivas.

Be veh-wee veh-wee qwiet...

Be veh-wee veh-wee qwiet...we're hunting rich lawyers.

Do I have this straight?

The Vice President of the United States (accidentally) shot a spetugenarian in the face, landing him in the intensive-care unit, and the (so called liberal) media is cheerfully reporting that the poor guy was only "sprayed" or "peppered" with birdshot? And let's not forget the 18-hour news balackout of the event? Had Cheney killed the guy would we have heard about it at all? Ye gods.

Maybe if Cheney had served in Vietnam he would have learned how to handle a firearm.

The word from my Local Hasidic Rabbi

In a moment of nerve, or perhaps bravery, I recently asked my local hasidic Rabbi the following question, "Why is your liturgy (ie: Nusach Sefard) such a mess? The grammar, in places, is rediculous, and you have brackets all over the place. What's up with that"

To my surprise he gave an excellent answer (I can't write the way that he speaks, so nothing that follows is verbatum):

"There is no one Nusach Sefard," he said. "At the begining of the Hasidic Movement, each Rebbe interpreted the liturgy (ie: the Nusach Ari) in his own way, with his own gloss, and produced his own nusach. Each was a little different from the other. Years later, when the siddur was printed, the editor tried to combine all the different variations. The result was the mess we have today. However, any Hassid who davens with a mesorah knows what to say, and what not to say. He uses the printed siddur only as a guide. Anyone who just says everything thats printed there doesn't really know what he's doing."

He continued:

"And you know what else is interesting? Every Rebbe has a ruling which claims that his way of davening is the right way. Lubovitch, Satmar, whoever. They all argue that their way is right to the exclusion of all others, and that you can switch in to their way of praying, but you can't switch out. [DB: Rav Moshe has a famous ruling about Nusach Ashkenaz in which he says the same thing.]"

"It's amazing," my LHR concluded,"how their objectivity just disappears."

What I think about on the way to shul...

* Can I put my JIBs on a resume?
* Does Mis-nagid wear a hat?
* Will Robbie ever settle down with Mr. Right?
* Is Toby Katz for real? Or is she a clever and devious parody of Ann Coulter?
* Do the Babbits of the Five Towns know they have a leftie in their midst?
* When GH writes his book, will he mention me in the acknowledgments?
* Have I taught Ezzie anything?
* Where in the word is SurahMalka?
* How much longer can I keep blogging?

Stop the presses!!

Apparently, Yaakov Mencken has distributed a press release to all the major newspapers, announcing that his blog, (you know, the one about the Cross) performed well in the JIBs.

According to the JIB polling pages, perhaps 1500 votes were cast in the Best Overall catagory. If we assume that most people voted two or even three times over the course of the contest, perhaps 650 people participated. Does Yaakov Mencken really expect the newspapers to be interested in such a small contest? And will he scream media bias when his accomplishment is ignored by the AP, the New York Times, and the Wall Street Journal? (Hint: Of course, he will.)

Also, of note, is the way in which Yaakov's press release frames his accomplishment:

Countering portrayals of the Orthodox as technological Luddites who have banned the Internet..

Um, you mean it's not true that Lakewood banned the Internet? That's just a media fabrication, something the mean old anti-orthodox papers invented? And real nice touch, criticizing the media in a press release which begs for media attention. Ladies and genetlemen, we call that chutzpah.

...Cross-Currents, sponsored by the Jewish outreach organization Project Genesis, won the gold as both the Best Group Blog and Best Designed, while finishing second only to the Jerusalem Post’s own Dry Bones cartoon in the Best Overall category.

Oooh. More chutzpah! Not only does Yaakov trash the media in the release's opening sentance, he also trashes the award sponsors by suggesting they assisted their "own Dry Bones cartoon." And in case you think he isn't really accusing the Post of cheating, here's what he said in the post itself:

Now in Overall, I’ll admit to being surprised. At the close of balloting we were over 30 votes ahead of Dry Bones, and 15 ahead of Gil. The “certified” results indicate that enough votes were denied by the JPost to give the JPost’s own Dry Bones the title. Hmm. Now I’ll ask fellow bloggers and commenters to recall that the last time I said something was funny, I wasn’t being paranoid,

Unreal. Only at Cross Currents. [Update: Now he's claiming his swipe at the contest was just a joke. Uh huh. A joke.] And the release continues :

The ten contributing writers at Cross-Currents represent a broad diversity of views, dismantling the stereotype of the Orthodox as single-minded with every internal debate

More jokes! Broad diveristy of views? Hahahaha! Everyone who reads Cross Currents knows that the blog is almost nothing but boiled over GOP talking points, with Shira Schmidt and Rabbi Feldman thrown in for cover, and Toby Katz around for comic relief with her shrill and offensive Ann Coulter routine. Who does he think he's fooling by claiming to represent diversity? Unreal.

More stupid hall of fame business

Today we induct a new class to my Hall of Fame, to go along with yesterday's charter class, a class which was made up of bloggers who I read regularly before I started blogging my own. Introducing the...

Chessed Ne'urayich Class: The bloggers and commenters who helped me with links and comments and chizuk when I was young.

Jack
Esther
Baynonim
Z
Protocols

Some of the charter class belong in the chessed ne'urayich class, and vice versa. Detailed mathmatical calculations were used to determine who went where, and though I have no plans to share those calculations with you, I assure you they make perfect sense.

Sometime next week, I plan to induct the Summer of Love Class (The commenters who made this blog rock during the Summer of 2005) but I don't want to leave anyone out, so I am depending on you for nominations and reminders.

Foot in mouth disease

CJ Heretic writes

Apparently Lt. Governor Oreo Cookie, [DB: ie: Lt. Gov. Michael S. Steele of Maryland] who is going to be the GOP candidate for Senator from Maryland just put his foot into his oral orifice by comparing stem cell research with the work of the good Dr. Mengele. Before a Jewish audience. Someone needs to enlighten the Christian fundies that the Jews, even the Jewish fundies, have a different take on fetuses than they do.

What the Lt. Gov said was this: "You of all folks know what happens when people decide they want to experiment on human beings, when they want to take your life and use it as a tool."

Sure, because, as we all know, life saving research using stem cells is exactly the same thing as sadistic inflictions of pain on adult prisoners. Killing people, experimenting with cells - all the same, am I right?

Now, it gets serious

I was only kidding around earlier this week when, in a flash of unrivaled arrogance, I created DovBear's Hall of Fame, and foolishly tried to list every single commenter in creation.

Now, however, an enterprising young man has gone and created a sidebar badge (left) so I guess it's official: I have a Hall of Fame.

Cool.

Ok, first order of business, I suppose, is to initiate a charter class. Should I select blogs that are worthy (like Hirhurim) blogs that might pay me for the privilege (like Ezzie) or blogs that might actually put the badge on their blogs (like GodolHador)?

Okay. Got it. Here's what we'll do:

Today, I am going to name a charter class. All of the members of this first class meet the following conditions:

(1) They are older than me
(2) They have been good to DovBear
(3) They make a good read
(4) They are not Robbie.

In the far-off future, when I can't think of anything to blog about, I'll name some new members, for any reason I choose. But here's the key and very important thing: If you ever get named to the Hall and you don't put the badge on your blog (or pay me) I will feed you to Toby Katz ritually expel you from the Hall in a gothic ceremony involving bonfires, animal sacrifice, and branding irons. Ok? Good.

In the name of the blog, I am pleased to introduce the first inductees into the DovBear Hall of Fame:

ChayyeiSarah (token girl)
Hirhurim (token nerd)
Velveteen Rabbi (token irreligious Jew)
Psychotoddler (token bass player)
MoChassid (token Hassid. [Admit it Mo: This is better than getting honored by Ohel, right?])
Burry Katz (token lunatic)
Mis-Nagid (token atheist)
BlogHd (token father/daughter team)
RenReb (token RenReb)

Congratulations!

Thank you. Thank you all very much.

The JIB counting has finally finished, and we're very pleased to announce that, with your help, DovBear has medaled in three events:

Culture: Bronze
Politics: Bronze
Post: Bronze

I am also declaring victory in Religion, where I came in fourth behind Hirhurim, Cross Currents and Lazer Beams, despite the fact that I am not really a religious blog. (But, then again, neither is Cross Currents. so ::shrug::)

Ok, now all I need is a a soaring yet chauvanistic anthem and a uniform designed by Reebock for the medal ceremony.

[Thanks to Aussie Dave for organizing this little popularity contest.]

On the riots

It needs to be said that the UO Jews who are inveighing against the barbarism now on display in the Muslim world have identified the wrong culprit.

The trouble isn’t that the rioters are Arabs or Muslim, but that they are benighted primitives, who are unacquainted with the gifts of the enlightenment.

It’s instructive to remember that all of Europe once behaved as they behave today in Pakistan and Indonesia. That changed only after the ideas of the enlightenment took hold and Christians became more skeptical toward their old religion. If Islam is going to be cured of barbarism Muslims, too, must embrace skepticism. They must become modern.

Meanwhile, the UO Jews who condemn the certainties of Islam, while simultaneously rejecting the skepticism of other Jews are playing a dangerous game. They forget that when they dismiss “modernity” they are also dismissing the only known tonic for the sort of barbarism that once engulfed Europe and threatens to engulf us again.

PSA from Mar Gavriel

Mar Gavriel writes:

A few weeks ago, the president of the Old Broadway Synagogue told me that if I could somehow procure sifrei nevi'im on qelof for the schul, he would let me leyn haftorôth out of them. Mind you, though, the Old Broadway Synagogue is an ailing old schul, just barely holding on to itself, and it certainly does not have enough money to buy sifrei nevi'im.... Please tell me of any institutions in New York that own qelofin of sifrei nevi'im. I recognize that my dream of owning sifrei nevi'im (and kethuvim, and Torah) will not be fulfilled in the near future-- though it will אי"ה be fulfilled eventually, for I will write them myself. However, with a little help from you internet personalities, I hope very soon to fulfill my dream of regularly leyning haftorôth (and, when relevant, meghillôth) from full qelofin.

If you have any idea what he is talking about, and would like to help please respond directly to the Mar, himself, at margavriel@yahoo.com.

Note: It appears Mar Gavriel wishes to read the haftarot from a klaf in shul, and would like to either do it in your shul, or in his shul using klafin which he is hoping you can supply. But you'll have to ask him to be sure.

Today's "Well articulated Torah perspective on the events of the day."

Toby Katz: "Arabs are brutal insane murderers whose mothers have nachas when their kids grow up to be terrorists, and Jews and Arabs are very, very different."

Wow.

Over at Cross Currents, Shaw Landres let her have it:

"How is this statement – or the thinking behind it – acceptable by anyone, at any time, whether on Cross-Currents or elsewhere? I trust that the other moderators of Cross-Currents will act quickly to condemn this statement. Otherwise Cross-Currents cannot call itself a Jewish religion blog – at best it will be a Jewish version of the Kevin MacDonald approach vis-a-vis Jews, and at worst it will be just another ethnocentric (racist?) blog."

To which we can only say: hear, hear.

The long awaited Alito post

Ok, here's the scoop on the Alito confirmation. I think it's swell. I think it sucks. And, I don't care. Here's why:

I think it's swell: Confirming Alito brings us closer to the wonderful day when Roe is overturned. What's that you say? Why does DovBear, celebrity uber-Liberal, with to see the end of Roe? Simple. If Roe goes, the GOP goes with it. Because when Roe goes all the nice, sensible, smart Republicans will (finally!) need to choose between (a) following their conscious or (b) following the preachers and pig farmers who wish for the state to insert itself between a woman, her God and her doctor.

My money says people like McCain and Graham tell the pig farmers to go to hell, and I bet many more Republicans will do the same once they aquaint themselves with the poll data which says a majority of Americans support a woman’s right to a legal abortion.

I think it sucks: Can we be blunt? Alito is a pansy. If you review his career one theme continues to assert itself: the "man" never says no to power. Banks, politicians, corporations - whatever: Alito almost always bends over for the big guys. And, sooner or later, we expect the biggest guy of all to come before the Supreme Court. Sooner or later the Court is going to be asked to rule on extraordinary rendition, torture, wiretapping, detentions and all the other juicy special powers Lord George has claimed for himself. Does Alito have it in him to say to a king: "Ha'rozachta v'gam yorashta?!" Doubtful. Very doubtful.

I don't care: The president is permitted to nominate anyone he likes to the Court, and the Senate is allowed to confirm or reject for any reason. By my lights the president could nominate his pet puppy (which he, in fact, one did) and the Senate, if it chooses, can confirm. That's how it works in America. That's our system, with impeachment our only recourse.

Sauce for the goose.

Moishe Q. Public [another great commenter who was inadvertently omitted from my stupid list] shows us why the Islamofascist are a bunch of hypocrites.

(Ever wonder what Europe was like before the Enlightenment? Hint: a heck of a whole lot like any of those Islam-crazy places. Seriously.)

Little Wolf [another great commenter who was inadvertently omitted from my stupid list] shows us why the Islamofascists are a bunch of evil, humorless bastards.

Great Moments in Marketing

Onan Condos. [Warning: Link takes you to Robbie's site.]

Other great moments in marketing

Congratulations CJ Heretic!!

I was bound to leave someone off my list of candidate members for "DovBear's Hall of Fame: Commenter Division," I'm just sorry it was CJ-Heretic, who deserves a spot at the top of the list. Sorry, dude.

Update:
Whoops, forgot Robbie, too.

Anyone else?

And can we get a vote together on who the top 3-5 commenters are?