At a recent shabbos table, I heard a story about a parent in a local yeshiva that was solicited a donation and agreed to give it in exchange for a commitment that his child would be granted a particular school-related benefit. Money was given and sure enough the child received the benefit in question. Quid pro quo.
First I was shocked. "Lo sakiru panim bamishpat, k’katon k’gadol tishmi’un!" I thundered. Then I thought "why am I being such a self-righteous fudidud? Shuls sell aliyas, Daniel Lapin sells degrees, so why should school be any different? And this could solve the tuition crisis I have been reading so much about." And then I thought, "all this thinking is making me tired," so I went back to sleep.
So here is my proposed price list for Yeshivas Kesef Daniel D'Five Towns and Far Rockaway for Boys:
Shabbat Ima...$18
Shabbat Abba...$180
Having your kids' bullies kicked out of school...$200
Having your kids' bullies kicked out of school and their fathers' books banned...$250
Looking the other way while your kid bullies others...$275
A coterie of adoring best friends...$300
Answers to the tests...$325
Right answers to the tests...$350
Playdates with the kid in the class whose parents have the pool...$375 Sleepovers with the kid in the class with the older sister...$400 "Unfortunate misunderstanding" involving said older sister...extra $50
Did I miss anything?