A new way to deal with Midrashic literalists

Old Way

Midrashic Literalist: So we know that during the darkness plague 80 percent of the Jews were slaughtered by God.
DB: Um... we know?
ML: Yes, we KNOW. It says so right here in Rashi, (Exodus 13:18) and he's quoting a Midrash, so it's TRUE.
DB: Are you sure?
ML: YES!
DB: Well, that's somewhat puzzling isn't it? After all no mention of this massacre is mentioned in the verse. Wouldn't we expect God to tell us that he murdered 80 percent of the Jewish people? Also, the Exodus is described as a moment of supreme joy. Could that be true, if every family was sitting shiva? What you're insisting on is actually a holocaust, not an Exodus.
ML: Hmmmmm.....
DB: Also, if you look at the math, how did we get from 70 original Jews to 5 * 600,000 people plus women, plus children, plus men older than 60 and younger than 20?
ML: Well, they had six kids per pregnancy...
DB: Even so, each woman would need to have like 60 kids, so that means for 210 years every single slavewoman had 10 sets of septuplets?
ML: Hey.......are you some kind of KOFER?
DB: No....
ML: I mean JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO DISAGREE WITH RASHI!??!
DB: Um...
ML: Don't you think he was aware of all your "questions?"
DB: Um...
ML: And anyway Rashi had RUACH HAKODESH so what he said was TRUE and HOW DARE YOU QUESTION IT.
DB: Well....
ML: You're just a LIBERAL who feels the NEED to question everything. Can't God do anything? Can't he kill 80 percent of the Jews if he feels like? Huh? Can't he? What's with you? Every time the Torah says something that doesn't fit into your narrow, human conception of how things are supposed to be you think you can ask questions?

- Fin -

New Way

Midrashic Literalist: So we know that during the darkness plague 80 percent of the Jews were slaughtered by God.
DB: Um... we know?
ML: Yes, we KNOW. It says so right here in Rashi, (Exodus 13:18) and he's quoting a Midrash, so it's TRUE.
DB: Are you sure?
ML: YES!
DB: Well that's odd, because it says right here in the Gemarah (Sanhedrin 111A) that God massacred over a billion Jews during the darkness plague?
ML: A billion?
DB: Why yes, a certain Rav Samai says that just as only 2 people of the original 600,000 survived to enter the land of Israel, only 2 of every 600,000 survived the slavery, so if you do the math...
ML: A billion?
DB: Yes.
ML: With a B?
DB: uh-huh
ML: Well that's... um... a billion? How can that be? It would mean... I mean... how did they get that many Jews in the first place?
DB: HEY! YOU'RE NOT SOME KIND OF KOFER ARE YOU?! Can't God do anything? Can't he kill several billion Jews in three days if he feels like? Huh? Can't he? What's with you? Every time the Torah says something that doesn't fit into your narrow, human conception of how things are supposed to be you think you can ask questions?

Notes
1 - This actually happened.
2 - Though Rashi's view is that Rav Simai means to say several billion Jews were killed during darkness, this isn't the only way to understand his statement. Perhaps Rav Samai is saying that just as only 2 people survived the desert (ie Kolev and Yehoshua), only 2 survived the slavery (Yocheved and Serach bat Asher, I presume, who, according to some (but by no means all) liver supernaturally long lives)
3 - As JS notes in the first comment, Rashi read of Rav Samai's statement to mean that just shy of 180 billion Jews died during darkness.