The Dead Yosef Scrolls

by Cousin Oliver

I have returned form an archeological dig in Egypt. I have found letters that prove the existence of Joseph, his brothers and father, and the Egyptian empire at that time. I call this find: "The Missing Joseph Letters". Here they are, translated, in their entirety.

Dear Dad,
Sorry I haven't written or tired to contact you. I've been in jail for a while and I used my one phone call to contact an attorney. Anyway, I am out of the joint now! Not only that, I am the second in command of all of Egypt! So this letter should get to you no problem. We are going to have 7 years of bounty then 7 years of starvation. We are stocking up here, you should too.
Love, Yosef

Dear Dad,
Well, we are starting year two of the plentiful years and I haven't heard from you. This time I am sending a courier. Tell Zevulin he can't have my stuff.
Love, Joe

Dear Pop,
Its been 2 years since I became ruler. Im not sure what is going on with the mail system. I sent you a courier last year, but never got a response. This year im sending homing pigeons.
Love, Yoyo

Dear Father,
What the hell. I hope you aren't dead or anything because I keep trying to get in touch with you and nothing. I would go myself, but I have a lot to look after here.
Love, Josef

Dear Dad,
Ok. I lied in my last correspondence. I could go myself but I just didn't want to. We are heading towards the last couple years of plentiful food. I wonder why you aren't writing back...
Love, Yippers

Dear Jack,
I swear, if my brothers are intercepting the mail I will kick their tribal tushes. I will send my entire Egyptian army up there to really tear some stuff up.
Joseph

Dad,
This is the last year to save food. I really hope you are doing it. I've tried everything to get in touch with you. I've sent pigeons, mail, riders, FedEx... Listen, call me. You can call collect, I will accept the charges.
Joe

Y,
Ok, the famine is on. I guess I'll see you sometime soon because I bet you are starving. How cool would it be IF YOU FREAKING RETURNED MY MESSAGES.
J

Or maybe I just was thinking if I, Cousin Oliver, were VICEROY OF EGYPT what I would do to get in touch with my family for so many years.