It's two days after Purim, and we still can't see my dining room table, which is sagging under the weight of approximately eight metric tons of miniature candy bars. My kids, of course, are in heaven. They spent the better part of yesterday dividing up the loot under the strict direction of my eldest daughter, who helpfully reminds the other kids of their likes and dislikes.
"Oh," she'll say to my unsuspecting 5-year old, "You HATE Supersnacks, and the last time you ate an Egozi you got hives. But remember how much you like pomegranate juice? And prune humantachen? You LOVE prune humantachen. Here. Take six. And just to keep things fair, these six chocolate bars are mine."
My wife, and I don't interrupt, of course, because we don't like prune humantachen, either. Let the five-year old have them.
In fact, as it turns out, most of the crap we collected (Oooze, RenReb calls it) isn't meant for human consumption: Sardines? Mangos? Mishpacha brand raisins? Mishpacha brand grape juice? I'm also no fan of most of the candy we get. Sour sticks, for instance, are sour, and sour is BAD. A candy that curls your toes and makes you eyes tear is not a treat. It is a sick joke.
Though most of what we received was quickly squirreled away by my kids, or dumped on my unsuspecting co-workers, I did grab a few items for my private enjoyment. The short list of things I really liked follows:
1 - A bottle of McCallum 18. You, who brought me this fine gift, are my new best friend. I confess to a mite of suspicion about what you might want in return, but we'll worry about that when the bottle is empty.
2 - The bottles of wine. We got about six. Nothing too fancy, or especially expensive, but not bat urine either.
3 - A round of Gouda cheese. It was gone within an hour, and it was fantastic.
4 - Deli roll, packed with a bottle of beer. In that house, obviously, the man is in charge of preparing the baskets. Woman take note: We don't like fancy baked goods. We like meat and beer. Well done, sir!
5 - The chocolate covered cherries. We also like chocolate covered cherries. And Jelly Rings.
6 - All hard candies. I love hard candies, especially the strawberry ones. If you ever find yourself in conversation with a man who might be me, check his pockets for sucking candies. If he's carrying, you might have me.