Don't be alarmed: Fruit stickers will soon be obsolete.

Thank god: Tattooed Fruit Is on Way, so you can all wave good-bye to those,"tiny stubborn stickers that have to be picked, scraped or yanked off produce."

And just in time, too. Becuase as the quote of the day, if not the year, found midway through this facinating piece of professional journalism, makes clear, fruit sticker are a horror worthy of the next summer blockbuster:

I was picking all the little stickers from the Piggly Wiggly off my plums and my avocado pears and my peaches," said Ms. [Jean] Lemeaux, 76. "Then I had to make fruit salad out of the ones that got hurt when I took the stickers off, and then I had to wash the glue off the other ones before I put them in the fruit bowl."

"One time," she said, "I got up the next morning and looked in the mirror and there were two of them up in my hair."

Ye gods. Where do reporters find these people? Are they tapping into a database of inept morons? Which government agency would be responsible for managing such a thing?

And how do I get access?