From the writings of A.P Kores*

(A long, time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . .)
The Book of Esther
Perek Aleph:

Old King Achashveirosh was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he. Ach, as his drinking buddies called him, was the son of Cyrus, XL, King of Persia. After blowing off his National Guard Service, Ach went to Harvard Business School where the heavy drinker, and recreational cocaine user could only manage a “C” average. Later, after discovering the non-Jewish Lord at the bottom of a beer bottle, Ach settled down and married Vashti, but was still given to occasional relapses. Ok, that's a lie: Ach was drunk 24/7.

Anyway, in the third year of his reign, Ach decided that instead of a holiday bonus, he'd throw a big party for all ministers and employees. Halfway through the first party, the king decided to throw a second party in honor of the first party. He also ordered his servants to give the guests everything they wanted. Since everyone was a guest, though, there were no servants. Old Ach was too buzzed to notice. As a result, things got pretty chaotic, which was common for Persian merrymaking. How did Persia come to dominate the world given that all Persians did was party all day? The Ibn Ezra insists this was a miracle. Answers the Ramban, "Jane, you ignorant slut!"

By the fifth day of the revelry, when the booze and vomit were flowing freely, Ach decided that he wanted his wife, Vashti, to put on a strip show for the guests. Vashti refused unless the men promised to put bills in her thong of denominations of at least $10 or more. She also demanded that Ach strip for woman at the hen party she was hosting. Oddly, it occured to no one that the party might be imporved it it was co-ed. The Ibn Ezra insists this was a miracle. Answers the Ramban, "Jane, you poor misguided scrag!"

Ach was furious at Vashti's demands. He sent a messanger to remind her that when they met, she was working Scores. She sent word back that he was a lousy tipper, and that now she wanted $20s. That did it for Ach: he flew into a rage, closed down the buffet and told everyone to get the hell out of his house. Unfortunately, the clean-up crew also left and Ach spent the rest of the night scrubbing vomit and guacamole stains out of his expensive Persian rugs. Vashti was pissed and forced Ach to sleep on the couch for the evening.

The next day Ach convened the Persian National Crisis Counsel to deal with the catastrophe. Memuchan, the most junior advisor, suggested that they impeach Vashti. By noon the next day, Vashti had agreed to resign the Queenancy. "You won't have Vashti to kick around anymore," she said as she climbed aboard her helicopter waving to the crowd with both hands over her head, and a smile on her face.

Afterwards, the king sent a letter to every man in his kingdom with his Top Ten Tips for Keeping Your Disrespectful Woman in Line. The king was terribly disapointed, however, when he realized that this meant writing over 30 million letters by hand. Ramban says the king whined about it nightly, saying, "Being King is hard work. Really hard work. Really, really hard work."

To be continued...

* ie: not me (though I edited it heavily.)