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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

THEY HAVE SHINY SHOE MUSIC, TOO

If you've been to the mall, and your eardrums are still bleeding from their terrible holiday music, here is the medicine you need.

Tomato Nation talks Holiday Music
But... what is with 'all of the other reindeer,' anyway? Your name is Blitzen, chump -- since when do you get to make fun of anyone else? And why didn't Santa put a stop to that? 'He's our meal ticket, you brats, so unless you all want to crash into the side of a mountain and end up bear kibble, let Rudy play Reindeeropoly, and that's an order.'

But 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer' - okay, here's the thing about that song. It's an awful song, the guy's voice is irritating, it's not that funny, but we got a ton of mileage out of that song teasing our own grandmother, because the first time we played it for her, I mean to tell you, OUTRAGE. She's fuming and spluttering about how it's disrespectful and not funny and think how we'd feel if we actually had to return her presents because she got trampled by venison; we're looking at each other like, 'Daaaaaamn,' and then just falling out laughing because she's FURIOUS, and the more we laugh, the angrier she gets, and the angrier she gets, the funnier we think it is, and my grandma's all 'WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST GO HOME AND SIT IN THE DARK IF THAT'S HOW YOU ALL FEEL ABOUT ME AROUND HERE' while my brother's in the kitchen making hoof-beat noises with a wooden salad bowl and yelling, 'Oh Graaaaandma, your riiiiiide's here,' and finally she had to start laughing herself, so she did, and then for years we'd say 'hey, Grandma, want to see something neat? It's on the roof, get your coat,' or pointing into the middle distance and shouting 'REINDEER ALERT' and diving to the floor while making air-raid-siren noises, or getting off the phone and informing her that that was Cupid and he said to tell her she's toast, and every time she'd be all, 'How does he know the numb-- oh, HATE!' and start giggling.