Money quotes (the rest of it sucks)
Jews, whose troubled, 10,000-year term as God's "chosen people" finally expired last night, woke up this morning to find that they had once again been hand-picked by the Almighty. Synagogues across the globe declared a day of mourning....Americans, meanwhile, expressed outrage at the decision, saying they had assumed they were God's chosen people. However, explained [the] Archbishop, "It only seems that way because so many people don't like you."