The matzo longing for its mate

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Several of us were confused this morning after reading All Grown Up and In Charge of the Seder a wonderful description of Seder nostalgia published in the Sunday Times by Jennifer Weiner.

She writes:

As a child, and as a young adult, I would savor the meal and collect memories — like, no matter where he was sitting, my brother Jake always ended up reading the portion of the Haggadah about bare breasts and the matzo longing for its mate

Having been teenage boys ourselves, we all knew where to find the passage about breasts --

and populous-- as it is stated:"I made you as numerous as the plants of the field. You grew and developed, becoming very attractive, your breasts firm and your hair grown long; but you were naked and bare."

-- but where does the haggadah say anything about a matzo longing for its mate?

Our Twitter pal Shlomo Kaye found the answer.

The excerpt above is from On Wings of Feedom: The Hillel Haggadah for the nights of Passover by Rabbi Richard N. Levy where this interesting recitation / meditation / kavanah is given for Yachatz. Its absent from Orthodox versions of the Haggadah, which explains why no one from my OJ set could place it.

Connecting the broken matzah to the verse from Songs is a clever bit of interpretation - note the verse's mention of reclining. and recall that the matzo is hid in the "place where [we] recline"  -  but whose interpretation is it? Is it something old that the Reform authors of this haggadah retained after Orthodoxy forgot it? Or is the interpretation an example of Reform creativity?

I went to Midrash Shir Hashirim first to see if any of Our Rabbis made this association, but came up empty. In that collection of interpretations, no one connects this verse to matzoh, or to Pesach reclining. 

Nonetheless, the idea of longing - for God, for redemption, for freedom - is not an idea that's foreign to Pesach or the Seder. 

In fact, the theme of longing - by which I mean a strong, persistent desire or craving - is one that runs through Shir Hashirim, the love poem that has been allegorized as the story of Israel's relationship with God. This allegorization is one reason why Shir Hashirim has become a Pesach text, second only to the Hagadah. 

I rather like the idea of picking up these delicate threads, however tenuously, at Yachatz. I like using the separated matzohs as a symbol for the break that exists between God and His people and for the mutual craving that followed. I like the idea of starting the Seder with the idea that we are separated from God, and the thought that the ritual meal will reunify us with Him. Orthodox Jews aren't taught to think about Yachatz this way. For us, this interpretation is revelatory. 

Framing Yachatz this way, also connects the separation of the matzo to the separation of the two Yom Kippur goats, and all that represents, and to the two birds that are brought to cure us of various forms of impurity. One piece of matzo, remains on the table while the other is hidden away. Likewise one goat remains in the Temple, while the other is sent into the wilderness and one bird is sacrificed as an olah, while the other becomes a chatas. Both the birds and the goats are considered "mates" to each other. 

Its a simple thing, imagining the matzo longing for its mate, but it unlocks so much excellent and powerful symbolism!

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Fire theodicy: Wallenstein

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As a community can we please resolve not to tolerate conclusions such as the one reached by Zecharia Wallenstein? He is the clown who allowed himself to be videotaped giving a religious explanation for the fire that killed 7 children.

His conclusions are too stupid and too convoluted to summarize in full, but briefly Wallenstein worships a monster God, and this monster God murdered seven innocent children in a specific way because He doesn't like it when we use the 18 minutes to finish our shabbos presentations. See it here

Now I want to be fair. I don't think Wallenstein's approach is entirely invalid. I agree that its proper and constructive to introspect after a tragedy. I support any efforts at self-improvement.

But what I can not abide - what I insist that we as a community refuse to tolerate - is this idea that we have the ability to reliably uncover whatever one-to-one connections between tragedy and sins that may exist.

You can use the fire to strengthen your shabbos observance if you wish - that's fine - but don't allow yourself to become convinced, as Wallenstein has become convinced,  that God murdered seven children for the sake of delivering this message to you. God's ways are inscrutable.  



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Men Seder

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Our friends at the Wall Street Journal seem to have just discovered that men like to drink alcohol in the company of other men. They are running a story today about a Congregation in Michigan that hosted a Man Seder complete with ribs and scotch. The purpose of the event was to draw men together to learn about Pesach and the Seder in a congenial atmosphere.

Capitalizing on base male instincts - yes, surprise:  we like meat, booze and hanging-out- for Jewish outreach purposes is certainly a good idea, but is it news? Is it a trend?

Moreover, and  though its only briefly eluded to in the article, I think the really interesting thing is how men tend to drop out of roles and occupations after women arrive and assert themselves. For examples, see the nursing and teaching professions, and the whole of heterodox Judaism.



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Cardinal in shul again

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I see on the Interwebs that Cardinal Timothy Dolan was invited to preach in a shul* one Friday night last February. Naturally, I find this horrifying.

*Temple Emanuel, the Reform prayer house. Let's not quibble over my use of the word shul. 

Back in 2013 an Orthodox shul made the same mistake. What I said then, applies now and I repeat it here:

The Church is an anti-Semitic organization that subjected us to two-thousands years of suffering, while cultivating the soil of Europe for the Holocaust. To date, they haven't repudiated their anti-Semitic Popes, or their bulls or their encyclicals; in fact, the Church currently is in the process of beatifying one of these Jew hating popes. During the Holocaust, which, let's be clear, the Church helped cause and did precious little to prevent, churchmen stole Jewish children and, with the blessing of every subsequent Pope, refused to return the ones who had been baptized. But their representative should be welcomed into a shul on Shabbos and invited to preach?

In short: To allow a Cardinal to address a Jewish congregation on shabbos is demeaning. It demeans the shabbos. It demeans the sanctuary. It demeans the congregation. To celebrate it is a confession of insecurity and an act of obsequiousness. Until the Church renounces its shameful past, and completes a true and painful teshuva process, there's no reason for Jews to kiss the toes of St. Peter. The Church, by the grace of God, no longer has any power over us, and nothing to offer us. Self pride demands we remember that, and also what they did to us.
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A Fairy Tale?

@azigra

The groom mentioned in the below article from February 24, 1954 is the current day Rachmastrifk Rebbe of Boro Park. The bride is the sister of the current Skver Rebbe of New Square. 

The article refers to another paper's report of people pushing to "touch" the bride's father Yaakov Yosef Twersky, founder of New Square. However, a family member told the reporter that "there was no such foolishness about touching the father of the bride or that kind of thing."

Did this family member lie about Chasidish thought and practice for the purposes of not appearing foolish to the general public? Even if there honestly is no concept of benefiting from touching a Rebbe, is it so much different than the other forms of Rebbe veneration shown, ie shirayim? I've seen chasidim push or wait on lines for a long time to shake a Rebbe's hand. I was even trampled over once by a crowd of non Chasidim pushing to run along side a car containing a Rebbe. 

Rebbes are miracle workers in the minds and tales of Chasidim. It is not hard to understand how the devolution of the Zaddik system resulted in this possible mind set. 

(Unnecessary disclosure: the groom was my 'sandek'.) 

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Ground rules for a #midrashchat

I'm going to be blunt and unkind: Most people I know, both here on the blogs and in real life, are in the grips of false and indefensible ideas about midrashim. People on the right are too eager to accept everything literally, while people on the left have the maddening habit of waving everything away as a "metaphor"* Meanwhile, neither group attempts to consider what the author of the midrash has in mind or is attempting to do. When you have a #midrashchat with either group the end result is anger, frustration and then you get accused of either (a) being a heretic or (b) demeaning the Rabbis

*Also frustrating is the serial misuse of the word metaphor. Lefties who label every midrash a "metaphor" almost always have in mind an "allegory" not a "metaphor"

So in the interest of my own piece of mind, I am establishing the following ground rules for a #midrashchat

KEY RULE #1:  A #midrashchat must be about the midrash qua the midrash itself. As a result, we will avoid people who:

• Think every word of every midrash is capital T true in a literal historical sense. These people are not interested in discovering what the midrash is actually saying. They are interested in announcing facts about the world. 
• Think its cool to present the midrash's hidden or "real" meaning when they haven't bothered to consult the original source material. As with the first group, these people are not interested in dealing with the midrash itself. They are interested in spreading a message, and they are using the midrash as its vehicle. 

KEY RULE #2: A #midrashchat is best enjoyed with people who have been nominally educated. As a result we will avoid people who: 

• Are not aware that many of our most cherished midrashim are first found in some form or another in the Pseudepigrapha
• Are not aware that midrashim often contradict other midrashim
• Are not aware that some midrashim actually do contain literal or historical truths
• Are not aware that Chazal composed midrashim and,  at times, modified the midrashim they inherited. 

KEY RULE #3: To participate in a #midrashchat you need to be able to think historically. This means:

• You must be able distinguish the facts of a midrash from the views of its author. For example, you need to be able to wrap your head around the possibility the Rabbi XYZ firmly believed that [whatever] happened even if you and I and other residents of the 21st century are positive that [whatever] could not have happened.
• You must recognize that ancient standards of proof were much lower than modern standards of proof, in part because our epistemology is different,(we've become more skeptical.) As a result, our ideas of what constitutes science and history are very different from theirs.
• You must be ok with the possibility that Chazal believed things you and I and other residents of the 21st century  find fanciful or barbaric, and you must be able to recognize that saying this is not a criticism of Chazal. 

Without a promise, I am hereby promising not to get sucked into any more #midrashchats that would violate any of these rules.

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Fire the NYT fact-checkers

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This is just a bad job by the Times.

This is NY. The paper employs plenty of Jews and a team of professional fact checkers. To get two, basic, easily verified things wrong in the same article speaks to the sort of casual arrogance I get from my non-Jewish friends and neighbors who are certain I'm lying when I, e.g, tell them that kosher food hasn't been "blessed by a rabbi" or that a Bar Mitzvah isn't a confirmation.

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Haroset Ice Cream

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Internet research tells me that Ben & Jerry has been offering Charoset flavored ice-cream since 2012 at least, but I heard about it for the first time this morning.

My initial reaction was ewwww. My second reaction was to tweet suggested Jewish-themed flavors that seemed even more vile (herring ice cream anyone?) But by my third reaction I had realized that this charoset ice cream idea might work: Cinnamon, nuts and apples - all of it ought to play well with premium ice cream.

Grossest ice cream flavors?

No, that would be p'tcha MT @DovBear: Most disgusting ice cream flavor ever?
— Jonathan Meola (@jonathan_meola) March 23, 2015

Or Fishlets ice cream? @DovBear @gedaliap pic.twitter.com/Li7gvBMNCU
— Jonathan Meola (@jonathan_meola) March 23, 2015

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2017 election results are in!

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A guest post by Y. Bloch
Let me apologize again for our earlier error. We mistakenly reported that the Pirate Party had won 79 seats; what we meant to say was that the Pittsburgh Pirates won the '79 World Series. We were looking up the results on our phone, and it isn't Hebrew-enabled... Never mind.

Anyway, here are the confirmed results. In what is being called (by us right now) "a once-in-a-millennium revolution," Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu is the stunning winner, as the right-wing parties have scored 42 seats. Remember how last time it was 44, and the time before that 43? Undoubtedly, this is the most significant event in human history since the earth cooled 2.5 billion years ago. (CORRECTION: Bibi's likely haredi coalition partners are telling us that it was 5776 years ago.) Apparently, his slogan: "Third Intifadah, Fourth Gaza War, Fifth Term" truly resonated with voters.

Labor Leader Meirav Michaeli was stunned by the results, as her party received only 20 seats. In her concession speech, she said, "What? You didn't want another journalist? But I'm the scion of an important family too! Don't you think--" At this point, she was replaced by Eitan Cabel, who promised a new direction for Labor.

Within the right, Naftali Bennett was mystified as to why his party has shrunk to 5 seats. Some have criticized his choice to rename it the Jewish No Homo Party, but Bennett remains convinced that he will take over the Likud within 18 months.

Avigdor Lieberman has scored 8 seats, with his Red-handed Army initiative, committing him to bring to Knesset only politicians who are under ethics investigation. Of course, he faced some stiff opposition from Aryeh Makhloufeasance Deri's Maranimum Security Party, which includes only convicted felons. Readers may recall that Ehud Olmert was granted early parole in order to run, in the famous Supreme Court ruling We Don't Really Give a Flying F Anymore (And Before You Ask, Zoabi and Marzel Can Run Too).

BREAKING: Eitan Cabel has been replaced by Stav Shaffir.

The biggest surprise may be that the Righters' Bloc cleared the electoral threshold. "We kept trying to forge alliances between the political right and the religious right," said a spokesman, "but then we realized we needed the economic right, right-fielders, and right-hand men (and women. Just kidding, obviously no women)."

Meretz gained a seat, but leader Zehava Gal-On was heard to say: "We used to have 12! Forgive me, Mother Shulamit!" This statement was a bit muffled, as she had her head in an oven at the time. As the Israeli medical establishment has never had to treat a case of accountability, Deputy Minister of Health Yaakov Litzman has recommended she be transported abroad for treatment. As leader of United Torah Judaism, neither Litzman nor his followers will accept the title of minister, though they will take the office, car and money. It is unclear if Bibi's tactic of making everyone else in the party chief rabbi is sufficient, as Satmar Hasidim cannot make do with only one. Bibi contacted the Shahidy Pines Retirement Home to see if Abu Mazen can offer Neturei Karta a Chief Rabbi of the Palestinian Authority position, but Abbas was too busy eating tapioca pudding to take his call.

BREAKING: Stav Shaffir has been replaced by Tzipi Livni, but no one knows if she's still in the party. Her whereabouts remain unknown at press time. Also her whyabouts.

However, the greatest comeback of this election cycle must be that of Eli Yishai. Just last month, he won a primary for the polygamist slot in the Joint List, and he has already taken over the party by offering women chocolate bars for each room they clean for Eid al-Adha. When asked how she felt about his new wives, the first Mrs. Yishai had no comment, because she is invisible. Ousted leader Ayman Oudeh noted that like haredi women, Arab citizens of Israel "were used to being screwed by Jewish men."

Undoubtedly, the true power lies in the brand-new centrist socio- economic party, filled with brilliant people who are political novices, led by former Likudnik Gideon Saar, Mistaarim. With his dozen seats, he plans to take over the Finance Ministry and "blah, blah, blah." When his predecessor Moshe Kahlon was asked why he was still smiling after failing to pass the electoral threshold, he responded,
"No, my face is stuck this way. Help." Yesh Atid held on with four seats, and leader Yair Lapid lamented, "At least Kahlon gets to go home. What the hell am I supposed to do?" Then he remembered that he is still hot and rich, and started smiling as well.

BREAKING: Tzipi Livni has been replaced by Shimon Peres, but no one tell him, because he's 93 and the shock might kill him.

But the question remains if Bibi can govern after some of the extreme statements he made in the last days of the campaign. He clarified that when he said "Blow the Dome of the Rock and rebuild the Temple," he meant: "I know to take stock and restrain my temper." As for his infamous "towelhead" comment, he explained: "That was taken totally out of context. I was talking about that scene in romantic comedies when the female lead comes out in a bathrobe and a towel wrapped elaborately on her head. I find it trite and cliched." As for his statement to President Hillary Clinton that "America can suck a dick," he elucidated, "I meant that one. But don't get me wrong, America is still Israel's greatest vassal--I mean, ally."

When asked about the prospects of this government serving a full term, all 120 members of Knesset issued a rare joint statement: "You've gotta be f-cking kidding me."

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The truth behind why Orthodox Jews really like Shabbos

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This post from January 3, 2011 was a big hit here and on Facebook, for the same reason any of my posts succeed: Lots of people think I'm dead right, while simultaneously lots of people think I'm dead wrong.

In the Secular Orthodox Jewish Shabbos I discuss the dozens and dozens of secular benefits offered to those who observe an Orthodox Jewish Shabbos and argue that, as a whole,  these benefits outweigh any of the individual inconveniences shabbos haters moan about.

So which side are you on? Am I dead wrong, or dead right? See the post here.

Click here to see the full collection of countdown posts!

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Let's not ignore the social aspects

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Click here to see the full collection of countdown posts!

For your entertainment today, I've combined two classic posts from 2007 in which I attempted to popularize a new and improved way of describing Orthoprax Jews. It failed to catch on, but I think the idea is sound. With all the focus on ritual law, and serving God, we often forget that the social aspects of Orthodox Judaism are among its top draws.

In previous generations, non-Jews went out of there way to create fraternal clubs and orders like the Freemasons, or the Moose Lodge, or the Elks, or any WASP country club,  that replicated some of the wonderful features that are built right in to Orthodox Jewish culture. Some of those features include:

• A safe zone, where you can more or less be as racist or misogynistic as you wish 
• A privileged zone where you can imagine your devotion to secret rituals and rules affords you various benefits 
• A party zone, where you can eat and drink and hang out
• A business zone, where you can network with likeminded people from similar backgrounds

See more of what I mean after the jump

What would Moses do? Vote!

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There's just something about late winter in Israel that feels like elections. Every single national contest we've held in this country in this century has been between mid-Shevat and late Adar (February-March). Maybe it's the realization that we're not getting any more snow days, so we need another reason for a day off.

[Today's countdown post is right here > ]

But another 21st-century Israeli electoral trend is much more troubling: citizens just aren't that into it. Consider the turnout for the last five elections, percentage-wise: 62.3, 67.8, 63.6, 64.7, 67.8. Compare that to the last five elections of the 20th century: 78.7, 79.3, 77.4, 79.7, 78.8. When once nearly four in five voted, now we're not even averaging two out of three.

For a bit of insight, let's turn to the man whose birthday and yahrtzeit fall smack in the middle of this season: Moses. What was Moses' deathbed wish? To cross over the Jordan and enter the Land of Israel. But why?

R. Simlai expounded: Why did Moses our teacher yearn to enter the land of Israel? Did he want to eat of its fruits or satisfy himself from its bounty? But thus said Moses, "Many mitzvot were commanded to Israel which can only be fulfilled in the land of Israel. I wish to enter the land so that they may all be fulfilled by me."

That's what we find in the Talmud (Sota 14a), but it is still pretty vague. The Midrash (Yalkut Shimoni 816) narrows it down further: "This is the appointment of the king." Moses wasn't looking forward to the first fruits or tithes or sabbatical or jubilee: he was anticipating "the appointment of the king"--not the coronation, not the reign, but the appointment.

Who are the people in your synagogue?

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Yep, still doing countdown posts. Don't be a hater. Some are really great! Click here to see them all.

Every Orthodox synagogue I visit has the same type of people. Two years ago I tried to list these archetypes, though as per usual, some of the best ideas came from the comments. Also, as per usual, one or two people thought the post was mean, when really it was (for the most part) written with affection. These are my people after all.  In today's countdown post I reprint that famous list and invite you to evaluate and update it. (and to put in on Facebook, please!)

Shul casting call

Originally posted Monday, May 13 2013

You're opening a new shul. Along with a rabbi to make speeches and a control-freak to serve as gabbai what are some of the roles that must be filled if your shul is going to feel "authentic?" My list:

• Banger A guy to bang a table to remind people to say prayers that aren't part of the daily liturgy such as ya'aleh v'yavo. This role can be filled by the gabbai, but most proper shuls have at least two or three self appointed tablebangers.
• Shevach screamer If your shul is going to recite Kel Adon responsively, you will need a least one guy to say the word "Shevach" really loudly right before the congregation recites the last stitch. 
• Shushers (1 for every 35 members): Whenever the talking gets a little robust these guys play the important role of adding to the noise and the general sense of no-decorum by hissing - sshhhhhhhhh - really loudly. At least one shusher should also be a glarer.
• Eye-rollers (1 for every 50 members) Because its near-impossible for a speaker to sparkle week after week, your Rabbi will occasionally say something ludicrous or barbaric. Once upon a time it was correct to ignore the offending statement or to nod in agreement. Not anymore. Your shul will need a guy or two who can, via their animated responses, let the rest of the congregation know when the Rabbi has stepped over the line. 
• Kiddush shlepper and Shtriemel fetcher. In general, the holier a shul is, the more its congregation disrespects musaf. Generally, this disrespect is achieved in two ways: (1) The kiddush is unpacked the moment kedusha ends; (2) The men participate in a mass exodus to the alcove to fetch hats and shtreimals, a mass exodus that starts as soon as kedusha is finished. If you wish to disrespect musaf in the proper Toirah true fashion your new shul will need a few burly fellows to interrupt chazeres hashas by carrying in the boxes of cake and soda and by folding up the chairs and tables. You'll also need a lithe, little man to slip through the hordes to bring the Rabbi his shtreimal. (Heaven forbid your rabbi should be forced sit through the chazan's repetition with a talis on his head like some kind of lowlife.)
• Rabbi hogger A truly excellent shul needs a guy who buttonholes the Rabbi at the end of every service. Ideally, you want someone innocent and sincere who naively believes that regularly subjecting the Rabbi to nonsense questions, inane anecdotes, or recycled divrei torah is appropriate and welcome. If you can't find such a simple soul, get a cynical creep who thinks his status is enhanced whenever he's seen chatting up the Rabbi. 

What else do we need?

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UPDATES
To spare you the embarrassment of having your name mentioned on this blog, I've used initials only. If you'd like a proper hat-tip let me know

• The chazen sheni who never takes the amud himself, but always gets in the chazan's ear, davening as loudly as possible, usually off key. (D.S)
• Candy man (by RJY) 
• Sleeper. Every shul needs a guy who drifts off the second a speech starts (D.S) 
• The learner: Studies instead of davening, always conspicuous (D.J)
• The three alcoholics who step out as soon as they do pesicha and start doing shots in the kitchen, pausing only to answer BRRRICHI and UMEIN to everyone's aliyah. (LF)
• The gangs of kids stampeding through the shul every so often. (LF)
• The guy who ignores the whole service until the Tefillah for the Medinah is said. Then he stands up and declares his allegiance to Israel by casting mean looks at people who haven't stood.
• The "What is this? A Young Israel!" person. Utters his motto as a quick and easy way to discredit any new idea. Example: We really shouldn't set up the kiddush during musaf.... What is this? A Young Israel!
• The little kid with the HUGE bag of food. Raised by parents who believe starvation can happen in less than an hour. Also, someone in his family survived the war, and BY GOD MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER GO HUNGRY
• Yaamod guy. Without him how will chatanim and bar mitzvah boys get aliyahs?
• Dagger eyes aka Red face. Whenever the shul deviates from its own established nusach or custom or style in any way, however minor the deviation might be, this guy lives up to his name
• Hatzola guys- in shul with their radios squawking just loud enough for others to hear and know that he's "on Hatzolah" (SM)

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Why do you pray, DovBear?

Another day, another countdown post as we slowly approach Pesach. Click here to see them all.

Today I refer you to a post from 2008 in which I argued that while prayer can't possibly change perfect, omnipotent God it does change us. When people ask me why I pray, I always point them to this post. It's succinct, complete, firmly sourced and, represents my true and actual point of view. See it here:  http://dovbear.blogspot.com/2008/12/prayer.html

Thanks for reading and sharing. (hint, hint)

Cholent, Kugel, the Tish and some pre-Shabbos fun

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Tonight, we have a series of  Countdown Posts for you, all having to do with shabbos.  See all previous Contdown Posts here

The first one dates to the primordial days of the blog and describes my first Tish experience. Naturally, I saw it in terms of other religions.

Next come some reflections on kugel and cholent. The kugel post is not about the biblical scholar, but about the clot of noodles and/or potatoes we Jews adore. Its noteworthy only because it received a furios comment, now lost, from Alan Nadler. The cholent post discusses how a ban on everyone's favorite stew is actually a confession of impotence on the part of those issuing the ban.  Cholent lovers might also enjoy this excerpt from Henrich's Hein's The Sabbath Princess in which he glories of cholent are recounted in poetic paragraph after poetic paragraph 

Finally we give you one of the blog's sadly infamous posts: A style guide for the pre-shabbos happy hour  To cleanse your palate check out this powerful rendition of Kedusha performed by a fellow who would likely be denied entry to your local Orthodox shul. It's awesome all the same.

See all the good stuff after the jump


BABY'S FIRST TISH

Originally Posted December 22, 2004

A few days ago, I went to my very first Tish. Here's my review:

Music: C 
It was certainly loud, and energetic, but my tastes in Jewish music run here; not here.

Aesthetics: F 
The room was done in a style I could only call "no taste." There were peeling ceilings and worn-our rugs. The lighting was bad, and it was cold. Woman, obviously, aren't ever permitted in that clubhouse.

Drasha: A 
Fast, and incomprehensible. My translator said it was ok, though.

Food: N/A 
I don't eat food that's hand-delivered. Especially when the waiter picks his nose.

Overall: B 
The whole experience was very catholic. When the presiding Rabbi entered, we rose and sung, much in the way a cardinal is welcomed into the cathedral for mass. We sang hymns, and ate an offering of kugel. Though we weren't asked to fall to our knees, and accept the instrument of Godly salvation on our tongues, the food was passed by hand, and the hasidim fought for a morsel as if they thought it offered the blessings of God himself

Perhaps if I'd permitted myself a taste, the whole carnival might have made some sense.

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Kvelling about kugel

Originally posted: September 28, 2005

B R E A K I N G

Today the Dining and Wine section of the heiliga New York Times turns its august attention to kugel:

I didn't know until recently, though, that this homey casserole of noodles or potatoes was credited with mystical powers. Allan Nadler, a professor of religious studies at Drew University, studied references to kugel in Hasidic texts and ate it in Brooklyn and in Jerusalem at about a dozen rebbes' tishes, or tables, where male followers of a Hasidic rabbi gather to eat, sing and study the Torah. According to Hasidic interpretations of Kabbalah mysticism, he said, kugel has special powers. "Clearly the spiritual high point of the meal is the offering of the kugel," Professor Nadler said. At that moment the rabbi has the power to bestow health and food, and even to help couples conceive.

And I didn't know until recently that Alan Nadler was a raging lunatic. Mystical powers, including the power to impregnate are wrapped up in one little nasty clot of eggs and noodles? Is he serious? Worse, do entire cults of Jews believe this to be true?

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The end of Thursday night cholent

Originally Posted July 5, 2011

Mouse over please

Some of the great holiday weekend news from Israel includes the following.

Thursday night cholent is now banned.

This is a big deal for yeshiva boys, many of whom consider the Thursday night chow down to be the highlight of their week.  

I'm not sorry to see this ritual abolished. The yeshiva boy's glorification of food, terrible food especially, never seemed to me to be especially frum. Also the mad desire for a particular food, at a particular time, seems to speak of some kind of emptiness in the yeshiva boy's soul. Who but an unhappy person sees something holy and fulfilling about a plate of over seasoned beans? A well rounded person doesn't consistently plan his week around a trip to a greasy spoon for a plate of guaranteed indigestion.

Though I won't miss Thursday night cholent, I am sorry to see this latest confession of impotence on the part of the rabbis. Had they any power or charisma at all, wouldn't they simply order or convince yeshiva boys to channel their cholent energy into something more edifying? The fact that they are instead using the threat of canceling kosher certifications to coerce honest, hard working, shopkeepers into closing early suggests a certain weakness and uncertainty on the part of the rabbis. Why blackmail shopkeepers? Can't yeshiva students be instructed? Won't they listen if told by their teachers that Thursday night cholent is gross and unbecoming? All pious talk about how the yeshiva world honors and obeys rabbis, and hangs on every precious rabbinical word, desiring only to learn and improve under loving rabbinical direction, seems badly undermined if the single most obedient cohort --yeshiva boys -- can't be bothered to follow rabbinical directives.

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Guys got to eat: Pre- Shabbos Happy Hour

Originally Posted: May 7, 2014

Is DovBear transitioning into lifestyle blog? Not likely. I'm just sharing my thoughts and experiences as per usual

Now that we're in early-shabbos season, many of the men in the audience are escaping to their decks and patios for a pre-shabbos happy hour. In most neighborhoods, you start around 6 p.m. and wrap things up as close to mincha as possible. Usually, no more than five guys attend, and twosomes and threesomes are not uncommon, with most staying for 25 minutes or less. These are quick things.

** Pre-shabbos Happy Hour might not work for everyone. It can be hard to pull off if you have small kids, a disorganized, last-minute personality (or a  wife like that) or an inflexible work schedule. However, I don't think its fair to assume that it only happens if the wife gets screwed. There are other models.

As a veteran of dozens of these small, informal gatherings I can tell you there are generally three ways to pull it off.

A BAD JOB

The Drink: Want to strike out? Put out a low end beer, like Bud or Coors. There is literally never a good excuse to serve these horrible beverages. And you lose points for using a Red Solo Cup.

The Snack: Chips and salsa. You think you're playing it safe. Really, you're being cheap and boring.

PERFECTLY  FINE

The Drink: You owe it to your guests to pour something decent, plus you don't want to look chintzy. At around $50, Oban fits the bill. Its sweet with a pleasant hint of smoke without being peaty. Larceny is a good up-to-the minute option for your bourbon lovers, and Blue Moon is your can't miss beer.

The Snack: Toss your favorite variety of Jack's Sausages on the grill, and serve them in thirds with a good mustard. No one wants to overeat or get full right before shabbos, so cut them up.  Put out some olives and pickles to go with the chips.

NOW YOU'RE TRYING

The Drink: You'll still need a whiskey/bourbon option for the unadventurous, but you can show you're trying by offering to start things off with a cocktail.

Don't bother with something complicated, and stay away from anything that requires weird ingredients or fruity garnishes.The Lime Rickey (air conditioning in a glass) is nothing but ice, lime, bourbon and seltzer. Thanks to Mad Men, the Old Fashioned is enjoying a reawakening. You can make one in your sleep: Just splash some bitters* on a sugar cube. Soften it up with some water or seltzer and add a slug or two of Rittenhouse Rye.

The Lime Rickey goes in a Collins glass like this nice looking number from Stolzle, Set of six - $37.99 (three left!).

Use a low ball glass for the Old Fashioned. This Borgovo Gotico- $56 costs way too much ($56!)  but feels great in your hand.

* Angostura Aromatic Cocktail Bitters are certified kosher, and can be used to mix up a great OF. $12 bucks from Amazon (and about $8 in your local grocery)

Draper makes an Old Fashioned, but because he's gay he added a cherry and an orange. Don't make this mistake. All you need is a sugar cube, bitters, ice, a splash of water and Rittenhouse Rye

The Snack: While the sausages are on the grill, serve up some dips like matbucha or chumas. Bonus points if you, or better yet your wife, can make them from scratch. [Recipes here] If you are going to use a store-bough chumas, freshen it up with some oil and lemon juice before serving. If you have skills, make some wings, too. Be aware that at a minimum you'll need to section your wings, and render out the fat before applying your sauce.

Make it heimsih: Add kugel of course.

What should you wear? Don't be the dork who shows up in the suit and tie he wore to work. Take a minute to put on a polo (like this black one from Nautica) and a pair of chinos. (I like Bonobos but this flat front pair from Dockers is just fine.)

If you have some better ideas, please share them in the thread.

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What if it turns out God's a monster?

Hello and welcome to another amazing countdown post. Click here to see them all.

Today's post dates all the way back to 2006, a glorious time in the life of this blog. I don't remember writing this post, let alone what I was thinking as it was composed. But I do remember what it was like to blog before Facebook. You could sneeze and get a hundred comments (though after Facebook page-views did skyrocket) This post isn't a sneeze. Its a well thought out wail of concern.

Enjoy.

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My nightmare

Originally posted August 30, 2006

What do we do if it turns out God's a monster? I mean what if after 120 we discover the extreme Haredi/RW Zionist conception of God is true, that He's basically this overlarge sky demon who likes watching us do bizarre things.

It's not impossible.

I can conceive of a 7 year old tormenting smaller, stupider, weaker creatures with absurd demands. Why not extend the analogy? Why couldn't God be a brute, but a benevolent brute who took us out of Egypt and as payment wishes for us to keep our meat and milk separate (which I do, religiously) and slaughter Arabs (which I don't do, religiously or otherwise) and all the rest?

Maybe the extreme Hasidim are correct about God wanting men to avoid woman and secular wisdom they way other men might avoid the plague. Maybe God wants us to devote ourselves to a life of wearing fur hats and white socks. Maybe the sight of all those little people dressed in black, singing songs and eating kugel, makes the creator happy, in the way it pleases my son to see the residents of his ant farm scurry about. Is it impossible? Why?

Maybe the extreme non-Hasidic Haredim are right to be hostile toward science. Perhaps it's all a test, and the non-benevolent Trickster God did bury all those dinosaur bones, and fiddle with the carbon levels just so he could see for sure if we loved Him or not.

Maybe the extreme religious Zionists are right about Arabs. Perhaps we are supposed to be stacking their bodies like cordwood, and razing their villages and orchards so that the next generation of Kachniks have a place for trailers and target shooting.

If any of them are right, it means the Rambam was wrong, and that his rationalist conception of God and the Law was about as accurate as his views on medicine. It would mean that those Rishonim-accepting Jews who believe that the Torah was given to us only for our own benefit, have half the picture.

But it would also mean that a lot of what chazal said about God, is true. The idea of a monster God even fits a lot of what God said about himself in the Torah. Oh dear.

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First Messiah

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 A guest post by Y. Bloch

It's Messiah season in the Holy Land once again, with Passover, Easter and elections quickly approaching (not in that order). Now, we may not agree on who that ultimate messiah should be, but we can all agree that messianic fervor must be treated with massive amounts of chocolate.

Caption might as well read: Give yourself a little square for perpetuating gender myths and a big square for canonizing them in law!

But let's spare a thought for the first messiah, a man often unjustly discounted, dismissed and disrespected... (but enough about Buji!) Aaron the Priest.
Yes, Aaron is the first man to be anointed, which is what messiah (mashiach) actually means, as we read in this week's Torah portion (Exod. 40:13):

Then dress Aaron in the sacred garments, anoint (u-mashachta) him and consecrate him so he may serve me as priest.

In fact, this image of Moses anointing Aaron is so powerful that David writes a whole psalm about it (133):

A Song of Ascents, of David.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
It is like the precious oil upon the head,
Coming down upon the beard,
Even Aaron’s beard,
Coming down upon the edge of his robes.
It is like the dew of Hermon
Coming down upon the mountains of Zion;
For there the LORD commanded the blessing—life forever.

However, as the Talmud tells it, there was great apprehension for each of the brothers during the ceremony:

Our Rabbis taught: It is like the precious oil … coming down upon the beard, even Aaron's beard, etc., two drops like pearls hung from Aaron's beard...  And concerning this matter, Moses was anxious. He said, 'Have I, God forbid, made an improper use of the anointing oil?' A heavenly voice came forth and called out, Like the precious oil … like the dew of Hermon; as misappropriation is inapplicable to the dew of Hermon, so also is it inapplicable to the anointing oil on the beard of Aaron. Aaron however, was still anxious. He said, 'It is possible that Moses did not trespass, but I may have trespassed'. A heavenly voice came forth and said to him, Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity;  as Moses is not guilty of trespass, so are you not guilty of trespass.

I said anointing oil, not Gatorade.

What were they so concerned about? Why was every drop of oil so precious? Let's take a closer look at this anointing oil (shemen ha-mishcha). WARNING: SIMPLE ARITHMETIC AHEAD!

Take also for yourself the finest of spices: of flowing myrrh five hundred shekels, and of fragrant cinnamon half as much, two hundred and fifty, and of fragrant cane two hundred and fifty, and of cassia five hundred, according to the shekel of the sanctuary, and of olive oil a hin. You shall make of these a holy anointing oil... (Exod. 30:23-25)

That's better. More super bowl, less Superbowl.

Now, the listed ingredients add up (500+250+250+500) to 1500 shekels--or 3000 half-shekels. I mention the half-shekel because this is the amount to be given by every Israelite, rich or poor, towards the construction of the Tabernacle. This is "ransom," "atonement money" and "plague" inoculation for every living man, according to the previous chapter. But there are some who do not have that opportunity, namely those who fell on the day the Golden Calf was made, "and about three thousand men of the people fell that day," because "the LORD plagued the people, because of what they did with the calf which Aaron had made" (32:28, 35).
Yes, Aaron goes on to offer a non-golden calf to atone for himself personally (Lev. 9:8) , but what about the 3000 who didn't walk away? These are the 3000 half-shekels which go into the anointing oil. Thus, every drop is precious, and the brothers are anxious.
A final point to consider is the source of the raw materials for the anointing oil--the nesi'im, the tribal princes (Exod. 35:27-28), mysterious and obscure figures in this book of the Bible. What is clear is that they view the donation of these materials as a national duty, as much as the precious stones on which the names of the tribes are inscribed. It is about accountability, the idea that the people's representatives assembled must represent all the people, not one sector, community or tribe. It's a message we sorely need in Israel, and hopefully our princes will remember it long after the Election Day chocolate has melted away.

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The right way to think about ritual law.

Welcome to the fourth in our series of countdown posts.

Today's edition begins with another attack on Cross Currents, the blog's favorite punching bag, but ends with one of the great observations of my blogging career. In the second post (yes, true believers, you got two today) I develop the idea.  Several years later, a real thinker, one who credibly uses his actual name, published a lengthy monograph which built on this observation. According to a mutual friend, this thinker-person was mad and disturbed to discover that I had beaten him to it. Ah, well. Life.

As always, we politely and humbly request that you tell your friends about the countdown and suggest some GOAT posts to be included. Click here to see them all. 

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Is minhag like a dialect?
Originally posted December 19, 2007

Ugh

I've been re-reading RYA's article from earlier this week, and I find myself doubting my original condemnation. Oh, to be sure, I still think his conclusion sucks, but earlier I thought his underlying logic was equally bad. Now, I am not so sure.

INTERPOLATION 

You don't really need this information in order to enjoy the end of the post, but if you are curious...

Here's my original criticism of the RYA article, and here are some of the other things people like GH said about it 

END OF INTERPOLATION

The question comes to this: Is RYA acting as a prescriptivist or is he a descriptivist? The difference: A prescriptivist, (to explain the post title's simile) is like your HS English teacher, the old bat who beats you over the head for splitting infinitives or for ending a sentence with a preposition. A descriptivist, on the other hand, understands that many of the rules of English usage are the result of culture and superstition in that a great many of these "rules" have very little basis.

Most significantly, a descriptivist recognizes that language rules slowly change over time for a variety of reasons, some good, most bad. The prescriptivist, or the very worst sort of prescriptivist anyway, prefers to imagine that the rules are etched in stone, written in the sky, and impossible to alter.

So what is RYA on hashkafa?

At first, I took RYA to be prescriptivist appealing to precedent and tradition. But as aptly shown by Doctor Marc Shapiro et al appealing to precedent or tradition won't work, because what's considered correct changes over time. For example:

• In Rashi's day women, or some women anyway, wore tfillin. 
• Less than 200 hundred years ago, many Jewish women weren't permitted to go to school. 
• There are passages in the Talmud which suggest women could receive aliyot, and that milk and fowl were eaten together. 
• There are old siddurim which provide "she lo asani ish" as the correct liturgy for women. 
• It was also once okay to illustrate your religious books with pictures that depicted God in human form. 
• You could speculate on the mutability of the MT without being called a heretic. 
• And much, much more.

When RYA says certain Jewish ideas and practices are outside the pale, he might be right, but only if he is speaking as a descriptivist.

If he is speaking as a prescriptivist he is defeated by the tradition itself.

Which brings me to my central point, and the meaning behind the simile I used in the title of the post

While recognizing that many language rules are arbitrary and silly, most descriptivists still admit that arbitrary and silly language rules serve a purpose. Namely, they help us determine who is part of our group and who is not.

Consider, for instance, the case of dialects. Most of us speak more than one. I, myself, speak Jewish-English and Standard Written English. These are not the same, and there are situations when one is appropriate and suitable and the other is not. These dialects -and there are hundreds if not thousands of other English dialects and sub dialects - are useful because they help us to determine who is part of our group and who is not.

If he is speaking as a descriptivist RYA's argument has some sense to it, because what he is actually saying is that normative OJ developed contingently, and because 21st century OJs, like any other group, wish to live/work/play and otherwise interact with each other, it helps if we all sort of think and act the same way. Because otherwise, we're not one group. Otherwise, our OJ identity is diluted, just as surely as the identity of a group of African American friends is diluted if they include a guy who wears a kilt.

This argument has some logic to it - perhaps it reduces Orthodox Judaism to a club with a dress code - but the logic is present.

The conclusion, however, still stinks, because what is also present is RYA's unmistakable disgust for Jewish actions and ideas that he, personally, does not hold.

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Here comes today's second countdown post. It uses another issue as its launching point, but swerves back to about how minhag is a dialect.

Defending Yeedle's Composition

Originally posted June 30, 2012

I'm going to take exception here to some of the complaints issued against Yeedle Yid's essay. "Poorly written" said one commenter. Look elsewhere for Chasidim who are "fine writers" said another. An "off day" sneered a third.

What these complainers don't seem to understand is that Yeedle was not writing in Standard English, but in Yinglish, a dialect of English with its own rules and its own conventions. I'm not expert in Yinglish. I can't speak authoritatively about its conventions, or explain exactly how it differs from Yeshivish, but I can recognize it, and I can support a Yinglish speaker's right to make his arguments in his native tongue.

The error Yeedle's detractors made is common. We all have done it or something like it. The basis of the error is the fallacy of authenticity. We often reject things - Yeedle's dialect, a minhag, a nusach, a bit of Torah - because something about it strikes as artificial, or less real.

This is a mistake. There's nothing innately superior about Standard English. It just happens to be the dialect of English used by the American elite, and for this reason alone its perceived as the dialect of education, intelligence and prestige. It didn'tfall out of the sky, but developed naturally over time. And the same is true of our Jewish customs and practices. Shabbos, as I've often said, didn't always mean three meals, three prayer services, fine clothes, fine food, and a long nap. Once Shabbos looked and felt different, and because Shabbos is a living entity, it will continue to evolve and eventually it will look and feel like something else. The way we OJs celebrate Shabbos today just happens to be the way we celebrate Shabbos. There's nothing special about it, or rather what is special about it is entirely subjective, i.e. unique to us, and to our perceptions.

However, that fact that religious conventions, like grammatical conventions, are arbitrary does not mean that they are also unimportant or inconsequential. For instance, I concur with those who said that Yeedle's arguments would be more effective if he made them in SE. His use of Yinglish rather than SE has consequences. In America, those who use other English dialects to communicate are judged unintelligent; likewise, those who celebrate shabbos, even a halachic shabbos, in a non-Orthodox style are not going to be fully accepted in most Orthodox communities. Spend shabbos sitting in jeans with a tuna sandwich at the neighborhood park and most Orthodox will decide you're somehow less Jewish. These are just blunt facts.

If Yeedle wants the world at large to listen to what he has to say he's going to have to learn to say it in SE, and if the jeans-wearing shabbos observer wants to be accepted by the Orthodox he's going to have to adopt Orthodox shabbos conventions. No matter how arbitrary grammatical and religious conventions might be, you simply have to follow them if you want the members of that discourse, or religious community to take you seriously. People judge you on how you dress, how you write, how you speak, and in the OJ world they also judge you (or perhaps "grade" is a better word) on how you perform rituals and carry out Commandments. That's Just How it Is.

Meanwhile, Yeedle's unfamiliarity with SE shouldn't be misunderstood. Yeedle's essay wasn't poorly written, and he's not a bad writer. He's simply not fluent in SE.

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Moron war: MOM vs BHM

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I'm counting down to Pesach with 25 days of fantastic DovBear posts. Each day. we'll run at least one classic post from the last ten years, so if you've never really understood  how this blog became so popular this is your chance to find out.  Click to see all the countdown posts so far

Back in 2007, I frequently referred to Black Hat Morons and Modern Orthodox Morons. This was not a commentary on the actual sects, but on their worst, most distasteful, representatives.

Today's countdown post dates to that era, and contains what I think was a most excellent attempt to define both terms.

Please do us a favor and share the countdown on Twitter, Facebook, etc. Thanks.

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Morons here, morons there...

Original Publication date: November 7, 2007

Yesterday, I introduced a new acronym, BHM (black-hat-moron) to the DovBear lexicon (joining GOPJew and KefiyaTalis as phrases invented here.)

But what exactly is a BHM? See below (and for the sake of comparison and fairness, I've also defined MOM (modern-orthodox-moron))

	BHM	MOM
Michaper Kol Avonot (forgives all sins)	His hat	His Zionism
At kiddush, will knock you over to get:	Kugel (burnt and greasy, please)	Sushi
Cause of all suffering in the universe:	Short hemlines / The New York Times	Muslim Arabs / The New York Times
Nightmare of nightmares	An unmarried 19-year old daughter	A meshulach at the door
Dream of dreams	A 5000 sq foot house, with a Lexus sedan in the drive and jealous neighbors next door	A 5000 sq foot house, with a Lexus SUV in the drive and jealous neighbors next door
Sin that's not really a sin	Tax fraud, bigotry, cheating at business.	Mixed swimming, fish at non-kosher resteraunts.
Favorite mitzvah	Sitting in a bes medrash, drinking coffee, and "learning"	Voting Republican
How he makes his decisions:	Decisions? Huh? I just ask my Rav.	Is is good for Israel?
How he learns chumash:	Rashi is always right! (Unless the Little Midrash Says disagrees, in which case teku.)	Scours texts to develop apocalyptic scenarios involving crystals and space aliens, all having zero basis in legitimate commentary
How he learns gemarah:	Chazal are always right! (Only modernishke herr doktor scholars look at Rishonim)	Gema-what?
Favorite holiday:	Lag B'omer	Yom Ha'atzmaut
Ditches his wife, family and all household responsibilities to:	Sit in a bes medrash, drink coffee, and "learn."	Play poker and/or attend sporting events
Has a child named after:	Fauna (ie: Dov, Tzvi, Ze'ev)	Flora (ie: Ilan, Tomar, Daphne)
Favorite blog:	Yeshiva World	DovBear

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Evidence, like rodeo, is for the gentiles:

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I'm counting down to Pesach with 25 days of fantastic DovBear posts. Each day. we'll run at least one classic post from the last ten years, so if you've never been quite sure how this blog became so popular this is your chance to find out.  Click to see all the countdown posts so far

Today's countdown post is from less than a year ago. It attempt to express my frustration in dealing with people who have what might be termed a "Haredi mindset." In brief, this means they've already made up their minds about the nature of things and instead of reconsidering their conclusions in response to new facts, they think its a mark of piety, faith and Jewish-honesty to rethink their original claims instead. This is a classic example of ad hoc thinking.

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The Torah-True Response to Evidence

Original Publication Date: Monday, June 30, 2014

What follows will illustrate the difference between regular people and Torah-true people.

Claim: the moon is made from green cheese.
Counter - evidence: astronauts return from the moon with rocks
Regular person: Well what do you know. I guess the moon is made from rocks.

Claim: the moon is made from green cheese.
Counter - evidence: astronauts return from the moon with rocks
Torah true person #1: obviously the astronaut is lying. All he wants to do is destroy our emunah to justify his own love for pork and loose women
TT #2: When we said the moon was made from cheese we meant the other moons not this one
TT #3: The moon used to be made from cheese but the teva changed and now it isn't
TT #4: the moon is both cheese and rock in a spiritual way that none of us are holy enough to understand
TT #5: when we said the moon was made from cheese we were speaking allegorically
TT#6: Tomorrow the scientists will just change their minds again and tell us the moon is made from cheese

SUGGESTIONS FROM OTHER PEOPLE

TT#8 To understand why the rocks are not a problem, you will first need to understand neo platonian metaphysics, aristotelian meta linguistics, maharal, moreh nevuchim, ralbag, rashbag, ben bag bag, Kant, Heidigger, Schilling, and Plantinga. But of course you're just an intellectually lightweight blogger, influenced by the current zeitgeist, with no deep understanding of anything, only interested in scoring cheap shots and preaching to your echo chamber, so I'm not going to waste my time explaining it to you.

TT#9: The rocks were put there on purpose at time of creation to fool the scientists/to test who's emuna is real.

TT#9 People died going to the gas chambers singing ani maamin that the moon is made of green cheese, how could you question that?

TT#10 My father told me its made of green cheese, and his father told him, all the way back to the original green cheese revelation. Are you calling my father a liar?

TT#11: GCM (Green Cheese Moon) has sustained our people for 3000 years (insert Mark Twain quote here). Those who questioned GCM are now consigned to the dustbin of history. They have no past, no future and no present. In fact, if it wasnt for me constantly reminding you of how bad the GCM deniers are, you wouldn't even know about them.

TT#12: Maicheesidies has paskened that GCM is a required belief. There's nothing to debate.

TT#13: If Chazal said GCM is true, then thats more real than anything else, even astronauts with rocks. Chazal create reality, its emes veyatziv.

TT#14: True, its a kashyeh. But no one ever died from a kashyeh. When Eliyahu Hanavi comes he will provide the tirutz

TT#15: Its pure gaavoh to think you can answer such questions, or even ask such questions. We know Chazal were 100% right.

Don't forget those who simply compartmentalize: "I believe religiously that the moon is made of cheese, but that has no bearing on my secular understanding that it is made of rock"

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A Bear's Kol Nidre

Back in 2007 I wrote up a quick description of the Kol Nidre experience in my shul. It was huge hit. The next year I added description of other shuls I attended, and other people from other types of shuls begin sharing their experiences as well. Over the years I compiled them as part of what I called the DovBear Kol Nidre project.

Today's post, the first in countdown of classic posts that will culminate on Pesach, is the Kol Nidre project post from 2010

Please do us a favor and share on Twitter, Facebook, etc. Thanks.

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Sectarian Differences on Kol Nidre night

Original Publication Date: Thursday, September 1,  2010

The Big Shul Where I Grew Up and the Yeshivish Minyan I Attend Now

• Attendance: 90 percent of the shul is in their seats by the time the pregame starts. 20-50 percent are wearing white kippot (in the childhood shul the number was higher.) Most of the women are wearing something white, too.
• Pre-game: Every Torah is taken out of the Aron, and the pillars of the community are honored with the privilege of carrying them. (This is one honor that isn't auctioned to the highest bidder.) The rabbi leads the procession to the shulchan, reciting Ohr Zeruah l'tzadik every few steps. We answer him. When the men reach the shulchan they crowd around the chazan who has been waiting there, pushing in as tightly as possible. All of this began within 30 seconds of the announced start time.
• The show: Takes about 10 minutes. The chazan always uses the same tune, the traditional tune that can be heard on any number of cantorial tapes. His voices gets louder each of the three times he recites it. We hum along, and answer thunderously when the time comes to scream: solachti kidvorecha. After the chazan intones the shehechayanu the Torahs are silently returned to their place.
• Post game: The children exit, and the Rabbi delivers words of encouragement or rebuke, and in some years, an appeal is also conducted for some worthy charity. (not the bedek habayis fund). Marriv begins afterwards, led by the chazan, who also selects the tunes for the slichos which are sung responsively.

The Hasidic Sfard Shteeble I Used to Attend

• Attendance: About 15 percent of the shul is present at the announced start time which is for Tfillas Zaka, not Kol Nidrei. Aside from their kittels, very few of the men are wearing white, and many have substituted a standard black gartel for the kittel's white belt. A number of the women wear white and many have identical white kerchiefs over their wigs; some wear what look like white aprons.
• Pre-game: The congregation gradually enters, and slowly the men take their seats and hunch over Tfillas Zakka, a long semi-silent prayer said in an audible whisper. In a few minutes the drone of conversation is replaced with the hum of prayer. At some point (usually within 5 minutes of the announced start time for Kol Nidrei) a gabbai slaps his hand on a table and the rebbe groans or whines or wails out a kabbalistic prayer called Kum Rebbe [name I forget. Eliezer?]. Those who know it whisper the words together with the rebbe.
• The show: The Torahs are taken from the aron, and the men carrying them, also community pillars, gather around the shulchan. After they arrive, the rebbe goes to the amud (about 15 feet from the Torahs) and bleats out Kol Nidrei using a tune that is strange yet powerful in its own right, but only vagualy similar to the traditional tune. The crowd bellows the response lines, and at the end the rebbe's shehechyanu is extended into a wail that soulds like the shofar.
• Post-game: When the Torahs are back in their place, Maariv begins immediately, led by the rebbe.

The Reconstructionist Shul... (Tziporah)

• Attendance: Yes, most everyone is seated by the time we start; the people still walking around chatting are either service big-wigs, showing off that they're part of running this thing, or people who come only once/year and have a lot of people to say "hi" to that they haven't seen in a while. Moms are trying to round up the kids and get them settled into the childcare before it gets quiet, stopped repeatedly by the old people who want to talk about "how big" everyone is getting.
• Pre-game: I think one of the rabbis or somebody usally says something or does a reading or whatever to make everyone shut up. Then both Torahs are taken out, and the rabbis carry them around the shul in different directions, singing "Ohr Zeruah" along with the congregation, trailed by Board members, etc. It takes FOR-fricking-EVER. Everyone wants to touch the Torahs and the rows are too long for everyone to reach it, so some scuffling ensues. (Very genteel scuffling, of course).
• The show: For the last several years, the first rendition of Kol Nidrei has been done with a cello and some other instrument. Several of us are horrified by this; some refuse to attend b/c of it; others find it nice and "contemplative." Phhbt. With a Bad Cohen on the ritual committee, they're lucky it's not worse. Anyway, then it's usually the rabbi and one of our lay leaders with a great voice, and the third time is a chorus that always includes the old ladies with the horribly wobbly voices that make you wince. Thank G-d it's over.
• Post-game: Torahs get put away, then there's a neverending procession of readings, speeches, prayers, whatever, all the way through to the Amidah/kaddish, and finally the feature event of the evening: the rabbi's sermon. This is what most of us are looking forward to, since it's the junior rabbi who actually has a formal education and can link HH Days themes to something relevant and make it interesing.
• After the sermon, there's a vast rustle and buzz as people try to exit before the President/Vice President get up and beg for money and more volunteers. It's not pretty.

The Yeckish Shul... (Mar Gavriel)

• "Talles" is scheduled for some time around sunset, or slightly afterward. People start to shuffle in at least 10-15 minutes earlier, but there are always people running in at the last moment. All married men (after Shono Rishôno) wear kittels (as they do on RH, as well). We use the terms "kittel" and "sargenes" interchangeably. Virtually all the women wear white.
  
  "Talles" is when the one rabbi, the other rabbi, and finally the chazzen for KN/ma'ariv sing the berocho over the talles, with great pomp and circumstance, before donning it. After the chazzen is done, each man (married or not) dons his talles. All who are wearing kittels wear all-white talleisim, whereas bachelors and men in Shono Rishôno wear their ordinary black-striped talleisim
  
  At this point, the chazzen puts his talles over his head and entire body, and hunches over the shtender, to silently whisper a personal prayer -- I assume הנני העני ממעש, or one of the other ones printed in the book. When he is done, he removes the talles from his head, and the rabbi, who is standing next to him, proclaims: "בישיבה של מעלה ובישיבה של מטה, על דעת המקום ועל דעת הקהל, אנו מתירין להתפלל עם העבריינים."
  
  Then, the chazzen, in a quiet voice, begins "Kol Nidrei", in the old tune. The congregation hums along for some parts. This is then repeated in a louder voice, and finally in an even louder voice.
  
  When this is done, we say the line
  ונסלח לעל עדת בני ישראל ולגר הגר בתוכם כי לכל העם בשגגה
  a single time, and then Shehecheyonu. The congregation responds a rousing "Omein!" to the chazzen's Shehecheyonu, and then the chazzen sits down.
  
  The rabbi then gives his YK sermon, the only time that he speaks over the whole 25 hours. Usually, this lasts until nightfall, at which point we begin Borachu. In years when there has been persecution of Jews somewhere in the world, or violence in Israel, the sermon has been curtailed, in order to have time to recite some Psalms before Borachu.
  
  The whole procedure is beautiful in its simplicity.
  
  No Torah-scrolls, no Tefillo Zakko, no Kom Rebbi Shim'ôn, no appeal for money.

UK Orthodox Experience.(SM)

• Everyone to be sat in seat before Yomtov. 50% are. The rest arrive - in their cars - after.
• Tefillas Zaka, what's that? Oh you mean the thing that meshugana SM says when he won't respond to everyone's greetings. Kum Rebbe Shimon - ?
• Kittel - I wear one. So does the Rabbi, the Chazzan and perhaps 5 other people.
• Bigwigs take Sefer Torah out of ark and parade them to Bimah. Chazan makes meal of Kol Nidre - must still be hungry. It is the standard tune but by the time he's done it and the choir has helped it doesn't feel like it.
• Appeal for UJIA (Israel). Sermon.
• Ma'ariv. The songs are well known so people stop talking when they are being sung - more or less. Otherwise there is a steady hum throughout. This is better than on RH when you cannot hear the Chazzan or yourself.
• 3 hours later - home.
  Which is why, although I have no affinity for their beliefs, I go to Chabad for Neilah, daven for the Old Age home shacharit and mincha and teach the rest of the time, fitting in my davenning wherever I am and in the quietest place I can find.

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